Thursday, August 6, 2009

The Year

August 6, 2009

Greetings. I blog. I write. Then I don't post them or forget to or am scatter brained and don't get to it. Sometimes I write as a cleansing process and I think "meh" I don't need to write that and I delete... but it's part of my journey.

Written/Blogged July 1

Over a year ago. I got dressed as I would any other day. I had arrangements for someone to be with Cole and I drove to the courthouse. I was number two on the docket. My friends and family had offered to come with me, but there comes a point where you have to stand on your own, and accept it . At 31, after six years of marriage, I stood before the judge and had to say that my marriage was beyond repair. I had to acknowledge that it had failed, but that the terms of the decree outlined what was fair and in the best interest of our child. The judge stamped it, signed it, and handed the decree back to me.. 60 seconds somehow erased 6 years. I walked it down for it to be filed away and just like that- it was done. I almost forgot that it has been over a year, probably because it was over long before it was final.

Leaving that courthouse I knew that Cole's care would be mine. I knew that a part of me had died. I knew that the guilt would surround me and I knew that I would spend a lot of time praying. I knew that the next year was going to be hard and that it would take the of support from my friends and family for me to get through it. That support started about two hours later when one of my best girlfriends came over to help me re-paint my bedroom..a perfect shade of yellow. I need happy colors around me. Sometimes you need new scenery and a new beginning. My new beginning sort of started that night.

Last summer was hard, but I made it through. By late summer, early fall things were definitely starting to look up. My dark cloud was becoming a lighter shade of gray. I started to realize I could move on.

Grace Eventually
A long time ago, I took a vow before God and everyone who loved me and a year ago when I stood before that judge I essentially said " You know.. I was just kidding about that.." My albeit simplistic interpretation of the Bible is: divorce is wrong. I researched, read and re read every book, chapter and verse that talked about divorce. I didn't really have an approved "out" biblicaly speaking. I struggled with this for a very long time. How could I feel totally embraced spiritually when I was going against His word? I realize I'm human... and on some crazy level I know I will be forgiven for my daily sins.. the small ones..but this to me was fairly huge.

Grace is an amazing gift. I asked for it daily. I offered it up to Will in the way I've dealt with things. And one day I decided to forgive myself and I'm almost there.

Here's what I've learned about prayer.... For the first time in my life I never prayed for what I thought Cole or I needed or wanted. I just prayed for His presence in my life and Cole's. I prayed for guidance and for the right path to be revealed for us. While it has been a struggle of a journey-I feel like it has. A year ago I had lost so much emotionally, spiritually and financially, but now I have so much more than I ever could have imagined. Just a year later.

I'm a big fan of Anne Lamott. One of her books usually resides on my nightstand (in the pile). In her book Grace Eventually she says this: "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine."

Give it a try (not the divorce part, but the prayer part). Sometimes in life you can't possibly fathom what is in store for you.