Tuesday, September 2, 2008

What Would He Look Like?

So every week I am tasked with homework. I'm 31 and still have weekly homework. I have small group/bible study homework, prayer homework and therapy homework. I talk openly about seeking out counseling and I've come to realize that it makes me a stronger, better person to have a "professional advisor" Sherri. She has become this safe sounding board for me and weekly she challenges me to grow.. So here I grow again.

This past week during the context of our session I was asked what my ideal mate would look like. Sherri said "Ashley if the perfect guy showed up- I'd want you to know what you were looking for..." So I've contemplated this for a week and jotted down a note here or there when I had a second to think about it. It's scary to actually think about this, but I'm getting good at facing fears so here goes (in no particular order):

1. He will be a Godly man
2. He will be kind and generous
3. Must love dogs and kids
4. Will feel a need to participate in community...I want someone who will share my desire to give back through charities, church or volunteer work. I think you have to pay it forward.
5. He'll dream big and work hard
6. He'll accept Cole as a part of his life and love him
7. Non Couch Potato
8. Love to travel
9. He will get my sometimes crazy sense of humor
10. He will respect my need for alone time
11. He won't let me run over him...sometimes I need to be told I'm wrong
12. He will be my partner who won't run away or shut down when things get rough
13. He will develop hobbies with me
14. He'll know how to deal with my sometimes difficult personality
15. He'll understand that I'm always striving to be better or do better and feel the same
16. He will be a good male role model for Cole
17. It would be nice if sometimes he knew what I needed before I did.
18. He'll pray with me
19. Affectionate
20. Not a slob ppllleeeaaassee
21. He will blend in with my family and friends
22. He’ll go to church with me
23. Love music
24. He will fight comments that can't be taken back or are just hurtful for the sake of being hurtful
25. If I've done something wrong- he'll tell me and give me the opportunity to plead my case, apologize or say I was wrong. No silent treatments please.
26. He'll think I'm fabulous even when I've lost it, burned dinner, had a bad hair day or am a wreck
27. He'll let me cry and realize that sometimes I just need to cry
28. He will know that I'm really not that tough
29. He will be my best friend. The first person I want to talk to everyday and the last person I want to talk to at night. The person I want to talk to about something good or bad... He'll work with me constantly on renewing our relationship.
30. He will read to me... and read actual books in general
31. Didn't think I would ever actually admit this- but I want a man to take charge sometimes. I'm tired of being in charge...
32. Great sense of humor and a great laugh
33. He will appreciate me. I try really hard in a relationship
34. He will forgive me for being hard on myself and the people I love
35. He won't be critical of me
36. It will be a true partnership…not just a relationship. There’s a difference
37. He'll love to live life

So I guess that's a pretty tall order after a week of thinking about it? I could probably come up with 30+ more qualifications, but I think those are the big ones. I guess now the list goes down in history and as I muddle through life I'll know when I meet someone that has what I'm looking for.

There's a movie entitled Meet Joe Black that I really like. Most people thought it was lame.. and at times it was. But there's a line in it that I love.. that I think sort of sums up good relationships for me anyway. Joe is speaking to "Quince" the less than agressive son in law of Mr Bill Parish and Joe asks him about whether or not his wife loves him? Quince is confident of his wife's love and responds (choked up of course) with "Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay..."

No questions asked. Total and complete acceptance. Is that really possible?


Cathy Hutchison said...

Okay, I have to say I hate the perfect spouse lists. Because at the end of the day, you don't get a custom-designed person, you get "some guy." Some guy you won't really know until you live with him. And it may turn out terrible, and it may turn out wonderful based on a single, solitary thing.


Is this other person as committed to living life with you and creating a family as you are to them? Are they committed spiritually?

It's really not about characteristics. And worse, you don't even get to pick. Because at the end of the day, there is this weird chemistry thing that either happens or doesn't for reasons no one at all understands.

And...then on top of that people change and grow, so the person you marry at 25 barely resembles the person you live with at 45, and if they are committed spiritually, that is generally a good thing though definitely not guaranteed and if they aren't it is a huge crap shoot.

A friend of mine recently shared a quote by J R R Tolkien that said:
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates.

All of this to say that the list in the end tends to be hugely irrelevant.

Sorry, Sherri. (Notice I don't mind critiquing your idea because I haven't a clue who you are! Smile.)

Ashley said...

LOL. We never have to wonder what you are thinking!! I agree in many ways... but it was thought provoking to have to come up with a "list" in theory... Just general qualities I'd like to see in someone...doesn't mean I can pull up and order the perfect guy at Starbucks.. and I realize that.. You crack me up!

NancyJ said...

Even though I didn't know it at the time, I did have a list, and it contained only 5 things.

Agreed - we can't special order spouses. Agreed - even if we did, they'd likely need to be returned or at least guaranteed by "American Spouse Shield"...because they'd definitely dissapoint somewhere.

With that said, it definitely helped me difinitively weed out a LOT of "frogs" to know and stick to the 5 things. Peter may not have found me while out on his steed having just left the castle, but he's also not slimy, eating flies, and jumping from lilly pad to lilly pad. An altogether good thing.

The 5-thing list didn't mean NO heartache, but saved me a LOT of heartache for sure! I could live in Sherri World.

NancyJ said...

P.S. Agreed - ABOVE ALL, committment IS the most important thing!

Cathy Hutchison said...

Wait...what were the 5 things???

NancyJ said...

1. Godly
2. Funny
3. Ambitious
4. Full of integrity
5. Someone I could respect

Cathy Hutchison said...

Awwww....looks like you got all 5.

NancyJ said...

YES I DID...AND MORE!! :-)AND...another important aspect, Bob-the-Orthodontist and Bill-the-Rock-Climber, who I dated in High School and College and everyone (including my mother) thought I should marry, didn't have one or more of the 5, so I KNEW they weren't right for me in spite of what everyone else thought! Viva the list!!

NancyJ said...

...and because I can't stop talking...another P.S...Bob-the-Orthodontist had been through 4 wives last I heard back in 2004! Yikes! And that's the one my mom thought I should marry (before she met Peter, of course!) :-)

Jay Ramirez said...

What about, "He will pour me a glass of 'mommy juice' when I've had a bad day?"

Ashley said...

New list:
1. Committed
2. Non Loser
3. Brings me Mommy Juice

The rest was just dreaming big...I think that was the point..Growing is hard...