Random Ramblings of a Crazy Red Head

No. 2

2011-04-02T19:25:00.000-05:00

Do I get snaps for not spending my several blog posts complaining about being pregnant or all the fun things that go along with it? It's been a struggle. I know there are lots of women out there that love being pregnant. That find it to be this amazing experience, indulge in all of their cravings, and relish the excuse to not do certain things and taking it easy. Confession: I am not one of those women. I'm not a happy pregnant person. Shocker I know... I love the end result, but I find pregnancy annoying. Just ask my husband. He will confess to my craziness these last 9 months. The rage one minute and the unexplainable crying the next (I'm not a chick who cries over little things..). Hormones: don't try them at home. One day while at the office, I day dreamed for quite sometime about body slamming my New York boss for giving me his unsolicited opinion... not a rational thought. At all. Apparently don't try hormones at work either.

I am fortunate. My pregnancy has progressed without incident..other than the usual. I haven't even really had any strange cravings. My weight gain has been less than with Cole, whom I gained more than 50lbs with...I am eager to meet my son and nervous at the same time.

I know my relationship with this son will be completely different than my relationship with Cole and I find myself perplexed. Cole was a fairly easy baby. Happy most of the time. He has been an easy toddler. I absolutely adore him and he's my pride and joy... (though there are those moments where he makes me want to bang my head on a brick wall..) Cole likes to talk A LOT and while it's endearing, sometimes I just look at him and say "Bubba you don't have to fill every moment with words.." He usually smiles at me and says "Mommy, I just have a wot to say..."

When Cole was born, it was eye opening. I expected more for him than I did for myself...and that led to some life altering changes. So I find myself wondering how will this son change me? There's really nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the ride...if activity in the womb is any indicator, this kid is going to be wild and I'm in trouble. But I'm so ready to meet him and discover what sort of little personality has been developing within him.

Holla!

Samuel

2011-03-03T23:00:00.002-06:00

Sometimes there are things going on in your life that are so deeply personal, that you hesitate to write about them… Those things where you literally pray to God “I do not understand how you could have let this happen” My pastor and friend, when I’ve expressed these feelings, always reassures me by telling me “He can handle it,” and somehow I don’t feel like as bad of a Christian for having these thoughts and/or negotiations with God.

When I found out Jay and I were pregnant, it clearly wasn’t planned. In fact, we were taking measures to prevent pregnancy. So much for 99% effectiveness..I feel like I should wear some sort of name tag that identifies me as the poster child for 1%. Regardless, we struggled with it, prayed about it and as the weeks went on realized what an amazing blessing it was. I think I was still in the process of “accepting” my own pregnancy when my brother called. I was drying Cole off after his bath… “Ash? Guess what…” My brother Chris and his wife Rachel were expecting as well. I screamed with delight.. and immediately told Cole about Uncle Chwis and Aunt Rawchel’s baby before I’d even told him of my own. He was delighted. The weeks went on and I found myself more and more excited that our kids would literally be a month a part in age, with me delivering first.

I received a call from my mother one early Monday morning. Rachel was in the hospital. Her water had broken at 17 weeks. They’d admitted her. Things didn’t look good. The family gathered around them. There was still a strong heartbeat. Our little Drury Baby was hanging on.

After several days, Rachel was sent home and put on bed rest. Weekly appointments with her doctor revealed there was no measurable amniotic fluid, but always a strong steady heart rate. Weeks passed. After the first of the year, at 24 weeks Rachel was admitted to the hospital where she’ll remain until they deliver the baby at 34 weeks at the end of March. There has never been much amniotic fluid, which is crucial for organ development, but most importantly the baby’s lungs. Without amniotic fluid, you can’t really determine the baby’s sex, but the doctors are more and more confident it’s a boy.. A boy to carry on the Drury name as my brother is the last male Drury. No pressure little guy.

Chris and Rachel

My best friend recently helped Chris and Rachel buy their first home by acting as their agent. She immediately dubbed them the “sweetest couple ever” and questioned me about why I wasn’t just as sweet. I affectionately call them the “do gooders” because they have both dedicated their careers to the education/development of children. My brother a junior high English Teacher and Rachel is a Camp Director for the YMCA. They are naturals when it comes to kids and both have looked forward to starting their own family.

I’ve been amazed as I’ve watched them deal with this. Their quiet strength, their Faith, their prayer together for a positive outcome and all of the waiting that comes as the doctors run every imaginable test to determine if your child is going to make it. There’s always been a steady heartbeat and as such Chris and Rachel’s stance has been clear: we won’t give up. My brother’s Faith developed at a much younger age than my own. While I was still questioning, he had already accepted it… But I’m continually humbled at his strength as a husband and father already.

This past Sunday, my Pastor’s sermon hit home. In it he basically said, that often times in a spiritual journey there is a space of non answer and that’s the space in which God creates Faith.. Faith does not mean having answers, it means being willing to live without them…Faith is having the security to be insecure…As my family waits for answers, I found myself comforted.

So to all four of my blog followers: Please pray for Chris, Rachel and their baby. Pray for comfort. Pray for the security to be insecure.

Update: As I wrote this blog on 2/21/11, Samuel was contemplating his arrival. At 2:43am on February 24, 2011 Samuel Jon Drury made his entrance weighing in at 3lbs 15 oz. He remains in the NICU and he’s a fighter…completely worthy of his namesake. He’s doing as well as can be expected and the staff has to keep him sedated. If not, he’s trying to pull the many tubes from his tiny body. God willing, Sam will meet his cousin in the nursery as I’m set to deliver at the same hospital in just a few weeks.

Holla.

Confessions of A Step Mother

2011-02-01T21:02:00.004-06:00

Here’s what I’m going to say about being a step mother after muddling thru almost a year of this complicated "title" and it’s brutally, brutally honest: It isn’t for wimps, and don’t embark on this journey without a licensed professional keeping you in check and lots of Mommy Juice. OK so I’m slightly kidding on the licensed professional thing…slightly.

When Jay and I started dating Hudson was 5 and Abigail was almost 7. We didn’t date in front of the kids… we would occasionally get together for a zoo outing or chuck e cheese or the like with all three kids. We didn’t show affection, or make any declarations of a “relationship” to any of the kids. When things became more serious, I started seeing the kids twice a month or so for a movie date and that was the extent of it. Once we became engaged I usually saw them every Saturday that they were with their Dad and we’d try to plan fun excursions for them.

Someone once told me that if you marry someone with kids, you immediately have to love their children, but I think they are completely wrong and you put all kinds of ridiculous pressure on the kids, yourself, and the relationship to feel this compelling love for someone else’s children. It just doesn’t happen overnight and I’ve learned not to beat myself up over it. Do I love my step children and want the best for them? Absolutely. Do they have a deep rooted bond with me? Absolutely not. Do I think they love me? A little. Will it come? Only time will tell, but if it doesn’t, that can’t define me… and as a woman, a mother, someone genetically predisposed to be able to bond with children, it took me a long time to get there and I still have to remind myself of it every day.

Eb and Flow

If you’re a mother, think of all the disgusting parts of your day to day existence when you have kids. Let’s be real: you change diapers, you exist with spit up on your clothes, you nurse them when they are sick, console them when they are sad, clean up all of their nasty messes, scrub stains from their undies, occasionally you venture to the back seat of your car where there is no telling what sort of science experiment you will find and ask youself: What the Hell??? You deal with their moods, their temperament, and their bad days. You celebrate their small victories and offer up lots of hugs and unconditional love. You bath them, you battle to feed them something nutritious, you tuck them in, pray with them, fall into bed exhausted and get up in the morning just to do it all again. You do this in conjunction with trying to teach them manners, respect, doling out necessary discipline, and trying oh so hard to shape them into functioning adults. You do this in conjunction with working at a job you hate because it pays the bills and provides security. And if you’re a mother, you know exactly why you do all of this: because you can’t imagine loving anyone more than you love your kids. I think God gives us children so we can begin to fathom the unconditional love and grace He shines down on us mere humans. Their happiness becomes your happiness and at the end of the day nothing makes me feel better than my son’s blind adoration. At some point it won’t be there, but for now it is and that in and of itself makes all of the crap you deal with daily and all of the inner demons you battle worth it. When he says “Mommy I love you…” for no reason at all, that gives me the courage to get up and do it all again tomorrow and look for the best possible stain removers on the market.

Now imagine doing it for kids that have no blind adoration for you what so ever… none. In fact, after you’ve done their laundry, packed their lunch, entertained their friends, searched 10+ stores for jeans to fit them, cleaned their room and made them their favorite meal, they will want to call their Mom at the end of the day when it’s time to go to sleep and you have served your purpose. You kept their world turning for the day and while you’ve blindly done it because it’s what you would do for your own kids, you walk away feeling used, unappreciated, and exhausted. Stepmother: it ain’t for wimps.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I never ever, for any reason, will try to take the place of their own mother. It’s not my intent,my place, nor do I want the full time role. There are years there that I wasn’t present for and a biological bond. They most certainly didn’t choose me, and I completely respect that. But it’s terribly hard not to take the act of being a “mother figure” without being a “mother” in stride at times. The thing I hear over and over again, that makes me want to scream: you can’t take it personally. How the heck can you not? Before you start in on telling me that I’m the adult and it’s not the kids’ responsibility to validate me emotionally- I couldn’t agree more.

I'll talk more on this evolving relationship with the new direction of my blog. For those of you reading this thinking I’m whining or complaining. Stick with me. That’s not my intent. My intent is to lay the ground work for talking about what I call the small miracles along the way…and when you’re blending a family you have to look for the small miracles daily. Otherwise you’ll loose your mind..and mommy juice isn't an option for me right now..

Holla!

Failure to Launch

2011-01-30T22:35:00.002-06:00

As I struggle through parenthood.. hoping oh so hard to get it right and knowing that I am inevitably causing irreparable damage when I, on occasion, I don't know, lose it with my kids..I've come to some fairly deep revelations about differences in parenting style and what might cause such differences... and I've made some correlations.

You parent with one of two objectives (if you're honest): A) Giving your child the life skills they need to go out and make it on their own in this world or B) Encouraging your child to be dependent on you (on some level) for the remainder of his or her life.

With either objective, you clearly love your kids. You want the best for them. Your vision of what's best is just slightly skewed depending on your objective.. the one that is buried deep within you. Don't get me wrong, when I think of an empty nest or taking Cole to college or financially cutting him off in the event he chooses not to go or the worrying that will inevitably come with the "launch" I tear up. But I want my kids to have happy, fulfilled, successful lives and for them not to be dependent upon me. I don't want to raise grandchildren (though I certainly would if I had to). I want to enjoy them. I don't want to be financially supporting four kids after we've kicked their butts all the way through college... and after a while, I don't need any of my adult children living with me. They should go forth and prosper.. and prosperity shouldn't include my pocket book.

On the other end of the spectrum is the parenting style where on some level you always want your kids to need you. You always bail them out. You don't expect them abide by the same rules as other kids... You're the parent at the parent teacher conference who when the teacher says "____ could really use some assistance with_____" that answers that statement with : "well perhaps you could do a better job of teaching" Of course there are times where this is absolutely true, but also times where you as the parent have failed to give your kid some sort of skill and will make excuses for the rest of his or her life rather than looking in the mirror.

I've been told in this life that I have unrealistic expectations of people. And at times, that I am wrong to have expectations of my children.. Frankly, I admit my short comings freely, but if I don't expect my kids to behave, be mannerly, functioning and expect respect- tell me, who will?

Here's the cold, hard, truth in parenting (in my humble opinion). You can't protect your child from every heartbreak.. They'll never learn to move forward. You can't protect them from the sinful nature of this world. You can only talk frankly with them about it and instill a different moral boundary. You can't always fix their problems- they'll never learn to take responsibility. You can't always make excuses for them... Sometimes they need to suffer consequences. You can't always bail them out... They'll expect it the rest of their lives.

I've been pretty frank about becoming a step parent and dealing with that transition. Jay has the opportunity to parent his kids approximately 40% of the time. We have expectations in terms of behavior, manners, respect, & contributions to the family unit.. Our love is not a dependent one and it's a struggle. Frankly, their mother who moved back in with her parents and is re-evaluating the need for a career by returning to school- touts frequently "My Children are my life and my first priority.." And she certainly parents to this extreme. She's their friend, not always a parent and is raising them to be extremely dependent. It's frustrating. Abigail and Hudson are amazing kids and they have to bounce back and forth between the different expectations and I'm not sure who is right?

Hudson is the natural athlete in our family and as such, we try to boost self esteem by playing this skill up. Last year at his soccer game, he was kicked in the shines... Trust me, it was painful.. He decided to sit out. He ran directly to his mother's lap where she coddled, stroked him, babied and re-assured him for the remaining 45 minutes of the game. Jay was pacing saying "Why isn't she sending him back in?" Hudson is one of the team's best players. It's awesome that Hudson is so loved... But there was a lesson here for Hudson to learn: When life knocks you down take a minute, re-group, but get back in the game..that's mine and Jay's expectation, but when your love cripples your children to complete dependence and a an athletically gifted kid is sitting in his mother's lap like he's still a dependent toddler... I wonder, are you failing your child as a parent? How is this example any different than a grown woman, running directly back to her parents to take care of her when the divorce is final?

Time will tell. By no means am I perfect parent and I frequently get it wrong, and while I love my kids more than anything..I also love them enough to be tough on them. To have expectations and to invest the time in teaching them life skills. Because, I honestly couldn't handle a failure to launch and when you sign up to be a parent, you give up the ability to take the easy way out. Holla!

Hello 2011!

2011-01-10T20:49:00.023-06:00

And she's back. So I realized today at work, it's really 2011. I think it takes me a week of typing dates and communicating it for it to actually sink in...there are still 354 days for life to change in 2011 and trust me it will.

As I reflect on the last several years of life, I think about where I've been and how much I've accomplished and better yet where I want to go. I think I want my blog to take a new path this year but before I talk about that new path I guess I need to cover some of the past. Those of you whom I call friend, already know so much of this, but for those of you just finding my blog let me bring you up to speed: I am crazy (but in a good way hence the title of my blog) and several years ago I wondered through the darkest valley I'd been through this far in life: it's called Divorce. I blogged a lot about starting over and being a single mom and how completely and totally terrifying it was.. I call 2008 the "rip cord" year. I turned my life and my son's upside down on shear faith that once I lept and pulled the rip cord that we'd land in a better place and we did.

When I started 2009 I'd met someone... he was dubbed Marketing Boy for the purposes of this blog and to protect the innocent. I've blogged a lot about our relationship and our story...I got a new job and started finding my way. I call 2009 the Recovery Year...

In 2010, Marketing Boy and I embarked on a whole new kind of journey: we sold both of our houses..we got married... and because we're both divorced we wanted to make sure it stuck, so we got married not once..but twice (just to be on the safe side) We bought a house, and we learned in August that we would add another baby to our brood. I'm dubbing 2010 the Moving On/Building the Foundation Year.

Right now I'm affectionately looking at 2011 as the "Holy Crap" year.. and I'm at peace. Our son (God willing) will be born in April. We are still not at a place where the blending of the proverbial "His" and "Mine" child situation is super easy so adding "ours" seemed like a brilliant idea. Both of our careers (like most of America) are somewhat questionable.. so we have three soon to be four kids, a whole lot of Faith that God never gives us more than we can handle, and each other. "Holy Crap?" you ain't never lying. As in "Holy Crap" I hope the foundation is sturdy enough to hold up the dreams of all of these kids, a new marriage and questionable careers??" My prayer time and Jay's blood pressure have gone up infinitely since August. But we remain happy, still together, and hopeful that all the sacrifices we made financially, emotionally and logistically for our family in 2010 will start to pay off.

New Direction

So when I started this blog during the rip cord year, I did it mostly as a therapeutic outlet for my situation at the time. I never thought people would actually read it.. Many of my posts were also about my son, Cole, so it was sort of a place to keep all the notes I'd written about him. When I started receiving comments, the best ones, were generally letting me know I was doing ok at not being a bitter divorced chick. This made me think maybe there was something to all of this blogging stuff and in hind site, I remain proud of the way I handled it for Cole and myself. I've met bitter divorced chick since that time, and trust me when I say, I'm definitely not that stereotype.

As I think about the Holy Crap year, here's the truth.. Marketing Boy and I are in the midst of blending a family... and it's not easy. I don't suppose family and raising kids is ever easy, but we're getting through it and there are highs and lows. So as I muddle through my Holy Crap year- I will share the story because blended families are everywhere around us and they aren't always painted in the best light. We have remained dedicated to seeking a great deal of coaching to get this right and when a lot of divorced parents resort to bad mouthing the other parent, we've chosen a different path when it would certainly be easier to join in the mudslinging. So if I can share that story (or at least some of it) and it helps get me and my family through, well then I think that's the benefit of the social networking world we live in...maybe it'll give someone a laugh or someone out there will let me know they've been there too... only time will tell.

In the coming weeks, I'll be revamping my blog site, introducing you to some new characters, and Random Ramblings of a Crazy Red Head will be less about me and Cole "the solo mission" and more about my crazy blended family, new baby, and new marriage.

But Holy Crap it's 2011 and I have a feeling great things are going to start to happen.

Holla!

We're Women

2010-07-27T21:20:00.003-05:00

So lately, I've been thinking a lot about the roles of women. As I look at my own life, I realize I'm surrounded by strong women. I am a working mom so a lot of my friends are career ladies, and lots of them have chosen not to make work their focus.

I often wonder if there is a direct correlation in female empowerment and the astounding divorce rate in America. But then I think about how many women in generations before stayed in abusive, destructive relationships because they had no other choice and wonder if empowerment, education and careers are really such a bad thing... focus Ashley.

As a woman today, you'll likely wear many hats. Wife, mother, daughter, sister, Christ Follower, Friend... to name a few. My favorite stories in life are often of women who were knocked down and hit rock bottom, only to pick themselves up and make an impact. While there is a lot of mindless reading that fills my bookshelves (Yes the Twilight Saga is part of that), in my night stand there is a different sort of stack: Anne Lamott, my Bible, The Message... to name a few.. and every night after I tuck Cole away, if I'm feeling a little lost or discouraged by all of these roles or hats that have to be worn, I seek a cup of comfort in my not so mindless reading.

Tonight, I dug a little further back and dusted it off from my bookshelf: Iyanla VanZant was an author I discovered in college. When I googled her tonight, she's taken her message way beyond a series of books and I'm not sure how I feel about that... However, her story is a sad one: Abuse,teen pregnancy, more abuse, divorce, welfare... She applied for a series of grants and completed college and law school with three children in tow. She believes that the other parts of your life aren't going to flourish until your spiritual house is in order. Many people would consider her and Anne Lamott a little "new agey" but I'm of the mindset that until I meet my Maker on my day of judgement, I am not going to judge any one's walk with Christ while I'm here on Earth. I just want to learn from it? Back to Iyanla.. At the beginning of her book, "Yesterday I Cried" is a very moving poem. I read it aloud to myself when I'm really feeling blue.. Sometimes great writing is about sharing/introducing people to someone else's and while this blog is by no means great writing... This poem is:

Yesterday I cried.
I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra and had myself a good cry.
I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.
I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried
for all the days I was too busy, or too tired or too mad to cry.
I cried for all the days and all the ways and all the times I had been dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.
I cried for all the things I had been given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up;
for all the things i had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.
I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.
Yesterday I cried.
.......
Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because the hurt had no place to go except deeper in the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.
I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.
I cried a soulful cry yesterday and it felt so good.
It felt so very very bad.
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because
Yesterday, I cried
...... with an agenda.

I'm at a really good place in my life and while that good place isn't where I want to be, I'm realizing that it never will be and to just embrace that I'm right here, right now for a specific reason. Strength, many times, comes from showing weakness. Some days, no matter how great life is going or what kind of "handle" you think you have on it..there is a cleansing that comes from a good cry and to all the men out there: you should try it.

My blog has been something I have been neglecting... but my journey isn't over. My career is in need of CPR. I'll always have some crazy mommy tales to tell, and wifely tales to tell soon.. so stay tuned. Holla!

Step W-h-a-t?

2010-07-06T20:46:00.000-05:00

When you are a little girl and growing up and dreaming of the man you'll marry and what kind of house you'll have and how many kids you'll have and what you'll do for a living you never say "I want to be a step mom." *flash to Cinderella with her wicked step mother and equally wicked step sisters*

I've found it's something that just sort of happens to you. My Mom was a step mom. My Dad was married previously and my sister is ten years older than me. I watched my Mother struggle with step mother hood.. trying oh so hard to get it right. I'm not saying it's a bad fate, but talk about coming with some challenges- it absolutely does and it has remained my greatest concern for mine and MB's marriage. I could totally screw it up and live up to the Cinderella image...

Shortly after Marketing Boy and I became engaged, rather than ordering an ettiquette book on throwing a second simple wedding ceremony, I filled my Amazon.com cart with titles like " Stepcoupling" and "The Working Girl's Guide to being a Stepmom" I watched Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon and sobbed. Never thought I would be a stepmom. I guess I thought I would get a divorce and it miraculously it wouldn't happen for me. Boy was I an idiot.

Close to 60% of American Families are what we affectionately call "Blended Families" and it certainly feels that way. Insert "his" and "hers" and the two of you into blender and press "blend" and that is very definitely how it can feel sometimes. No one is right or wrong- we're just all different.

We have sought a great deal of coaching on how to blend a family. We talk through issues with a professional and get suggestions or ideas about how to make our life in a blender a little more smooth. Then comes step 2 :Try to spend as much time together as a family unit as possible. This will make the transition after marriage a little easier. I'm learning, that there are good weekends with the kids and there are challenging weekends with the kids. Weekends where you think: I can totally do this- I'm a step mom super woman. Then there are those weekends where you feel like you've been through nuclear war and you have grown a wart on your nose and you suck and they hate you. These are the weekends where I happily bound into the office on Monday morning for a little solitude and peace that comes with a 9x9 cube.

Here is why I think it's harder for women to swallow this "step" craziness. Women are very often responsible for the nurturing of the kids. The setting the stage of the home life, the family dynamics, and really they (like it or not) are the center of the family unit on a lot of levels. It's so easy for me to nurture Cole: I know every wound, every hurt, every issue and I've been there from the beginning. I know what he needs before he even needs it. I don't have to learn: I know. With stepkids it constantly changes. You get to have an impact 25% of the time and with Marketing Boy and I, we know they aren't getting the most positive picture of us when they are with their Mom. I can never be prepared enough for the emotions that come to us every other weekend. So it's a constant experiment in trial and error. Trying to understand what's going on with them and learning to be the sounding board they need.

Step families get a bad rap. Nuclear families are best, but in my day to day life I hear a lot of really positive things about step families (if done right). There is a lot of influencing that can be done. It warms my heart when Abigail and Hudson share secrets and thoughts with me that they don't even share with their biological parents. Jay tucks Cole in most nights and "upside down on the bed" is the usual routine and he absolutely treats Cole as if he were his own.

There is the struggle of being the complete opposite of their mother in terms of parenting style and expectations. But what I'm learning, when I allow myself too, is God put me in their lives and them in mine for a very specific reason. While we're still figuring that out and there is craziness, chaos, and emotion.. There has been a lot of growth and strength that comes when two people press "blend" and trust each other enough to hold on for dear life.

Stepmom... My life suddenly hit fast forward and I've been thrown in the deep end with a six year old and eight year old. Luckily, their Dad is always willing to throw me a life raft.

It's Not Just a House

2010-04-21T20:30:00.002-05:00

It has been my home. I often tell people when I bought it- it looked like rainbow bright threw up. Clearly there's a lot of sweat equity in the house.

My home on Sunny Point has been my rock. Heck the name of the street alone as one of the things I loved about it. I've always felt safe and secure there. It's comforting when you are a single mom to know that you can pay the bills and provide a nice place for your son to live. Where you know the neighbors and the schools are good. But my single mom days are quickly coming to an end, and three bedrooms isn't quite enough for my soon to be family of five.

If I'm honest, I wasn't in a hurry to sell it. Selling would mean I would have to move forward. When you're me and don't do well with change and have trust issues beyond belief and if you read my previous post, I had a great deal of homework to do on that front in terms of personal growth. But the timing of the sale was everything we had hoped for.

Sure, it's a house. Bricks and sticks. Many people would say a home isn't really anything more than the people who share it with you. Perhaps, I'm shallow, but my home is a reflection of me. An emotional journey if you will. Lots of memories made there... good and bad. And when you start to go through everything and really try to pack away memories in card board boxes, for me, there is absolutely a little bit of mourning that has to happen. I'll pack like a mad woman and then just sit there and think about everything that happened in that particular room.. or how many times I had to re-work it to make it just so. Or what it looked like when I first moved in. I'm sorry, that's not just a house- it's a home.

There something to be said for being able to find your way around a place in the pitch black because your body has memorized every step. Or knowing how long it takes for me to get from my room to Cole's when he's had a bad dream. But I'll have these things in the new house too.

Something that I find completely amazing: From the looks of it, the lady who is purchasing the house is a single Mom too. It warms my heart that she might find the same sort of comfort from the house and the neighborhood that I did.

While, I'm so excited about my new house and the start of my new life... I couldn't move forward without closing that door and saying I've been so fortunate to have lived on Sunny Point for the past eight years. I'll miss my butler's pantry and garden tub with my super cool bath fixtures, and my favorite neighbors, but it's time to move on and make some new memories.

You Can Probably Guess What Happened

2010-04-15T20:20:00.002-05:00

So back to my series of Blog posts about Jay.. I mean Marketing Boy..

I will never say our relationship hasn't been a rocky road. It absolutely has. We have had to deal with so much in our time together. New jobs (both of us), selling houses (his and mine) this economic recession that has hit us all... our kids.. and his ex wife remains a super fun treat : )

But we've weathered the storm and at the end of the day he's the first person I want to tell when something great happens, and the first person I need to help me along when it feels like I just can't any more.

We absolutely fight, but we fight fair. We're both willing to admit that we were wrong. We still love to do things together... We laugh a lot but when there's been two divorces between you- we cry a lot too. We worry about the kids together. We struggle with day to day life together. But we remain committed to work on the relationship every day.

In November, I had some minor surgery. The night before Jay said we should go have a relaxing dinner and get my mind off of it. We re-lived our first date. He proposed at the restaurant where we first met. It was expertly timed: asking my parents for permission, the kneel down, the entire restaurant clapped, and there was immediately some champagne to enjoy. I couldn't have been happier.. When we crossed the street to go have a celeberatory beer at the Old Monk all of our closest friends were there to celebrate with us.. I floated around on my own private cloud for a while..

Shortly thereafter, fear set in. Could I really do this again? I had a "what if" for everything. I had an excuse for why I wasn't planning the ceremony and I let fear rain on my parade. Everyday, Jay showed up. Answering all of my questions. Dealing with my concern of the day and all of the relentless discussions I insisted we have. Another failed marriage wasn't an option for me, and fear kept me stagnant.

Several weeks ago, I totally got called on the carpet for the way I was proceeding in our premarital counseling... "Ashley, you pursue everything in your life with a passion and a vengeance.. why aren't you pursuing this marriage?" There it was. That thing I hadn't dealt with.

I struggle with Faith and my relationship with God is something that challenges me daily. Over the last two years, I have been constantly questioning "God when will you stop punishing me for getting a divorce?" Then it was ever so delicately brought to my attention that God just doesn't work that way. He's not keeping score. Romans Chapter 8 " There is no condemnation for those who remain in Jesus..." I'm forgiven if I choose to forgive myself.

I'm not saying that I got up and said "I forgive myself!! I rock!!" It was more along the lines of sleepless nights,crying and trying to let it all go. There wasn't some magical "ahh haaa" moment, but shortly after I worked through this garbage and began the process, everything started coming together. I had the "divine" sign I was looking for. I finally received an offer on my house. We put an offer on the "dream" house we'd been drooling over off and on (literally on and off the market) for over a year.. and we now have a wedding date set.

Grace is something that humbles me daily. Honestly, it remains something I have difficulty fathoming. But in relationships, I'm learning, it's something that you have to constantly be willing to offer up.

And through it all, Jay has continued to amaze me by being right there with me while I try to sort it all out.

Kitchen Table Chats

2010-03-24T20:37:00.000-05:00

Kitchen Table Chats

When I think about my childhood, I always think, wow! I had a pretty good one and I then it is usually followed with worry about whether or not Cole will have the same sort of recollection.

I had fairly amazing parents. No one is a perfect parent, but hindsight being 20/20 they showed up and told us they loved us everyday. They supported us, we never wanted for much, and in return they had certain expectations of us, which gave us a certain amount of accountability. My parents did the day to day shaping of my person, and doled out the discipline. But if I had to say there was another person present in my life as a child that made me who I am, it was my Grandmother who we all affectionately called Grandsam. This isn’t my first blog post about her, and probably won’t be my last.

I miss her. All the time. January was the four year anniversary of her death. I ended up taking a personal day from work. Too bad you can’t call in sad. Because every year about that time, I remember and I grieve a little bit all over again because she’s not here to talk to me and tell me what she thinks.

I was the only granddaughter and the youngest of four. Every summer my parents would drop my brother and me off to spend a week or more with my Grandsam, Pa and my two cousins (Jason and Kevin). I spent a lot of time being tortured by the boys. Let’s see if we can drown Ash was always a fun game to play. But I guess it made me spunky and thanks to the torture I can hold my own pretty well. When we all started to grow up, weeks with the grandparents became less frequent. There were plenty of occasions where it was just my brother and I for a long weekend. And when I was old enough to drive, I’d make the trek to Graham, Texas to see her on my own or with my Mom. Usually upon arrival, I would walk through the house to see what had changed and not much ever did. Then we’d sit at the kitchen table and talk- for hours. A lot of it was spent catching up, laughing and remembering. Eventually, it would be bedtime but I knew exactly where I would find her in the morning when I woke up. She’d be at the kitchen table, reading her bible or a book and drinking her coffee. She always woke up early and this was her ritual all the years I could remember.

I’d assume my perch at the other end of the table and the talking would commence again. She'd usually make me a cup of coffee too and homemade cinnamon rolls were a tradition. When you allow yourself to really pay attention to someone’s life story, you allow yourself to really know them. My Grandsam had a really hard life. Really hard, but she was one of the most positive people I’ve ever met. She lost a daughter, Onza Gail; when Onza was only 5. She later recovered and had my Mom and Uncle. When my mother was 10, her father was killed in an oil well fire and that left my Grandmother with two kids to raise on her own and a widow. She later remarried and the only Grandfather I ever knew “Pa” died when I was 12. She once told me, after losing her daughter, she woke up one morning and told God she was through with Him. How could He let this happen? What would she do? She couldn’t be faithful any longer… She teared up when she told me, “ I didn’t last the day- I was praying again by night time… I needed Him”

I learned some valuable life lessons during our Kitchen Table chats. She use to tell me, “Ashley, you need to get an education and be able to take care of yourself and your children. You never know what life is going to bring you and an education is something that can’t be taken away from you..” It’s just as important for you as it is the boys she use to say. How right she was. When I graduated from College she said it was one of the proudest days of her life.

Nothing much was off limits during kitchen table chats. Boys, being upset with or not understanding my parents, girl friends, school, and what I was suppose to do with my life… we covered the gamut. Then she’d tell me she was going to get calluses on her knees from all the praying she was going to have to do for me.

When it was time for me to go home, we’d hug, and she would tear up. She would tell me how much she loved me and just like she always did when I was a kid- she’d stand out in the yard and blow kisses until I was out of sight.

In a world where families often revolve around the Television- Kitchen Table chats were pretty awesome. And while the tradition continues with my Mom, Dad & Family.. I still miss her and remember her and thank her for taking the time to have them with me. What I wouldn’t give for one now.

The Turning Point - Part II

2010-03-11T20:12:00.000-06:00

Some of the best relationship advice I've received in my life is some that I received when I least expected it. I was advised that relationships, healthy ones, are much like a three legged stool. Each leg is crucial to the support of the stool or relationship. The legs are fairly simple: Spiritual, Emotional & Physical. If these three components or legs are there, then you have yourself a good foundation and a pretty rockin stool ( I added the rockin part, but the advice was given by my Pastor and friend and he's pretty rockin too) When you realize that your past relationships were balancing on one leg and when you find yourself ready to pursue a relationship again, you start becoming keenly aware of having all three legs. Because, hopefully you've learned, balancing on one leg is exhausting.

In every relationship, I think there's a turning point where you realize, this is someone who really gets me and has potential. I'm not a girl who expects the big gesture of flowers, chocolates, and all of that crap. Because honestly, any schmuck with a wallet can buy some flowers and sweep you off your feet. I wanted real. I wanted a three legged stool. I wanted someone who that I would know when the poo hit the fan, he'd be equal to the task..not someone who would lay down on the couch and expect me to figure it out. Flowers, candy, feet sweeping and such? Not for me.

With Marketing Boy, I remember the day I thought "This guy has potential and he could be my three legged stool" I'd had a pretty crappy day at work. One of those days you feel chewed up and spit out. I was having a financial crisis (the car, the house, the life) and really it was one of those days you say to yourself, if one more thing goes wrong- I'll just scream.

When I picked up the phone, it was Jay on other end. I guess he could tell I'd had a bad day. He said, "Why don't you go home and get Cole to bed and I'll come make you dinner? I'll pick up a movie on the way." Sign me up, I thought. He showed up and made me dinner. While we talked I found out that he was a couple of credits shy of a Masters Degree in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary. I very nearly fell out of my chair. Because I hadn't dubbed him Seminary Boy. He was Marketing Boy. There was a movie (sorry I don't remember the title) and about the time we sat down to watch it the smoke detector started beeping and I thought to myself- there is my one more thing to send me over the edge. Before I could even make a sarcastic comment about it being the icing on the cake of my day, he was scaling Cole's toddler table figuring out how to fix it. Maybe I wasn't destined to figure it out on my own with my broomstick after all?

When he went home that evening, I realized I was hooked. Definitely three legged stool qualities. We've been together every since and he still shows up for me & Cole everyday and in every way.

While I'm still learning that the legs never stay perfectly balanced and sometimes the stool gets a little wobbly I'm also realizing that I've found someone who is willing to help me try.

The Turning Point....Part 1

2010-03-11T20:11:00.002-06:00

So I started a series of blog posts- but in typical me style,I have been distracted and preoccupied and it's time for me to refocus. Blogging is something that, I've put out there and it's a very healing/growing process for me to realize where I'm going and where I've been. So let's keep telling the story of Marketing Boy aka Jay.

So I'll fast forward a few dates. I can't be boring people with the details... After the next couple of dates Marketing Boy suggested we only date each other...I agreed, but I really wasn't looking for anything serious. I loved the time we spent together. He taught me how to run. We enjoyed doing things together. I was happy and content for the first time in a very long time. I was in no way focused on where anything was going or any of that stuff. Life had been hard- I just wanted to coast.

History
To tell you about the turning point- I need to rewind and tell you a little bit of history.. Rewind to August 2006. I was married to Cole's Dad... and 8 mos. pregnant. Cole's Dad was in the middle of Paramedic school. Working 24 hour shifts had already begun. I wasn't super stoked about being hugely pregnant and alone at night but hey.. it was the right career for him and relationships are about compromise. Cole's Dad was working. I'd finally gotten the position of the body pillow just right, & dosed off to sleep when I am awakened to this screeching beep... *BEEP* I look at the clock.. 1AM.. *sigh* Put pillow over my head.. try to go back to sleep.. *BEEP* BEEP* BEEP*.. I roll out of bed.. Waddle into the living room where I've identified the shrill beep coming from.. it's the smoke detector. Me- 5'5" and pregnant... up against the smoke detector positioned on the 16 foot ceiling. The 14' ladder was in my neighbor's storage shed (we have that kind of neighborly relationship) I was contemplating going over there and getting it but sanity checked in and I realized I probably shouldn't be scaling the 14 foot ladder this pregnant.

There was nothing left to do but go back to bed. *BEEP*

The next morning I managed to get ready for work. I was waddling out the door when the hubby showed up after a long 24 hour shift. You always feel bad asking for anything when someone has worked for 24 hours straight.... But I knew he'd need a nap-and the smoke detector might prove a nuisance for him as well- So I told him the smoke detector was acting up, it had beeped all night and that it probably needed a replacement battery. He said "ok" and I left for work. When I came home that evening I asked if he had gotten a chance to change the battery and he told me that it hadn't beeped all day.. I said "ok..but would you please change it during your 48hrs off..because it will start beeping again..and I don't think I should get the ladder out and take care of it this pregnant" "No problem" he said.. I'll take care of it.."

Fast forward a night. Another 24 hour shift and it's just me and my belly. Again, I'm awakened to *BEEP* *BEEP* .. I roll out of bed. Stupid smoke detector again. I call Cole's Dad thinking this isn't the battery thing.. "Oh I forgot to change it.. and I thought you might have been hallucinating.." Never mind I mumbled. I went out in the garage.. I didn't have the big ladder in order to actually change the battery- but I had the smaller one one.. and I had a broom stick...I drug the ladder in the house.

I climbed up to the very top.. extended my very pregnant body.. and began beating the living crap out of the stupid smoke detector with the broom stick. I nearly fell off the ladder. But I managed to take out the smoke detector and waddle back to bed.

Reading this I realize I probably sound like a spoiled princess and like I'm throwing my ex under the bus, but that's really not my point. He had a lot on his plate and I remain completely proud of him and his courage to pursue such a big career change. Trust me when I say, he's the type of person that is suited for it. And it's not that any other time I wouldn't have been just fine changing the battery of the smoke detector. But in relationships, I've learned, sometimes you do things to take care of the other person. Otherwise, it just never works.

My Life is A Snow Globe

2010-03-01T10:00:00.001-06:00

That's how my life feels right now. Like a snow globe. I'm one of those little plastic people trapped in a little world. Occasionally I wonder up, tap on the glass and proclaim "It's time to get the heck out of here."

I was pretty okay with single mom life. I had a little routine. Cole and I handled the transition okay.. and now someone picked up the snow globe and shook it. I mean hard. While life changes are new and exciting- they are also stressful and complicated. I can't even find the time to blog about how I got to my current state of feeling like I reside in a snow globe and it's a pretty good story in itself.

My house is on the market. It's very violating having people traipse in and out of your home criticizing and such. I'm getting closer by the day to having someone buy it and that terrifies me. I have no idea where I'm going to live or where my kid is going to go to preschool for that matter.. I'm suppose to be uber confident in this huge leap of faith and instead I find myself hanging out in my snow globe..where occasionally someone picks me up and shakes me. Snow globes are volatile. You put yourself on a shelf- available for the shaking. The rattling of the cage if you will.

Here's what I'm learning about life in the snow globe. It's largely about Faith. Faith in the prayers you've said that haven't been answered. Faith in the people who surround you in your little world and Faith that at some point, you'll get yourself out of the globe.. and everything and everyone will stop shaking. Life will be peaceful again. Until then though, and here's the hard part, you have to have Faith that you're in the right hands.

Holla! (Cough, Sneeze- stress doesn't do good things for your immune system either)

Noks

2010-01-25T11:37:00.005-06:00

It's funny how certain words or phrases that first develop when kids are developing their speech stick with you. For example, nok in Cole language meant snack. Sure sure he knows now that snack= nok, but for us the words are interchangeable. Sprouts is our local health food store and we have a tradition. I say we're going to Pouts and Cole knows he's getting a nok. Simply put- he gets to pick one of the bulk candy or chocolate items that the good people of Sprouts have pre-measured and put in uber convenient, environment destroying plastic packaging. The nok is his special sweet treat after dinner if he does a good job on his veggies and eating something somewhat nutritious. I also let him partake of a piece or two of it while we're shopping.

Swaying the Jury
Three year olds love to be en-powered. Ask them their opinion or if they can do something and generally they are equal to the task. I generally let Cole pick which nok he wants...but when reaches for the cinnamon fire candy or the chocolate covered espresso beans- obviously, there is a bit of swaying of the jury that has to happen. Simply put: Encourage my kid to make the "right" choice. Not the stuff that will make him a hyper freak show or cause him to projectile spit a piece of cinnamon candy in the middle of Pouts.

Every time, it's the same scenario and if I really think about it..now it's noks at Pouts but all too soon it will be a whole new level of encouraging and swaying.

Flashback
So I had a pretty strict disciplinarian in my mother. I received my fair share of spankings..was making my bed by age 5, wasn't allowed to bring home anything but A's & B's on my report card and you could hang it up if she ever caught wind of you misbehaving in school or being disrespectful to an adult. Really my mother just had certain expectations of my brother and I in terms of our behavior. Discipline she was fairly strict about it.. Allowing us to make our own choices? Well she walked a fine line on that one.

My brother and I both had friends, or activities my Mom didn't approve of.. but instead of putting her foot down and proclaiming " You can't be friends with that person..or you can't be in the Flag Corp or in the Jazz Band or get in the car with that crazy kid or whatever" She attempted to sway the jury. She knew just making the decision for us and saying "NO"..would make us want to do it all the more. So sometimes she'd give us just enough rope to hang ourselves.. Then we'd get disappointed by that friend she knew was bad news...or wouldn't be accepted into a certain clique..or didn't make the team. Then she'd be there to help us figure it out.

These life lessons don't really end once your parents have launched you from the house. I'm 32 and just last week I received a concerned email from my Mother. At first my response was "No she didn't.." I had to call my brother and talk it out. But she's just looking out for me and still trying to sway that jury...and encourage me to pick the right nok.
Holla!

The First Date

2010-01-04T14:35:00.008-06:00

I got to blog on my vacation!!

So Marketing Boy was one of my matches through eHarmony (thanks eHarmony)... I saw his picture, read his bio, and though it looked like he once wore a leopard print jacket with a pink shirt in one of his photos- I still decided to send him a message. Truth be told, I thought he had a nice smile and I liked his glasses.

We started into all of the guided eHarmony communication..made it to "open" communication within a day or so and before I knew it- he was my email buddy, and he gave me a call. By the end of the week- we had a date set to meet. Saturday night- dinner at the Porch.

I found myself actually excited about going on the date with Jay, instead of my usual dread. I got a sitter, got myself dressed, and took myself to The Porch. Where I found him, already there, beer in hand, jockeying for a position at the bar and re-arranging the bar stools. He was definitely my kind of cute... and thus our first date commenced.

We drank Corona Light and got to know each other. I learned he had two kids (Abigail 7 and Hudson 5) was married for 12 years..Adored his kids.. Owned his own creative company Marblehead... and was trying to make it in the world of life post divorce. Somewhere in there we had dinner. I remember commenting on the fact that he had this start up Company and that it must be stressful.. His reply was " I love it..but I have two employees and sometimes all the mouths to feed keeps me up at night.." I was intrigued. Here was a guy (not wearing a pink shirt and leopard print jacket) that felt a real responsibility to his employees and their families... He asked if I'd like to get another beer and I definitely did so we went across the street to the Old Monk and had another drink. We ended up talking for four more hours. He walked me to my car..we said goodnight... and I think I knew I'd met someone special. The two kids part scared the living crap outta me ( I know it's a complete double standard) but there was something about him.

So I won't bother to tell the entire world how he sent me a text message on Monday morning thanking me for dinner Sunday night...(I was the Saturday night date not the Sunday night date)..I almost deleted him right then. I take back what I said about meeting someone special.

OK not really, when you meet someone on eHarmony you kind of assume they are casually meeting other people too.. I was having dinner with someone Sunday night as well.. I couldn't be mad for too long.

Besides, he put on the full court press and lined up the next date fairly quickly.

The Background

2010-01-04T14:27:00.003-06:00

The Background:

To begin the story of Marketing Boy, I guess we need to rewind… To August a long time ago. I was in full hermit mode. It had been six months since Cole's Dad and I had separated… My divorce had been final for a while. I was doing better, but solely focused on Cole… He was getting fairly rotten.

My therapist, my friends, my family were all advising that I needed to get out. That I couldn't’t just lock myself away raising Cole, and ignore the possibility of a functional relationship.

It was another Saturday night, Cole was in bed, and through all the heartbreak, loneliness was kicking in… There was wine involved and I trudged into the office to fill out an eHarmony profile with my girlfriend on the phone with me, guiding me along… Several hours and several glasses of wine later I had a complete profile and more matches then I knew what to do with. I simply turned off the computer and went to bed. It was too much...

When you’re a single Mom, dating is an entirely different level of scary. Instead of will he like me? It becomes will he like my son? If it gets serious, will he love my son like his own? Will he like the fact that I have a little boy TOO much, meaning he’s a creepy pedophile… How will I trust anyone or myself ever again?

My situation also makes dating difficult.. You see, I don’t ship Cole away every other weekend to visit his Dad. He’s with me, all the time and my one rule was certain: I would not date in front of my son.

Thus my dating woes began. And wow, dating had changed in the last eight years while I was with Cole's Dad. I learned some valuable lessons:

Make use of your lunch hour: wear something cute to work, and you’re good to go. You also have a reason to cut the date short
If I guy asks you out for coffee you’re not on the “A” list.. you’re on the “maybe” list
If you merit a weeknight date for drinks only…you’re not on the “A” list
If you merit a weeknight date for dinner…you’re on the “B” list
One friend encouraged me to make use of having a babysitter and being dressed up: stack a couple of first meetings on the same night. Happy hour, then work your way to dinner (Save this trick for first meetings only- I learned the hard way)
The no. 1 thing I learned is that if you “click” on the phone, he gets your crazy sense of humor via email, AND asks you out for not drinks but dinner on a Saturday night…there IS potential and you just might have made your way onto the “A” list.

Marketing Boy Revealed

2009-12-11T13:25:00.003-06:00

I haven't been blogging much of late. Life has just been too busy. Things are picking up at work. I had a little minor surgery. Then it was Thanksgiving.. Now the Christmas Season is upon us. Frankly, most of the things happening in my life were deeply personal and while I'll blog about divorce, being a single working mother, my amazing son, family, friends and faith... sometimes I'm hesitant to reveal too much about what's been going on personally, because well, someone once told me when you let other people into your relationships...you let them in to change your perspective.

I have a wonderful, full filling and meaningful relationship with Marketing Boy and there is a very real part of me that doesn't feel the need to let people into it. It's that special.

But there is an amazing story here that I want to document. So I will tell it and take all the advice and comments that will follow for what they are worth. My next series of blog posts will be about Marketing Boy, who going forward will be known as both Marketing Boy and Jay. But mostly Jay.

Stay tuned. I'm working on some blogging goodness. Holla!

Cole's Favorite Song

2009-11-24T14:46:00.005-06:00

So if there is something that I would like to say I instill in my child (besides the obvious) up there in my book would be a love of music.

Music helped me survive a less than ideal adolescence. Red hair is not the ideal. Neither is going through the normal girl stuff of weight gain, acne, puberty, and boobs (or lack there of)... you know the drill we all made it thru somehow... Playing a musical instrument and being in band (yes go ahead and laugh) offered me an escape from teasing.. and not being cool.

Cole and I rarely drive around in a silent car. There is usually music..or my terrible singing, but the kiddo loves to shout " Jesus" which is "Jesus loves me" or "Spider" which is the itzy bitzy spider or "Ducky" which is the bath time song and have me sing whatever he desires on cue.

Thankfully, most of the time it's iTunes. Since I've downloaded Michael Buble's newest album- Cole has claimed "Heartache Tonight" (yes he covers the Eagles) as his song. Click here to listen
for full effect...

"Mommy play my song again!" I can put it on repeat and he bobs his head and we dance, clap, and look like a couple of crazy people. But the best part is... he sings along.. super cuteness.

He sort of looks like a junior Buble with his snazzy hair and attitude right? Cole Porter..Cole Peterson... A Mom can dream...Holla!

A Pretty Perfect Day

2009-10-12T12:53:00.008-05:00

If you are a parent- you probably get that rainy days and Mondays get you down in more than one way. Your kids can't get outside to go play and run off kid energy and just be a kid. Add multiple days of it and suddenly your kid has sprouted horns and is terrorizing your home. Soccer is canceled indefinitely and you find yourself thinking REALLY hard about things you could do to entertain/engage them without plopping them in front of a TV or spending ridiculous amounts of money on going to the movies.

Multiply kid/rain frustration times 3 and marketing boy and I had a recipe for disaster on Saturday- but it so wasn't. Cole and I met marketing boy and his crew at the Dream Cafe for breakfast because all soccer festivities were canceled... it was cold.. the coffee was hot and we conspired about how to keep three kids from going stir crazy.

We took ourselves to the pumpkin patch and acquired three pumpkins suitable for carving. Set up my covered patio and got to work. Pumpkin carving has gotten "hard core" since my childhood days of drawing faces on the pumpkin with a magic marker and my parents trying not to slice off a finger taking the kitchen knife to the pumpkin... it's much more precise and detailed with carving sets and stencils and all kinds of other craziness.

Several hours later... we had three pumpkins carved, and I managed to make my yummy chicken corn chowder which received two votes of kid approval and one vehement disapproval... But it was all good because points were scored with all by making banana pudding as dessert.

When it was dark we lit our pumpkins so Marketing Boy's kids could see them when they left for home. I bathed my kiddo who fell asleep watching Thomas the Tank engine five minutes after his bath... and collapsed myself not too long after. I don't think I even finished my glass of mommy juice- BUT all in all it was a pretty perfect day. We managed to keep three kids corralled, entertained and happy on a day that it could have been impossible to do so.

Check out the pumpkins... Halloween is coming! I love me some Fall... this is my favorite time of year. Holla!

On Turning 3

2009-09-22T12:53:00.000-05:00

My baby is not as much of a baby any more. As I brace myself for what the third year of life with Cole will mean- I also beat myself up for not taking more video or pictures of him... so I'll blog:

There haven't been much of the terrible twos.. people have warned me that 3 is worse. Time will tell.. so as I think about the end of the second year- I'm amazed that children are absolute sponges. They pay attention to everything and miss nothing. Where I could previously proclaim "crap!" and it wouldn't be repeated.. not so much anymore.

Things I love about my Bubba at this point in life: He still gives me big hugs in front of all of his buddies at school...He says "I juve you mama" and loves to snuggle. He can walk, talk and has this amazing little personality. And so I'll never forget- I'll update the current speech pattern for the world:

"mama wht's that?" it's a hybrid of who and what- but he generally wants to know who I'm talking to on the phone
"DDD"- translation "DVD".. and most of our viewing pleasure is Thomas the Train. The theme song haunts me in my sleep
Nok still means snack
"Mama you're happy?" generally occurs when he has displeased me or I am focused on something other than him
"Yay Mama!!" every time I go to the bathroom..he feels the need to be present for it first of all and secondly he feels the need to cheer me on
"Mama!! Jus tuck me in" translation- Mama just tuck me in. He wants me to put all of the blankets over him and then make a little baby burrito and say "snug as a bug in a rug" as I tuck the blankets under him
"CHEEESSEE" he hasn't quite learned how to take a picture
"I can do it by myself" translation- get away from me Mama I can do it
every type of meat is chicken
we're obsessed with peanut butter
"pweez leave the door cwack" translation "please leave my bedroom door cracked" suddenly we're afraid of the dark or being alone- I can't decide which
"Mama- what we gonna do next?" the child likes to be on the go
"Mommy I want to hold you.." (meaning I hold him- but it's super cute)
"Jus stay with me" translation Just stay here with me and snuggle or focus on what I'm showing you.

Things that I find particularly annoying about parenting a three (3) year old are faces like this:

To which we immediately get disciplined for not showing his mother respect.

So far if I had to say anything about this age- it would be comparable to parenting a hybrid. A toddler who is trying oh so hard to be a little boy and it's going by much to quickly. It is definitely an adventure. With 3 I never know from day to day if he'll be clinging to me because he thinks I'm the greatest or ever so slightly pushing me away because he wants to be an independent little boy.

Regardless, he remains the best thing to ever happen to me.. I can no longer imagine life without him and while it looks like I may never have any more children of my own... parenting Cole has changed me and my life miracously. In my pre-child life- I didn't really know that I was capable of unconditional love. I think that's why God gives us the ability to be a parent. I'm blessed to have this amazing little boy to raise into what I hope will be a great man. Happy Birthday Cole!

A Different Kind of Christian

2009-09-16T11:08:00.014-05:00

So I have this friend who has also been through a divorce. There are kids .. and during the drop off the other night- the ex mother in law was watching the kids. She directed the kids to go into the house and came out with her Bible to have a chat. She proceeded to quote scripture about everything my friend had done wrong and how she felt betrayed and so on.

And this woman calls herself a Christian. In her mind, she probably feels that she is a better Christian than you or me and maybe she is. But is this really peace with the Trinity that most Christians long for? Throwing the Bible in someones face and letting them know that you feel their existence is wrong and look we're going to manipulate scripture to paint the picture. Last time I checked- Jesus showed compassion and offered grace.

Sometimes it feels like people use the Bible as a weapon

If we're really Christians is it our place to judge other human beings? I don't think so. We'll all be judged at some point- maybe we should focus a little less on passing judgement on our fellow man and find some peace that there's a higher power that will be our judge and jury. Doesn't the scripture tell us to love one another as He has loved us. Is it really so wrong to get up every day and try to live your life the way you think you should, to pray, to confess, to try to do the right thing, and have your words and actions be reflective of your life as a Christian? When did it become okay to tell someone else how they should manage their walk with Christ?

We all sin. We all get it wrong. We're all just human and hopelessly broken. If you're really a Christian and a disciple in Christ- do you embrace the weary or do you throw your Bible at them and walk away? Why do some people feel entitled to pick and choose who is worthy of God's love?

No wonder so much of the American population is un-churched. It occurs to me, that either her God is different than mine or she's just a different kind of Christian.

Life In the Compound

2009-09-02T10:47:00.004-05:00

I affectionately call my new office building- the compound. I've nicknamed it the compound because they make it nearly impossible for you to leave the damn place. It's a ten minute hike to and from my car- which is good and bad. I'm starting to enjoy my strolls into the office now that the mornings are cooling off.

So when it's impossible to leave- it's a good thing there is a cafeteria on site. There is always coffee and fresh produce. I tend to wander down there daily for a piece of fruit, coffee, or a beverage. I have a favorite cashier. I always say "Hi! How are you?" She always gives me two responses : "Some days are harder than others" or " I'm blessed" She's pretty consistent with it. For the past week it has been "Some days are harder than others" and my response is generally hang in there or I hope things get better for you or something encouraging... But the other day as I was getting my pineapple- She smiled and said "I'm blessed" I put down my wallet, looked at her and said "It's about time you shook off what ever was dragging you down?" She and the cashier sitting next to her looked at me like I'd sprouted wings or something... She couldn't believe I was paying attention.. I assured her I was. This morning when I got my coffee she smiled again and said "I'm blessed.." The sad part is I don't even know her name. I'll make sure and ask her next time..but for weeks I've known I would get one of the two responses. I've said little prayers for her as I was walking back to my desk... "Lord please help her with whatever is weighing on her heart" maybe He listened.

Such is life. We all have things weighing on us living in this day and age. Life is simply hard. But I guess my question is : Do we make it harder by putting all of these burdens and expectations on ourselves? I do. I need to get better about saying "I'm blessed" rather than stressing myself out over the small stuff. Because the truth is, perceptive people pay attention. My toddler asks me frequently when he thinks he or something has displeased me " Mama- You're Happy?" This is generally when it hits me that I need to shake it off and focus on all that is right with my life, instead of what isn't.

Have a great day. Holla!

Do What?

2009-08-28T09:55:00.004-05:00

So I'm walking around the campus of my office this week.. and I really appreciate that my client is so active in the community. They are environmentally conscious and when you're working on warehouse/manufacturing real estate requirements- it makes me sleep a little better at night. All in all, they are a great company that cares about the community, their employees and the value of their product. So as far as clients go- I couldn't really ask for more.

I office on site with Frito Lay in Plano. The campus is nice... and the biggest perk is that we get a free bag of chips every day- even though I try to refrain. So I'm making one of my 10,000+ trips to the restroom every day because I drink a lot of water.. and everywhere in the hallway are these fliers

I think to myself... hmm? We're really going to raise money for the Heart Walk by selling Frito Chili Pie.. Never mind that Fritos (while tasty on occassion) have a boat load of fat, calories, oil, and salt..before we add the chili or the cheese.

We're all going to be heart patients after this... good thing we're raising money. Holla!

We're Just Friends

2009-08-23T12:00:00.002-05:00

I turned on Good Morning America last week and was somewhat shocked that Steve Harvey had joined the crew. His segment on this particular day was addressing "can men and women just be friends?" and his new book: Act like a Lady- Think like a Man. The segment started off by bringing up the classic movie When Harry Met Sally and how Billy Crystal proclaimed early on that men and women can't be friends- because the sex part always gets in the way.

I grabbed my coffee, put my laptop down and settled in to see what would happen on GMA. My girlfriend called me and shouted "are you watching this?" uh huh. I was.

Check it out: http://www.abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=8359557

Basically, Steve Harvey said that when considering outside relationships you have to ask yourself "What good does this relationship bring to your marriage"
I think this is an intriguing point of contention. It has been debated by my closest friends and I. It's been an issue in relationships for a very long time What's appropriate? What's inappropriate? Especially when there is a vast amount of gray area on either side.

I work in a predominately male field. When I travel, I'm usually the only female on the trip. When I'm in meetings it's usually me and the boys. I don't mind it. My brother trained me well. So my rules are generally, if it's a business lunch, drink, or dinner- I sort of have to go- but I think there is absolutely a way to be respectful of your relationship with it. Stay for one or two drinks instead making a night of it. Invite someone else from the office to go with you for lunch. But above all I think it's about communication.. when you fail to disclose the plans- you create doubt.

I had a very good friend that I worked with when I started out in the industry. We were close. He mentored me on how to do a deal. We crossed over to being more than business friends. I only ever thought of him as a friend. We would get lunch a couple of times a week. We would occasionally go for happy hour. When I started dating my now ex husband- he let me know that he'd like to be more than friends.. I was taken a back. I didn't think of it like that? It was then that my good friend educated me-- he said "Ashley- men never take a friendship to the level of ours if they don't want something more." I sort of lost one of my good friends. Sure, even after this we still had the occasional lunch and ran into each other at business happy hours, but it wasn't ever the same. He later married and we didn't see each other for the first several years of his marriage (other than at business functions). But he called me last week, and wants to have lunch.. I politely made sure this was something he'd cleared with his wife (because I know and respect her), and if I go- I'll let my significant other know. He's a business colleague and it is all about networking- but some might consider this crossing the line? (Especially those interviewed on the show)

Regardless, I think the key to maintaining or having relationships with people of the opposite sex is to never act in a way that would cause your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/special friend/person or any of the above to doubt your intentions. If your significant other read that text or email- would they have an issue? Could it be misunderstood? If they knew you had lunch,dinner, or drinks with that person would it make them uncomfortable? If you're seeking out situations that are socially okay to flirt with the opposite sex are you really happy and fulfilled in your own relationship?

What's okay with business friendships or friendships with the opposite sex in general? Can Men and Women just be friends? I think so. Especially if it's friend of your "relationship" meaning you both know and have something in common with the person or they are a couple friend.

OR you could take Steve Harvey's approach and just not do it. I'd love to get your comments! Most of my blog followers have had successful, affair proof marriages- so let me know what you think!

Happy Monday! Holla!!

I should have stayed in bed

2009-08-19T13:41:00.007-05:00

I should have stayed in bed this morning. As the alarm chimed in at a little before 7am I was having a great dream about a home purchase and my plans to make it awesome...then I woke up.

Cole had a couple of crying out bursts last night, and the dogs were restless combine the two and I was up every couple of hours... and when you're someone who needs a good solid 7 hours of sleep- this was mistake no. 1.

Marketing Boy is in LA today pitching some new business so I had Joey plus his dog Dude. I let the pups out this morning.. fed them.. watered them... took my shower..watched some GMA while getting ready for the day. Downed some coffee... all in all a normal morning. The dogs now have a dog run in the back part of my back yard.. I go out through the garage and to the side gate to let them in and out.

Cole and I are in a hurry to get out the door today. I'm trying to meet up with Chris for a Cole exchange and make it to work for a meeting. We go out through the garage- he can now climb into his car seat- the plan was for me to let the dogs out of the yard- let them into the house and buckle Cole in..

Mistake No. 2- Cole and I left the door between the house and the garage open. Picture it.. open garage door.. open door into the house.. open car door where my kid is waiting for me to buckle him in (all within 10 feet of each other ) I trot over the gate to let my puppies out... if you're really picturing it- you should know that I was in a hurry this morning and was walking around without the strap of my sandal/heel buckled.. white button down shirt.. white skirt with flowers on it...

As I open the gate, I unknowingly release two 45 pound mud balls who are suppose to be Australian Shepards...they are excited and greet me by jumping up on me.. knock me down.. I land smack on my *ss.. they manage to give me a muddy puppy greeting and they are making a mad dash into my house...

It's slow motion at this point " NNNNNOOOOO" I yell. I jump up and run in after them.. it's at this point that I cross over to crazy... I'm fairly pissed and start trying to get the dogs to obey.. no such luck. They ran laps through my house-- muddy... it's at this point that I vaguely remember cussing and finally getting them and herding them into their kennels (i'm not proud). Apparently I was really loud because when I went to the open door to collect my kiddo he was sitting in his car seat with his hand over his mouth looking like "who is this crazy woman masquerading as my mom?"

Acting like a crazy person was probably mistake no. 3. I call Chris- she's a saint, and nearby and offers to come collect Cole... there is some relief.

When she got to my house- it was clear that the Tasmanian Devil just destroyed it. I give Cole hugs.. send him on his way.. and then I decide to just sit down with my muddy skirt, my muddy legs, hands and house and cry... I'm seriously contemplating dropping the dogs at the pound on my way to work. It's not necessarily the dogs that made me want to cry.. More like it's just the icing on my two weeks of crappiness as a cake. There's no way for me to get cleaned up, change my clothes and get to work in time for my meeting.. I was looking like a mess... I had muddy dog prints in EVERY room of my house.. and two muddy dogs in kennels staring me down.

It's morning like this that you just have to declare defeat. Sometimes you just need to cry and move on..it's cleansing sometimes.. I wasn't sure what to do first, clean up the house before the muddy dog prints set into my Berber carpet-or scrap it and get my butt to work? Did I mention I only had my carpets cleaned two months ago?

It doesn't really matter what happened next... but I made peace with the dogs before I left, they forgave me and I didn't leave them at the pound or post a ad on Craigslist.. and I have more mess to clean up when I get home..

I'm a lucky girl and I know it.. but here lately I feel like all I do is try to clean up the mess I've made of my life. But like my muddy house, dogs, and self- I'll figure it out. We all have to... right?

The Formative Years

2009-08-06T10:11:00.002-05:00

Of raising children, I often heard, that you have until they are about seven to mold them into the people they will become. If by 7 you haven't established yourself as someone to be respected, trusted and your expectations of them- it's almost too late. I don't know that I completely agree with this, but my kid is only almost three. I'd like to think I have longer than these "formative" years to make an impact- but I guess it's any one's guess.

Here's what I know about Cole: He's a pretty good, well mannered, disciplined kid. Sure, we have our moments, and there are times- but for the most part if I communicate to him what the plan is and my expectations- we're pretty ok.

Discipline is a very child specific thing. Some kids just looking at them wrong causes them much duress. Some children taking away privileges works. Some kids are just so wrapped up in their own wants and needs it feels like you always have to yell at them to get their attention. My brother, for example, was so busy that the only way my mother could get through was to spank him. For me, I wanted to please my parents so much- all they really had to do was tell me I had disappointed them, but I received my fair share of spankings as well...

I absolutely hate to reprimand Cole. I want him to love me and think I'm the greatest thing ever, but here's the honest truth..for any parent. I think discipline is about loving your child enough to teach them the right way to behave, interact, appreciate, respect, and the boundaries. BUT it surely sucks when your dishing it out.

This morning, Cole and I were on the way to work and for me to drop him off. We drove thru my Starbucks for my iced coffee (I found a new Starbucks). Cole already had a granola bar in his hand, and a toasted bagel packed in his bag for breakfast " Mama I want a donit" (not a type o- that's how he says it) "Not today Cole. You have a granola bar and I packed a bagel for you." He looked at me.. with the look. Huffed and said "Fine."

My head nearly spun off my body. Oh no he didn't?!? A teenager this is probably to be expected... but I had this flash back to the obnoxious toddler sitting on the plane behind me on the way to Connecticut last week and how he was totally disrespecting his mother the entire flight. I threw the car in park and turned around to look at him. We had our chat. He cried. I got a "yes ma'am" out of him. Lots of sniffles.

I hadn't even had enough coffee yet.. and I'm already dishing out the discipline??!! It's mornings like these that "I love him enough" becomes my mantra.

Well- there's work to be done. I've only made it through most of my emails and made my to do list for the day. Holla!

The Year

2009-08-06T09:50:00.001-05:00

August 6, 2009

Greetings. I blog. I write. Then I don't post them or forget to or am scatter brained and don't get to it. Sometimes I write as a cleansing process and I think "meh" I don't need to write that and I delete... but it's part of my journey.

Written/Blogged July 1

Over a year ago. I got dressed as I would any other day. I had arrangements for someone to be with Cole and I drove to the courthouse. I was number two on the docket. My friends and family had offered to come with me, but there comes a point where you have to stand on your own, and accept it . At 31, after six years of marriage, I stood before the judge and had to say that my marriage was beyond repair. I had to acknowledge that it had failed, but that the terms of the decree outlined what was fair and in the best interest of our child. The judge stamped it, signed it, and handed the decree back to me.. 60 seconds somehow erased 6 years. I walked it down for it to be filed away and just like that- it was done. I almost forgot that it has been over a year, probably because it was over long before it was final.

Leaving that courthouse I knew that Cole's care would be mine. I knew that a part of me had died. I knew that the guilt would surround me and I knew that I would spend a lot of time praying. I knew that the next year was going to be hard and that it would take the of support from my friends and family for me to get through it. That support started about two hours later when one of my best girlfriends came over to help me re-paint my bedroom..a perfect shade of yellow. I need happy colors around me. Sometimes you need new scenery and a new beginning. My new beginning sort of started that night.

Last summer was hard, but I made it through. By late summer, early fall things were definitely starting to look up. My dark cloud was becoming a lighter shade of gray. I started to realize I could move on.

Grace Eventually
A long time ago, I took a vow before God and everyone who loved me and a year ago when I stood before that judge I essentially said " You know.. I was just kidding about that.." My albeit simplistic interpretation of the Bible is: divorce is wrong. I researched, read and re read every book, chapter and verse that talked about divorce. I didn't really have an approved "out" biblicaly speaking. I struggled with this for a very long time. How could I feel totally embraced spiritually when I was going against His word? I realize I'm human... and on some crazy level I know I will be forgiven for my daily sins.. the small ones..but this to me was fairly huge.

Grace is an amazing gift. I asked for it daily. I offered it up to Will in the way I've dealt with things. And one day I decided to forgive myself and I'm almost there.

Here's what I've learned about prayer.... For the first time in my life I never prayed for what I thought Cole or I needed or wanted. I just prayed for His presence in my life and Cole's. I prayed for guidance and for the right path to be revealed for us. While it has been a struggle of a journey-I feel like it has. A year ago I had lost so much emotionally, spiritually and financially, but now I have so much more than I ever could have imagined. Just a year later.

I'm a big fan of Anne Lamott. One of her books usually resides on my nightstand (in the pile). In her book Grace Eventually she says this: "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine."

Give it a try (not the divorce part, but the prayer part). Sometimes in life you can't possibly fathom what is in store for you.

The Potty Diaries- the final chapter (I promise)

2009-07-27T13:29:00.008-05:00

It's a finish line I wasn't sure I would cross...ever... but we have had several successful weeks with out an accident and every poo landing in the potty (not the bathtub, my leg, or the undies). Success. I think we're there.

Which leads me to the search for the perfect preschool. Wow. Preschool sort of snuck up on me, but Cole is surrounded by adults all day and I know he's missing hanging out with some little people. I know little to nothing about child hood development so it's time. Verbally Cole is a rock star.. fine motor skills are great.. gross motor skills not so much. Social skills? Cole is great with adults.. a little unsure about how to play with kids his own age. It's time for a little something for sir Cole.

I've been fairly responsible for saving for Cole's college. I put a little bit into a 529 account every month... I was unaware I should have started saving for preschool while he was still in the womb as well.

When did it get so complicated? Montessori, NAEYC certification, full day, 1/2 day... curriculum.. AHH.. The ones I like, and are affordable have a waiting list. The ones I can't stand I can afford. What's with this Montessori theory of "they need to be here every day for it to be effective?" Good grief. Who knew?

I just want a little school with a couple mornings a week, close to the office, and close to the Amazing Wahlstedts. I found one that's within the budget. We're on the list. We'll see. I might just need to track down the families in front of us and negotiate. Otherwise, it might just be mother's day out a couple of mornings a week. He won't start kindergarten until he's about to turn 6 because of the September birthday- so I guess I should quit stressing. That's three years of preschool to pay for! But I've used it as material for the potty training and now I'll be a Mommy let down. Oh well... life will go on. Sometimes it's just about doing all you can, but when I hear "Mommy I go to school in the fall?" I feel like a loser with a capital L.

I've consumed my Lean Cuisine. Time for me to prepare for my 2pm conference call. Holla!

The Bumper Sticker

2009-07-14T12:46:00.003-05:00

Twice in the same week I've found myself behind the same car with a crazy bumper sticker. The sticker, in case you were wondering, said:

"I'll keep my money, my guns and my freedom...you can keep the change"

Good grief. Really? I wanted so badly to roll down my window and say "Instead of your guns, money, and freedom can we talk about your carbon footprint in your Excursion?" I refrained.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2009-07-07T11:51:00.006-05:00

I hate to say it. I'm loyal to a fault...but I may have to break up with my favorite baristas at Starbucks. Given the state of the economy and my reduced balance sheet I try to take my java from home on the trek to work- but there are mornings like today that I'm basically a pack mule with a sippy cup, a laptop bag, my handbag, my gym bag, and Cole's "pack pack" which is now weighing close to 20lbs full of choo choos and his gear for the day. Sometimes my travel cup of Coffee gets left all by its lonesome on the counter in all of the chaos.

I drop Cole off and realize I don't have any more coffee and I only managed to choke down a cup at home and let's face it the office coffee usually sucks. I pull into my favorite Starbucks and in front of me is the person who is obviously NOT trying to get to work. She has four stacks of money in front of her with an appropriate color coded "post it" with an order attached to each. She orders a latte pays from one of the stacks of money... counts the change and places it back on the counter. She then proceeds to ask the barista for a small paper sack for each of her color coordinated "post its" and to place the change into. I stand in line for way too long behind this nut bag.

It's after 8 on a Tuesday morning... get outta the way with your bags of change and post its and counting of the change and so on... there's a line forming behind her. People like me who just want their plain jane coffee (on ice) and to be on their way.

So I get it. The barista can't control the customers and I'm not asking them too. What is making me want to break up is that there's four barista's shooting the *hit over to the side looking at this lady like she's a couple of clowns short of a circus and I understand because I'm having the same thought- but people pick your jaw up off the floor and one of you start manning a register so the rest of us can get our coffee, leave you a tip, and be on our way to work.

Mornings like this are becoming the rule and not the exception. Last week the barista was at the same party as the dude two people in front of me and they were just chatting it up over how much fun it was and who all was there. Meanwhile the line is 8 deep of people trying to get to work..looking a little lost without their cup of joe.

Believe me, I think Starbucks is a classy organization. I'm happy to give them my $2+ dollars for my iced coffee in the summertime when I forget my travel cup, but I'm starting to realize I could drive home and get it for the amount of time I spend waiting on my favorite baristas as of late. Heck I might just start Duke's of Hazarding it over the counter and make my own beverage. I could be a barista?

But I'm loyal..so I'll give them a few more trys before I break up and find a new Starbucks. I was a little antzy this morning, but I did manage to refrain from taking out the lady in front of me. Maybe I should consider giving up the caffeine all together? It might be causing anger issues?

Holla!

Take this pull up and shove it

2009-07-02T10:43:00.010-05:00

I would like to take every pull up in my house out in the back yard and light them on fire..I'd throw "Once Upon a Potty" in there too- just for effect.

I know I know I said I was done posting about potty training, but this is going to be such amazing blackmail material for me when Cole is much older and much cooler .
We were doing so well with potty training. Rarely any accidents. There were still some issues with the whole poo thing and I was constantly reassured that this is completely normal for little boys. I've had a few more floaters in the bath tub. Then about two weeks ago Sir Cole just decided "I'm no longer being rewarded for this potty training business- I'm over it.." We're back to accidents and being too lazy or too busy to go to the bathroom.

Meanwhile, I've visited countless preschools and assured them that MY son is potty trained. What a load of crap.

Last night is a busy evening. Grocery store, gym, laundry, making of banana pudding & dinner for Cole... and I know that he needs to take care of some business. Into the bathroom we go. I know what needs to happen. He knows what needs to happen... and then the crying commenced. The kind where the veins pop out of his toddler neck. "Cole you can do this" I assure him... Cole is a smart little toddler. When he realizes the temper tantrum isn't getting him anywhere- he turns on the charm...sniffing..wiping back tears he says "Mommy I want to hold you" and I am a sucker for my little boy.. I pull him off the potty and into my lap. I have taken to sitting on the bathroom floor during this potty cheer leading craziness. "Cole you're a big boy and I know you can do this.. I know you're tummy hurts..let's just finish and then we can watch Thomas and you can have a nok (snack)" He snivels for effect and says " ok mommy" I get him back on the potty and notice a little bit of poo on my leg where he had been sitting.

When will the madness end?

Judgement

2009-06-18T14:50:00.005-05:00

About six weeks ago Cole and I happily trotted out to the mail box.. hoping to find the latest Pottery Barn catalog or my newest Real Simple, but instead, all I found were bills and a jury summons.

"Great." I mumbled. "It's bad Mommy?" Cole asked judging the expression on my face more than the words that came from my mouth. "Bubba..it's not good" I opened it.. and immediately began looking for my out..remembering something about my mother always getting out of it for having small children. It clearly says if you work outside the home and have childcare you can't offer up the excuse.

I happily postponed..then failed to show, but called them and asked to reschedule and finally I was all out of options. Monday was it. Jury duty here I come. Armed with the second book in the Twilight series, comfy but appropriate clothes and my iPhone- I drove myself down to the County Courthouse.

You know the drill. Room of hundreds..everyone stands in line because they think their excuse is better than everyone else's to get out of it.. For two hours this went on. I sat in silence reading my book. Then they started assigning us to cases. I get sent to a courtroom with about 70 others. The process of voir dire began. For hours we sat for the judge to first explain to us how the jury interviewing would take place, and then to be questioned by the DA and the defense attorney. I was on the front row. Perspective juror number 7. All I could think about was getting out of it and as I listened to this room of my "peers" answer questions - I was shocked by some of the responses. I realize I am somewhat of a sheltered, liberal thinker, but the room full of my peers made me glad for my upbringing.

They don't give many details about the evidence or the case. We only knew this: 6 counts of indecency with a child.

When the DA asked if anyone in the room would have issue with handing down judgement, one lady raised her hand and said " I'm a Christian and I believe that we will all be judged one day- I just don't feel that it's my place to do it.. I can't pass judgement on another human being.." I sort of raised one eye brow... having seen this woman spend 10 minutes with the judge in the initial holding room trying to get out of it... I was, if I'm honest, a little skeptical. The DA said "Fair enough" and visibly marked her off the list.

I thought about that woman's statement. For a minute I thought she was totally wrong to say it. Indecency with a child? As a parent or a person, how could you not offer judgement? Then I started thinking about my own beliefs..my own judgement if you will. Why is it that I don't think it's my place to judge on some issues, but on others I have no problem....shouldn't our human ability to "judge" be consistent?

The Defense attorney started doing the questioning at this point. He started picking on me because I'd managed to remain fairly quiet during all of this hoop la. Probably because I will still shocked at this room full of my peers. My rule out question was this: "Ms Peterson could you consider probation for the accused if he was convicted on all six counts?" Maybe it was my answer or maybe it was because I started arguing with the defense counsel about the way he was asking the question, but I was released. I'm glad... I didn't want to hear the particulars of that case, but I could have passed judgement and I can't decide if that's good or bad.

A Song That Haunts Me

2009-06-12T14:42:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things to do when I need to get things accomplished is to put in my head phones, set my iTunes to shuffle and re-discover songs that I might not look for everyday. There is one song, that when it comes on... I sort of stop what I am doing and pause to listen. It haunts me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Vh0ULDdO80&feature=related

iTunes Orignals rocks. Nearly all of my favorite artists have produced an iTunes Originals album where they talk about their motivation for songs.. why they wrote them, their writing process, the ideas, and it seems that most of the time- the creative masterpiece is most difficult for them conjure up. The dedicated song writers, or writers in general treat it like a 9-5 job. They "clock in" if you will and proceed to write..to create.. and sometimes the stars align and greatness is produced. Sometimes they leave their studio with nothing but a load of crap. This always fascinates me. If I'm not experiencing a certain level of peace, or allowed the time to day dream and think- the words escape me. How strange the creative process is for those who are artists? I digress. Basically, when asked about this song, Mr. Gray explained that he was contracted to write the theme song for a movie entitled "This Year's Love" He accepted the job, but had this pressure to write the song with a very specific story in mind. He clocked in and clocked out and This Years Love was written. He found that the process was actually something he enjoyed.. The money from the song actually funded his next album and creative genius got a paycheck. While the movie never actually happened. The song did.. and I'm thankful. Because now it can haunt me on my iPod.

David Gray is probably one of my favorite artists (I have many). Sadly, there were days in the past that I didn't want to go home. Sometimes I would drive around in my car with Cole in the back seat for way to long- letting David Gray console me..allowing me time to think. It is ironic that songs can take on different meanings to you at different stages in your life.

Well...there is work to be done. Have a great weekend. Holla!

Blogging on Hold

2009-06-03T16:59:00.005-05:00

I haven't had much to blog about. Probably because I'm doing good to remember where I'm suppose to be and when and not lose my mind. I'm on hold with the help desk for computer issues so I started typing this because I was gently reminded "Remember when you use to blog?"

If you look at all of the big "stress" things in life, I'm told they are: death, divorce, moving and a new job. I've had two of the four in under a year, with a now almost three year old in tow. I'm going to cut myself a little slack.

Here is what I know about myself and change: I get scatter brained. I have a hard time getting anywhere on time... I get a little emotional... so I'm learning to be a little more patient with myself. While extra curricular small groups, and book clubs and the music lessons I want to take are all fun.. they are all on hold until I get my feet underneath me. Perhaps not the best attitude to take in life, but as of late it has felt more like if I have to "handle" one more thing I'll scream.

I wish I could say my new job was all that I hoped it would be. Most days I still leave the office thinking (irrationally) "what have I done?" Ask me about sharing a cube later. I have an amazing pic to give you some idea:

(Please note: I agreed to the above working situation because I was told it was temporary and I felt it was the best way to get up to speed and help the client...now I'm over it)

After some thought, the rational side of my brain reminds me it is change... and change takes time. It has only been 45 days.. hang in there Ashley. Progress is being made every day and I no longer have to deal with the most miserable man of client any longer... or make his copies. So these are all perks. I will most likely get shipped to CBRE offices which will be good and bad. Good because the picture above will no longer be my existence 8+ hours a day and I'll get to meet new people and work at the corporate offices instead of on-site with the client. Bad because the commute will be longer and it will mean more time away from Cole.. and more change.

I have to say I'm getting pretty good at it. Change is inevitable really. It is the only constant in life so I figure if the worst that happens is I get scatter brained, have writers block, and cry occasionally over my work situation I'm doing okay?

Tech support has decided that I've held long enough (20 min) Have to get this wrapped up and get my car dropped off for service. Maybe I'll get a really cool loaner. Holla!

Victory and Defeat

2009-05-14T12:55:00.004-05:00

There are times in life that you get to declare victory and when you do, I find it best to immediately celebrate them.

Yesterday was a great day. I'm finally starting to simmer down on the work front and settle into a groove. A little bit anyway. I'm still most upset about having to give up Diet Dr. Pepper.. I've almost resolved to start smuggling them in- but have been forewarned that anything but a Pepsi product puts you in the same category as a crack head.. so I guess I have a decision to make.. crack head and be a happier camper with a Diet Dr. Pepper.. or brand loyalty?

Moving on, I go to pick up Cole and "Cortey" (as Cole calls her) informed me that Cole finally poo'd in the potty. (Please note this will be my LAST poo post).

I proudly cheered Cole on and told him how proud I was of him and "woo hoo'" let's go buy a new choo choo and the super duper train track I'd promised (shamefully) if he would just poo in the potty. We were off to Target. I applauded him all the way to the store. We got there and Cole took off running through the aisles " I went poo poo in the potty!!!" he chanted as he ran through the store and just this once I allowed him to be the crazy kid with no manners. I had promised after all. I was running to keep up, but it was awesome to celebrate this victory with my little man. We made it to the Thomas the Train aisle and picked out a new choo choo and I picked up the super duper track I'd shown him the pictures of online. Cole even proclaimed to the checkout girl that "I get to buy new train because I went POO POO in the potty..." as he handed her salty the choo choo.

We made it home and he wouldn't hear of dinner until I'd assembled the new track which I was sure I needed a degree in engineering to do, but I figured it out and Cole was one happy camper. It even got me a "I juve you Mommy" and that still melts my heart. We finished dinner and playtime and then it's usually bath time and bedtime. Cole usually gets to enjoy a lavender bath kicked back in the over sized tub in my bathroom where from the bathtub he can see the TV in my bedroom. I usually put the then favorite movie on for him. So he's enjoying his bath/ play/ movie time, and I putting fresh sheets on my bed (before you report me to CPS my bed is 5 ft from the bathtub in the master bath and I can see him while I'm completing the chore).. I finish up and go to give Cole the final scrub down before he gets out of the bath... it was then that I noticed it... A floater in the bathtub.

Hence the title of this blog. We had a victory in potty training today.. but I think a floater in the bathtub definitely equals defeat. Such is parenthood. High and lows. Nastiness and sweetness.. " I juve you Mommys" and floaters.

Well, I've enjoyed my lunch in the courtyard. Listened to the waterfall. Typed this blog, and I drank my required Pepsi product. Time to wander back to my desk and get back to it. Holla!!

Well Okay

2009-05-11T12:47:00.005-05:00

So Saturday morning I'm enjoying a peaceful morning at home before Cole and I head to my brother's for Mother's Day festivities...The decision was to celebrate on Saturday rather than Sunday because of work schedules. There seem to be very few mornings Cole and I get a quiet morning at home. I especially love that my child slept until 9am, as did I, and if you know me- you know that sleep does wonders for my mood.. So when I realized I'd gotten a full 9 hours of sleep I nearly danced the jig.

I made coffee, let Joey out, and started making sir Cole's breakfast. I started thinking about Mother's Day and the weekend and stuff. I was determined not to let the weekend bring me down. You see, Sunday would have been my 7 year anniversary. While it's really crazy that I still recognize this.. it's a reminder for me that I couldn't make it work and a little bit of sadness. It's also fairly tough being a mom on your own, realizing that your kiddo is 2 and it's Mother's Day and well you know what I mean.

So I reflected. Allowed myself a moment to feel what I was feeling. I remembered last Mother's Day and my family gathered around me at my dining room table having lunch. Chris and Rachel were recently engaged and we were talking about their wedding and the plans.. and I was so happy for them. Meanwhile, I was in the middle of a divorce and there was sadness and me trying not cry. But even with all of that Mom and Dad gave me the greatest gift. A rose bush. My Dad came armed with a shovel and planted it for me. This little rose bush. I went outside Saturday to take a picture of it for this post because it has had the most beautiful blooms on it and has been amazing this spring.. but with all of the storms we've had..my blooms were on hiatus.

So I thought to myself "well okay" and I continued mentally writing this blog in my head. It has been nice to watch my roses prosper and thrive. As lame as it sounds, my roses are a reminder to me of where I've been and where I'm going. When I move, I'll have to find a way to take them with me. I'm very protective of them and I've never been more upset with my new puppy then when she took to trying to dig up my roses. Bad dog! I had a peaceful Mother's Day and a great time at my big bro's house. He and Rachel have truly made a home and it's great.

There you have it. It's spring and if you find yourself at a cross road in your life.. let me encourage you to plant something. Something that will renew itself every year. It will be an amazing experience next year when you can reflect and acknowledge just how far you've come.

I need to go seek out caffeine. The coffee wore off a while ago. Holla!

I don't know what to call it

2009-05-06T22:15:00.005-05:00

When I was four I took my first tap lesson. I thought it was awesome. Shuffle- ball-change. Though a tom boy, I still thought the shoes that made noise when I shuffled my feet were fairly amazing. Next it was more tap. Then jazz. A couple of ballet lessons. A brief stint with soccer and then I discovered baton twirling. It stuck. I was a "twirler" for about four years. Thank God they taught me to juggle the damn things. It's a life skill that paid off.

It has been a crazy few weeks. I left my last job on April 18th. I was glad to leave if I'm honest. My client didn't speak to me my last two weeks. Good thing I was stocked up on the Mommy Juice. I started my new job on April 20th. Flew to Atlanta on the 21st. Flew back to Dallas on the 22nd. Left for Boston on the 23rd. Back in Dallas on the 26th and back in the office on the 27th. All of this while trying to juggle childcare and not lose my mind or worry myself sick. What's a girl to say? Your new boss calls and tells you you are going to Atlanta for training. Next thing you know they've booked your flights.. and I'm thinking CRAP I didn't exactly volunteer being a single mom to a 2yr old in the interview. So I started juggling.

If I'm honest I'm in a little bit of culture shock about my new gig. I knew they needed help and I felt equal to the task... I've just found it slightly crazy that a Fortune 50 company manages their portfolio of nearly 2,000 properties in the way that they do. There's a better way.. I'm just having to pick my jaw up off the floor to figure out why they do it their way. I have to find the PC way to suggest another alternative...if that's even what you call it. So I figure I'll keep my head down. Do it their way for a while, earn some trust, settle in, and then do what I guess I'm being paid to do: make it better. The good news is when I figure it out I'll look like a superstar. Maybe they'll get me some super cool tap shoes. I will say my new clients are awesome. They genuinely want me there. It's a great feeling.

I left my first day from the office crying. All I kept thinking was "what have I done?" Then I reminded myself of the reasons why I left my old job and the fact that the new one is like the wild west.. anything can happen. It's a little exciting. Even though I've had the "what have I done" thought on more the one occasion over the past few weeks..here's what I know: I prayed about this decision. I prayed that if it was God's will it would happen. Here I am. I'm still going to trust that there's a reason. It may lead to something good or it may be something bad... but generally in life I've started to trust that I usually land on my feet because I can juggle and I can pray.

Holla! I'm a big nerd. The house is clean. I've blogged. Now I have to go find out who got voted off on Idol.

The Potty Diaries Weeks 2 & Beyond

2009-05-05T12:50:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since my last post.. It's okay if you have a RSS feed and you've missed my random blogs... you can admit it. Or you could be thinking "Thank God Ashley has gone radio silent" I've had a lot to process and I'm not ready to post about all of those thoughts and/or feelings yet so I'll write about my favorite subject: Cole. While I try not to have all of my posts be about Cole and go on and on about him because that's annoying...we're potty training people. It's a big fricken deal.

I have to give Cole kudos. By the end of week two he'd pretty much gotten this peeing in the potty thing down. He was even telling me when he needed to go and if he didn't then I could recognize the sign: Dancing around, grabbing himself, and looking for an escape route. At the end of week two I proudly drove him to Target where we added two new trains to the collection: Duke and Duncan. Good times. I felt like we were on our way.

During week two I gladly rinsed out the nasty training pants because...well, Cole wasn't ready to make the grand deposit if you know what I mean. It's just gross, but I'm his Mom and this is part of the process. But as I'm rinsing the nasty drawers with my rubber gloves on, I'm thinking teaching him to drive will be a cakewalk compared to this. Heck some annoying, possessive little teenage girl might even be welcomed over this chore.

It's week 4 and Cole has yet to poop in the potty. I've tried everything. I've made him feel like it was gross and disgusting... I've bribed him by logging on to the web and showing him all of the Thomas the Train crap I'd buy if he'd just poop in the potty. I've danced. I've sang. I've spent lots of time sitting on the bathroom floor cheering him on and to no avail. Sunday I caved when I knew he needed to go and just put him on the potty, handed him a book and his favorite Thomas the Train paper where we check off each new engine that gets added to the collection and let him sit a while. It works for big boys..why not a 2 year old... and nothing.

I was talking to my Dad last night (aka Papa) and he was telling me that the 4 year old next door still wasn't pooping in the potty. One of my friend's nieces (also 4) will go get a pull up and request that it be put on when she needs to go... REALLY? I'll have a 4 year old that won't take care of business where he should? Grrrr...

There has to be an easier way? Trust me I don't like posting about poo any more than the next person..but what's it going to take? Someone help me please.

I'm dieting.. so I can't even turn to Mommy Juice for comfort...

A Feel Good

2009-04-15T16:53:00.002-05:00

I received the link to this video a couple of days ago... now it's made it all over the news. But when I watched the video I was moved. Check it out:

http://perezhilton.com/tv/index.php?ptvid=89e03ffa2a814

At first I thought maybe she was lip sinking the song. It's a great song from the musical Les Miserables which is one of my all time favorites. What I love is everyone was just waiting to mock her and as a viewer I think, on some level, I was waiting to see if it was going to be a train wreck. Instead it gave me chills. I always love a good underdog story. Enjoy!

The Potty Diaries

2009-04-10T13:10:00.007-05:00

Week One

When you are a parent, you know there will be a few parental events that you will not relish. In my mind they were/are: The first date, the moving out, the sex talk, keeping him off drugs and involved in the right activities, and keeping him exposed to the right types of people without being a control freak, and finally no. 6 in my mind was potty training. I guess because it's a little gross and to me, on some level, it means my baby is no longer a baby.

I've been contemplating this potty training stuff for a while now. I bought Cole some big boy pants. Thomas the Train of course. I started looking for the signs.. i.e heading to the corner to poop, knowing when his diaper needs to be changed.. and so on.

Finally, being a first time Mommy I thought: There has to be a video about this? So I logged on to Amazon and two days later Once Upon a Potty landed on my doorstep. Good grief. Save your money. Kids today have super animated movies... Dreamworks and Pixar ..the bar has been set pretty high. I plugged this Once Upon a Potty DVD in and sat down with Cole to watch it. He couldn't have been less excited. I was deflated. This DVD was certainly dug up from Mr. Rogers toy chest circa 1980. So I reverted to reading the ole faithful "Plop" book to Cole before nap time (right after Duck on a Bike). Amazon can I get my $ back on Once Upon a Potty? Still, I was hesitant to pull the trigger. Literally.

Cole's other Mommy,Miss Chris aka "the pro," finally just told me when we were going to potty train. It was the push I needed. It has been an interesting week. Texts from Chris "Cole did pp in the potty at Sprouts" where he proclaimed " I did yellow Ms. Chris." On Wednesday Cole proclaimed "I no make a mess on Mommy's floor!" Then there was Wednesday night which was the clincher. I guess in my mind when I potty trained, Cole would stand up on a little stool and still pee standing up, but there's this potty seat craziness involved. For me, getting Cole to potty involves me sitting down on the floor in front of him in the bathroom while he's on the throne. There I sing stupid songs. Instead of Twinkle Twinkle lil star..it's Tinkle Tinkle.. then there's the poop song.. which is my version of the Salt n Pepa's Schoop song.. substitute poop for schoop and it's an instant toddler hit. It's greatness. So it's Wednesday. I'm singing tinkle tinkle like a moron and Cole decides to grab his man friend mid stream and suddenly in the middle of tinkle tinkle I'm dodging a yellow stream. It was awesome. Wish my reflexes were quicker. All in a day's work I suppose. Cole thought it was hilarious of course. "Mommy! I pp'd you!"

There it is. Week 1 of the potty diaries. I will say Thursday was a no accident day. Only one pair of Thomas the Train undies to wash. This morning it was a dry pull up and a pee pee in the potty. I promised to buy a new choo choo when I got off work.. and I'm sure at some point this weekend I'll have a date night with Cole. Who's not such a baby anymore? I'm working to get him registered for preschool in the fall. I can't believe it.

Happy Easter! I'm bailing in a little while to go buy Cole a red Radio Flyer tricycle from the Easter Bunny. Holla!!

Resignation

2009-04-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

So Monday I handed in my resignation. I have been with the same company for ten (10) years. They hired me when I graduated from college. I was fortunate to be placed on a great team and had amazing people show me the ropes and teach me how to do a commercial real estate deal. No matter how seasoned I become.. I still call on these team members who have all long sense dispersed and ask for insight. The thing I love about my job is no matter how many deals I've done...there's no such thing as an easy real estate deal. Every transaction is different. Unique. Crazy crap happens along the way. If it were easy, companies wouldn't need me and the team of people that it takes to get it done. More than anything, I think what I do has helped me to always be thinking ahead. What could the next hurdle possibly be between me and the finish line? Maybe that's why the magic 8 ball resides on my desk.

A Sense of Pride
I think as a newbie starting out in the commercial real estate industry, there was a very strong sense of pride in working for the Company of which I was a part. The Staubach Company. I happily hung the company constitution in my cubby and went to work. As the name of the company would imply.. its founder was a class act. He was about doing the right thing and doing so with integrity. Pretty easy to feel pride in that. I remember being in awe when he'd wander the halls just to chat with the folks at the company. But businesses evolve and last year there was a merger and while it has been a positive thing...there comes a point where I think you realize that you can't grow anymore and it's time to move on. Perhaps in Senior management's eyes I'll always be the twenty something college grad.

Comfort in What You Know
There is a comfort in what you know. A comfort that comes when you know what to expect. I've had that comfort for quite a while. I've been happy to stay put and coast. Fear makes you do a lot of things. Fear can make you stagnant. Taking a big career leap can lead to a couple of things: I'll either succeed or I'll fail, but I guess that's up to me and I'm not very good at failure.

I weighed the options. I labored over the decision (because that's what I do) and felt like a great opportunity landed in my lap. All I did was post a resume. They called me and the rest is history. I'm excited. I'm excited about a new opportunity to prove myself and to blaze a new trail. The task before me is huge..but in the end I could lead a team of people and show some other newbie the ropes I suppose. Maybe they will still call me ten years later for pointers... who knows.

Even with this excitement, there is some sadness. My professional relationship has outlasted most of my personal ones. It has been the one steady. The one constant in a life of change. I'm thankful for that, but on another level I feel like I owe it to the organization to leave because there are days that it is difficult for me to give it my all. I don't like working when I'm no longer going above and beyond in everything I do.

There you have it. I get to stay on two more weeks before I start my new gig. I'm pleased because I'll get to leave on my terms. I'll leave my deals in good standing because once I'm gone I want my last two weeks of work product to reflect what I've consistently delivered over the last ten years.

In ten years I've done nearly 200 Real Estate deals. I met some of my very best friends at this company, worked with some of the best in the industry, and all in all it has been an amazing journey. Now it's time for a new adventure. Holla!!

Genius!

2009-04-03T12:49:00.007-05:00

I will add the disclaimer at the beginning of this post: I'll be bragging on my amazing little boy. Choose not to read if you must... but he's a genius. Really he is...I'm not partial or biased or anything- I'm just his Mom.

So last week I pick Cole up from the Amazing Wahlstedt's and tell him that we need to go to Sprouts. Some folks tell me I live in the equivalent of Oklahoma living as far north as I do. Regardless, I guess we're not sophisticated enough for Whole Foods..so we get Sprouts. A Farmer's Market sort of grocer concept. Hearing that Sprouts is on the agenda Cole proclaims "Pouts Mommy?" I confirm that Pouts is the destination and he continues " MOMMY! I go to Pouts and get a nok!" I agree to Pouts and the nok and Cole was stoked... I load him up in the car and he proceeds to give me turn by turn instructions to Pouts. I realize he probably frequents Pouts with not only me, but Dabid and Kiss as well, but nonetheless, as he gives me the turn by turn instructions to Pouts complete with pointing and proclaiming "Mommy this way!" I'm thinking I should up my monthly contribution to the college fund.. I'm thinking ivy league here people (OK not really, but it did consume about 10 seconds of thought for me).

When we pull into the Pouts parking lot.. Cole lets me know that he doesn't need a buggy and he can walk.. "Mommy I don't need buggy.. I walk" I indulge him for a moment..we run to the door as we always do because I can't get him to hold my hand for too terribly long in the parking lot.... I wipe down the buggy with the provided antibacterial wipes- catch my child and load him up.. he then begins to point in the general direction of the noks (aka the packaged candy) and lets me know which one he wants on this particular trip. Salt water taffy it is. As I unwrap one piece and he shoves it into his chipmunk cheek.. he smiles, hugs me and says "Mommy I got a nok at Pouts!" While there was also a spit spray from him talking with a hunk of taffy in his cheek I think to myself: life is good and my kid isn't directionally challenged. Things are definitely looking up.

This Morning
This may come as a surprise, but I have days that I'm not a ray of sunshine. I'm going on nearly a week of Cole being up several times in a night after his surgery. I don't know if it's bad dreams or what. I feel sort of like I'm doing a zombie shuffle. Last night I feel asleep at 10pm watching TV- woke up to Cole screaming at 11:15.. you get the picture. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. I'm running late this morning. Joey pulls a mud wrestler trick.. I'm trying to get ready for work.... Cole decides to wake up. He's chipper and in a good mood, but wants to play with choo choos. I say okay, but direct " you can only play a few minutes..we need to go." I put his back pack with all of this choo choos on his train table for easy toddler access... and resume getting our bags together, sippy cups filled and the car loaded. Five minutes go by.. I'm making the final rounds and I tell Cole to put all of his choo choos back in his bag.. we're leaving in two minutes. I make sure all the doors are locked, dog secure, and stop by the train table that resides in the living room to collect his back pack and trains...Cole is standing there with all of his trains in his bag.. he even put a diaper in the back pack..I look at him and I'm shocked. He smiles and says "Ready Mommy!" Once again I'm thinking my kid is a genius. I say " Cole you're so smart..you're all ready to go! I love you so much!!" He looks pleased and heads to the garage to get in the car.

Maybe it's all the avocados and salmon I ate when I was pregnant? Or maybe not. I'm sure every mother thinks her child is the smartest. But really? Directions and packing up a backpack at 2 1/2? Granted he also tries to see how far up his nose he can stick his finger and thinks farting in the bath tub is fun (bubbles mommy!) but I'm thinking there's a little bit of genius roaming around in there too? I guess we'll see as we're going to tackle potty training next week. Good times. We're going with just Thomas the Train undies and clothes. Should be interesting.

Back to work. I've called the cable company, consumed my lean cuisine and Diet Dr. Pepper. It's almost the weekend. Woo hoo! Holla!

Life is Fragile

2009-03-28T21:04:00.010-05:00

Sometimes it is odd what you remember of your childhood. Whenever I went to see my Grandsam there were always certain constants about her home. As soon as I could read I think I remember reading one of the pictures on her wall and it said "Life is Fragile- Handle with Prayer" I asked her what that meant and I still remember her response. She said "Sugar babe it means that life is hard and we need to rely on God" It's the five year old answer I realize..I guess there are so many different ways to look at that saying. But it was always there and as I grew up the meaning changed for me from time to time.

I don't think any of us pause very often to think about the fragility of life. We don't often pause to think how our entire set of circumstances can be changed in an instant. There are days and sometimes weeks that, in reflection, can show this to you.

I picked Cole up last Wednesday afternoon and Chris informed me that one of the single Moms that our church had adopted for Christmas had fallen on even harder times.. with the help of the congregation she was able to help this struggling Mom out. There are days that I feel very unfortunate. It all seems so hard..but the truth is I'm blessed. I have the means to provide for my family.. but when you pause to reflect how quickly that comfort could be taken from you in today's world- it's very humbling to realize I could be the single mom who's fallen on hard times. None of us are immune from the perils of life.. sometimes all there is left to do is pray. Life is Fragile.

Last Friday- Cole had surgery. Fairly minor surgery to take care of testicular issue, but nerve racking for a mom all the same. I found myself a little frustrated at the arrogance of the surgeon. To him it was just another case...to me it was my whole world he was operating on. Cole was a trooper and a great little patient, but I found myself humbled that all it would take is a mistake or two from a surgeon.. Really.. if you think about it.. that's all it could take. Life is Fragile.

It's on these days, that you realize just how human you are... Fortunately, after realizing just how human you are...you get supported by people who love you. Thanks to my friends and family who kept Cole and I fed, sent choo choo cookie bouquets and just kept us company.

I've been on a little bit of a writing hiatus. Frankly, I just haven't had much to say. The creative juices haven't been flowing. BUT my circumstances are about to change and I'm excited... and it will be a new adventure... and I need one. Stay tuned. Holla!

We're Going Streaking Thru the Quad

2009-03-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

I love that scene in Old School. I laugh every time. Boys are just silly. At any age they can still revert to children. My boy is no different I suppose. One of Cole's favorite things to do is run through the house naked. Sometimes I snap a pic or two just for blackmail material when he brings his first girl home... I have to be stealthy about it though... I have to snap the pic and still continue to chase him. It's a difficult maneuver. I stumbled on to this one and just laughed out loud. I thought of Will Farrell in Old School and it's been a rough few weeks for me- so I thought it was good for a laugh. I needed to laugh today.

More on Joey

2009-03-12T10:02:00.009-05:00

Look at this face? Doesn't she look sweet and innocent... Aww Joey.

So I sprung Joey from doggie boot camp a couple of weeks ago. I think it did a lot for her. You might be reading this thinking I've lost my ever loving mind sending my dog to doggie boot camp- but here's my thought process: This is the dog I want Cole to grow up with. I want her to heel, sit, stay, have some manners and be a long term member of the family. It's a process. Joey is doing much better though she's not exactly where I want her to be with her personality- but she's evolving. She wasn't socialized as a puppy. Her fate was to be sold to be bred for her coloring, which is unique, so my coming along was a good thing. Joey won't be expected to have several litters of pups. She'll get to live the cush life at my house. Eventually, she'll get super excited when Cole and I come home- but I think she's still thinking about it for now.

My trainer Dylan at Man's Best Friend say's this about my Joey: Joey knows she's a dog. She likes being a dog. She has to figure out her place in the pack.

Joey has figured a few things out... she likes playing in the back yard. She likes digging little holes for herself and running in circles around the pear tree. She likes to go on runs with me- but gets a little stressed if there are too many cars passing us on the street. She loves the taste of books: To date she's devoured about four. The most recent being Twilight.. which I was most upset about because I hadn't finished it, but thanks to marketing boy a new one showed up on my doorstep a couple of days later. Joey also enjoys shoes and my slippers. Most recently given up in the war was my favorite pair of sock monkey slippers. Which brings me to my favorite aspect of Joey.. Joey the mud wrestler.

My two dogs prior to Joey..were Sophie the Westie who was quite the princess and Tobie the mutt- forever my ex's faithful companion. Neither Sophie or Tobie would go outside if it was raining. To get them to go potty I would generally have to put them on their leashes, get my umbrella, walk outside with them.. and with Sophie I had to go as far as holding the umbrella over her while the squatted.. otherwise she'd look at me like I'd lost my mind. Joey is fine with the rain. She runs right out there and thru the mud to take care of her business. I think she had a mud wrestling contest with her imaginary friend last night.. because she showed back up at my back door looking like she was ready to come in after a successful victory. It's the craziest thing I've ever seen. She happily stands there when I towel her off and wipe her paws.. like she's proud of being gross. She promptly came inside assumed her belly up sleeping position and went to sleep while I cleaned up the latest Joey mess.

Joey's favorite play mate is Dude. Dude is Marketing Boy's dog and Joey is never happier than when he is around. She lays down right beside him and licks his ears. It's really kind of gross- but she just loves Dude. She loves to be in the backyard playing with him... and then I get two, dirty, gross, albeit happy dogs.. and of course they expect to come inside looking all "tow up" too. And I cringe. I cringe at the fact I just cleaned up the house or vacuumed or swept and these two mutts expect to be let inside looking like doggie grooming salon escapees. But they are awfully cute- so I usually open the door.

With Spring, the rain, and the current state of my backyard..mud wrestler Joey will probably be here a while. So I made a small purchase to calm my nerves because I'm a proactive problem solver. I found a good deal on Hoover Floor Mate.. so I bit the bullet (thank you Craigs List). When my mud wrestler trotted in last night after her towel off and still left muddy paw prints I cleaned it up in about two minutes. IT ROCKS! I highly recommend it. It's like Prozac for a neat freak. Joey the mud wrestler has been slow to show her personality- but we're getting there...

Spring Cleaning

2009-03-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

It's Spring... or at least it felt like it until I woke up this morning to cold rain. What a dreary day...

So if Spring has sprung-I guess it sort of explains my current contemplative thoughts. I feel like I should be cleaning things up. Cleaning up the mess that the last year left behind. For so long, I was doing good to get up, put one foot in front of the other, and remember ot breath in and out. What a difference a year makes. Now I feel like it is Spring, we're through the first part of the year, Easter is coming.. then Summer.. I feel like I need to get ready. To get my crap together. To open the doors to the closets I've been piling a years worth of crap in.

There feels like there is so much chaos and uncertainty right now. My car is acting crazy again *sigh* but I don't really want to committ to another one right now. My back yard looks like a sand pit from Joey and company running around in it. I have a closet full of baby stuff, maternity clothes, and clothes that no longer fit screaming for me to get rid of them but I just can't seem to find the time. My gate is currently being propped up by my recycling bin and I'm afraid if I actually wheel my recycling bin down my driveway to put it out for collection that my fence will fall over... then my dog will escape..my kid will be distraught and I'll have lyrics to a really bad country song.

But here is what really needs to get cleaned up. Cole has seen his Dad a lot more than usual in the last month. He's been waking up asking " I wanna see Daddy" and I don't know how to respond. When I pick him up in the afternoon it's "I wanna see Daddy" and again I don't know what to say. My canned response is "I'm sure you'll see Daddy soon.." and I hope it to be true. There is a part of me that wants to say "W-H-A-T?" It's been Cole & I pretty much from day one.. I've been the one to nurse every illness, to take him to every doctor's appointment, to dress him, to bath him, to plan for his future, and to care for him every day. " I wanna see Daddy" can cut you to the core when this has been your existence. I want to reason with my two year old " What about Mommy?" but that's not rational. I think it's great that Cole is starting to relate to his Dad..but what do you say when you're not exactly sure when he'll see him again? I've swallowed my pride and just started asking if he'd like to take Cole for a little while. It's a lot of work to clean up your own attitude I'm realizing.

It's much easier for me to focus on the things that are falling down around me than to realize I need some cleaning up in my thought process too.. I need to focus on the mess I'll be cleaning up in the future if I don't do everything possible for Cole to spend time with his Dad. So I'm trying to do some Spring Cleaning..starting with me. Maybe next week I'll actually have the courage to put the really full recyling bin out for pick up.

I didn't give it up

2009-03-05T14:37:00.013-06:00

So I didn't give up blogging for lent.. I've just been (as my dad would say) busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest...Butter my butt and call me a biscuit it's been a crazy week and a half.

Lucky for me no one I work with knows I blog.. so I can say this. I've been grilled, interrogated, poked and prodded..otherwise known as a job interview. Several for one particular gig in the last week. To me, job interviews are a lot like sitting in a small room with a light in your eyes with people asking you ridiculous questions. There's always a PC way to answer and as I type this blog I'm wondering: Did I answer correctly? Did I act overly interested? Desperate? Not interested enough? Did I look young and stupid? Was my resume okay? My suit? Did I have something in my teeth even though I checked twenty times before I went in to the interview? The best part of this meeting today: I got to size up the competition. Not exactly the way it should be - but I made the short list. It's me and two other candidates.. and we were all being paraded around in front of the client like a big dog and pony show. My question is this: Was I the dog or the pony? I tried to stare the competition down and look all intimidating.. hopefully it worked.

Here's where I'm at. If you know my story- you know that I started with a great real estate firm right out of college. My real estate professor liked that I showed up to class everyday dressed for work and sort of took me under his wing. I guess he liked that I was having to work my way through. He helped me land my first job. He said "get your foot in the door." Getting your foot in the door with a great company is key.. so I did. I started out making next to nothing and worked my way up. Now there is a brick wall (or very mean man depending on your perspective) and I keep running into the damn thing.

In May, I will celebrate 10 years with my company. It's been a good ten years for the most part..but sadly, I'm learning, in today's world loyalty doesn't always have the great return that we think it should have. I've struggled with this. I like being loyal. I like thinking that if I ride out the bad and lean times that there will be an upside and I've found that it just doesn't work that way in the corporate arena. It certainly doesn't work that way now that the boutique firm I started out with has merged with a larger firm that reports to wall street and investors. It changes the dynamics quite a bit.

Update

When I started this blog.. I was one of three. Now I'm it. An offer letter is forthcoming. They have been calling my references. So we'll see. At this point- I've prayed about it. God will take care of me. I threw a fairly big number at them and if they deliver -I'll go. If they don't then I'll keep plodding on along-doing what I do..waiting for the next opportunity. Regardless, with the time change, and all of the craziness last week I'm feeling fairly drained. Life always seems so uncertain.

Progress

2009-02-25T22:36:00.001-06:00

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten season. It is customary to give up something for the season of Lent to be reminded of the sacrifice that was made for us. My pastor suggested that I should think about giving up blogging..while I marinate on that sacrifice and decide if that's something I should do..this could be my last blog for a while... or not. I could just give up mommy juice. Coffee isn't an option if we're thinking about the well being of those who love me...so there you have it.

I've found myself reflecting a little this week. I vowed not to look back on 2008 in my first blog of 2009.. but this is me we're talking about.

Cole spent the day and night with his Dad this past weekend. A first sleepover since the split. I talked about it all week so he'd be excited. I kept telling him that Saturday he was going to spend the night with his Daddy and Tobie and it would be so much fun. Meanwhile I had a ball of fear wallowing around in my stomach. It truly made me a nervous wreck to think about it. Luckily, Saturday I had plans to shop and have lunch with the girl friends and Saturday night I had plans to take Marketing Boy to dinner for his birthday.. all good distractions. I called to check on him before bed and he seemed happy enough... So I made it through the night without too much fear or worry.

I've always joked about divorce ettiquette. I've tried so hard not to speak badly about Cole's Dad. Because honestly, we had some good years... In my heart I know Will is a good guy, it was just clear that we didn't want the same things for Cole or for the family. We weren't on the same page. It's sad and tragic, but we were never truly partners. However, without those years I wouldn't have Cole and I'll always be glad that Will and I had Cole.

As I reflect over the past year..it was about this time last year that I knew it was over. The decision was made.. steps were taken. The past year has been hard because Will has been so very angry with me and he let me know it.. It felt like every chance he got. I am proud to say that I never waivered. I didn't indulge in the verbal assaults (at least to him- girlfriends, friends and family don't count right?).. I vowed to take the high road and trust me there were times when all I wanted to do was go postal. To just lay it all out there and lash into him for all of the hurt..for all the years of indifference.. ..but I refrained. He had to work through it at his own pace as well.

The past few times Will and I have talked.. I would say it's been pleasant. It doesn't feel like he's angry at me anymore. We coordinate the details and are cordial. He seems happier and I'm relieved. I think he finally realizes that it was for the best. He's moved on and he seems content in his new relationship. I wanted that for him. I prayed for it for him, so I'm thankful.

After the Daddy sleepover this weekend.. we were missing a binky. I texted Will to see if he had it. He replied that he did and told me what a great job I was doing with Cole. There were times that I never thought we'd get here..but that's what I call progress.

The Present

2009-02-24T10:22:00.009-06:00

So this morning was a little dramatic. Cole fell down and hit his head pretty hard. Maybe it's because he was trying to get out the door in a pair of Mommy's heels and his Converse? You're probably reading this thinking.." Umm Ashley- why were you letting Cole walk around in your heels?" I was trying to get to work people. I had Cole to drop off and kids to drive to school. Ever gotten ready for work with a two year old holding up every possible product, make up brush, or tweezer and asking "Mommy what's this?" Or turning the hair dryer off and on repeatedly? It can get a little overwhelming. So I figured if he wanted to walk around in heels and it would give me a minute to find mine- we were going to roll with it. He did great in the house-- it was when we were trying to load up the car that it became a challenge. I even said "Cole let's take Mommy's shoes off and then BAM! He fell and I mean hard. Then it was on. The mega meltdown. The crying. The shaking. The kicking. The squealing.. the looking at me like "Mommy why did you let me walk around in your heels?" And I realized I probably shouldn't have done that. I felt fairly horrible. I couldn't get him calmed down. He was clinging to me like he was drowning. In my head I was chanting "bad mommy bad mommy." Five minutes later the melt down subsided. Cole moved past it and we were on to just sniveling and sniffing and wiping tears from our face. We both needed to change our clothes at this point. The drama of it all. Being 2 is hard work.

Back in the house we went. I got him changed first. Then went looking for something suitable for me to wear to work. It was about that time Cole came toddling in my closet.. "Mommy!! Here you goes..present..." I thought it was really sweet until I realized what I'd just taken out of his hand was a booger. Gross.

Why I Do It

2009-02-17T14:13:00.006-06:00

Why do any of us do what we do? How did we find our professions, our passions, our interests or the people who have leading roles in our lives?

It is interesting when you think of the twists and turns that life throws your way. While the spot you are in right now may not make a lot of sense- there will come a moment when you realize that there is a reason. The faithful know that on the walk with God- it isn't a straight path. There will be times that test you and you'll find yourself walking alone. Times that you walk in the shade, sipping Mommy Juice with a tribe of people cheering you on. Times that you can just enjoy the journey and know you have no idea what's in store..you're just on the right path. It's all these emotions that have led me to enjoy running.

I don't always enjoy the run. Sometimes my body aches all the way to my soul and I feel alone and ask myself why the heck am I doing any of this? Sometimes when I run I look around me at trees, other people, my surroundings or the people running with me and realize I'm exactly where I should be. Sometimes when I run I do it out of anger at my situation or what I feel are my physical weaknesses...but no matter what, it always presents a challenge for me.

If you have ever run, you know there is a point for every runner where you reach a sort of runner's high and you're on autopilot. Your breathing is steady and if your legs are trained you could run for what seems like forever. This generally happens for me between miles three & four and for about six miles my body is on cruise control. Then mile 10 hits and it all goes to hell.

I found this past weekend at the end of mile 10 on my 1/2 marathon trek that it became a battle of my mind over my body. My body was tired. My knee done. My sense of self depleted and this big hill staring me down. I even stopped at the bottom of the hill and said "you gotta be frickin kidding me.." (that's the PG version if I'm honest). But it was mile ten..only three more to go..up the hill I went.

If someone had told me several years ago that at 31 I'd be divorced, and raising my little boy on my own. I would have laughed. If someone had told me that I would finish a 1/2 marathon as a single, working mother, I would have laughed as well...but I did it and running makes me feel strong. Like I can do anything.

My life might currently feel like I'm constantly at mile 10 staring at a big hill with only three miles to go, and all of these obstacles. But I finished this race and I did it for all the times I've been told I couldn't in life and allowed myself to believe it. For all those negative comments I spent years listening to, the negative people who were toxic in my life... I ran up the hill so I knew I could. I finished a 1/2 marathon so my little boy knows his Mom is tough and even when I wanted to- I didn't quit.

I didn't finish in record time. I just finished and did so running (as opposed to crawling)... that was my only objective. I felt fairly confident that I would cry when I crossed the finish line- but I was too tired. That came later. So while to many people running might that far might seem like insanity- it's part of my journey at the moment and I'll probably run another 1/2 marathon. Next time I'll worry about my times and getting good at finishing.

But in this moment.. where I can barely walk..I'm basking in the glow of realizing it's amazing what you can do when you put your mind to things. It's amazing where the journey might lead you and sometimes when you take a leap of faith you find yourself crossing a finish line you never imagined.

Thanks to the Wahtlstedt's and Nana/Papa for watching Cole so I could do this...I'm lucky to have such amazing people supporting me on the journey.

Advil is in my future. Holla!

Just Do It

2009-02-13T11:00:00.002-06:00

I think Nike spun some genius when they launched their Just Do It add campaign in 1988. I found it hard to believe that the slogan was 20+ years old.

Several months ago I was in my local sporting goods store needing some running stuff and found a shirt that said "Lazy Sucks..Just Do it" I laughed and bought it almost instantly. It was on sale after all. Now it has become my lucky running shirt. I'll put it on Sunday morning to run my 1st ever 1/2 marathon. As an update my Dad told me just the other day I can do anything I set my mind to...Thanks Daddy. I knew he was just giving me a hard time.

I've prepared. I did my short runs this week. I've rested like the training schedules tell you to. I downloaded some new songs for my running play list and broke in some new Asics. It's all I can do. But I've found myself fairly crabby all week leading up to this half marathon craziness... why I wonder?

The lesson in my Mom's group this week was on Identity.. and even as a Mom you should maintain a sense of self and it's important for your kids to see your passion in life. I'll blog more on this after I finish on Sunday.. but I've found myself thinking about this.

That's all I've got for now. Holla.

Tribes

2009-02-11T11:22:00.012-06:00

If you're a marketing/business/leadership guru, you've probably heard of Seth Godin. A peculiar looking little man, but the dude is smart. Tribes is this non intimidating looking little book that is really rather good. It was no. 1 on the list as I've set a personal goal to finish ten books this year. But I found it difficult to read because sadly it shows me that I've Mommy tracked my career and lost a passion for what I do. Somewhere in the mix, I've become a corporate drone. I read this quote and my penciled note in the margin says "this is me"

"I think these people are becoming ever better at following, but never learning to lead. They're following instructions, following directions, following the pack, and honing their skills-but hiding. Hiding from the fear of leading..."

So I read on. Mr Godin talks about the importance of a Tribe. A Tribe is simply put: a group of people with a common interest. "Tribes are about faith-about belief in an idea or in a community.." But the important, key component, of a Tribe is the leader. If you think about all of the Tribes you are involved in be it your church, your team at work, your book club, your blog circles.. chances are there is a leader. Chances are the leader is compelling and people want to follow that person because if we're honest, we all want to be led...it's much more difficult to actually do the leading or is it? In fact, as Mr Godin points out, Leadership isn't difficult, we've all just been trained to avoid it.

I think about the leaders that I respect. I often think, it is a natural born desire to lead, but I've come to understand that it's really more about passion. Passion about the belief or the idea in the community and the willingness to not accept the status quo. With that unwillingness to settle and passion about the idea, comes the decision to lead. Some examples: I think about the company I work for where a real estate broker wanted to look out for the tenant rather than the landlord in commercial real estate and thus he started the first real estate firm where ONLY tenants were represented and such representation would be done so without conflict of interest and with integrity. I think about the church that I go to and my pastor's passion to embrace the community as a whole and not just the people who call themselves Christians. It makes me think of Marketing Boy starting his own company out of a passion to really want to do the right thing for his clients and suddenly the concept of Tribes becomes much more real.

Not that Far Gone
So maybe I'm a corporate drone. Maybe I've lost some work passion...but it occurred to me last night that maybe I'm not that far gone. One of the things that has agitated me and frustrated me about being a working Mother is that all of the play groups and activities for Mom's and kids are conveniently at 10am in the middle of the week. I was frustrated. For two years I looked for a Tribe for Cole and I. To no avail. What the heck? Working mommies don't need a Tribe too? Good grief. We're the spaziest of them all. So when one of the other working Mommies in the church said "let's start a MOPS@ group for working mothers" I volunteered to help.

I found myself leading the group last night..my passion a little lost in being tired and having a crazy day at work..but as soon as I started the lesson and started engaging the Tribe- my passion showed back up. I remembered why I went looking for a Tribe and now I had an opportunity to lead and I didn't completely suck. I'm just really good at avoiding it.

One of my favorite summations in Mr. Godin's book is this: "People don't believe what you tell them. They rarely believe what you show them. The often believe what their friends tell them. They always believe what they tell themselves. What leaders do: they give people stories they can tell themselves. Stories about the future and about change..."

There you have it. We all just need stories about the future and about change. We can all lead and make an impact. The question is more : Will you choose to do it?

I'm feeling fairly spastic

2009-02-09T15:50:00.008-06:00

Yes, I'm feeling fairly spastic. I'm taking a break from presentation preparation overload at the office. I've been chained to the desk/puter most of the day. I feel fried.

It's just been a crazy sort of couple of weeks. I've sent the Joey dog to Man's best Friend which is the equivalent of Doggy Boot Camp. I just can't get this dog to come out of her shell. She's afraid of her own shadow, and I'm so glad I rescued her from being bred. Even though she's shy, scared, and never acts particularly happy to see me- I can't give up on her and I miss her. We're all broken. Joey too. I sympathesize because she's lacking self confidence- something that hits fairly close to home. People don't give up on me-so I'll do what I have to with Joey.

I've been fighting off a cold and knee problems all coming dangerously close to my big 1/2 marathon next Sunday. It has messed with my training schedule- but I hauled myself to the after hours clinic of my dr's office yesterday- told the doctor my woes and that I would be running next Sunday so please pass the drugs. She made me take a flu test which was horribly violating. This obnoxiously long q-tip shoved up your nose. I'm fairly confident she scrapped out some brian cells as well. I needed those. The flu test was negative so that meant I could have a steroid shot if I wanted one. I usually opt for ANYTHING that doesn't involve a needle- but I thought about all those miles I'd run, the race and dropped my drawers and got a shot in the right cheek. Awesome.

I made the mistake of asking Cole's Dad if he wanted to keep him while I was out of town next weekend. I don't know why I'm surprised... and I would have worried about him, but he's the Dad. He should share in the care and my role as a mother to promote a father son relationship anyway I can. So I asked..prepared myself for the answer and shouldn't be surprised that he had plans. Clearly this blog post won't ever be shared with Cole. There's really only one person who's missing out, but it breaks my heart all the same. I'll never understand it. Sometimes I just need to feel it rather than internalizing it.

So really this race next Sunday will be about overcoming aversity for me. Overcoming not really having a lot of successful long runs. Overcoming my knees and the pseudo cold. Overcoming not really having anyone to help with Cole (other than the amazing Wahlstedt's) and getting out there and doing it. It's really all any of us can do.

One of my dearest friends is wading her way through heartache right now. It hurts my heart to watch her feel it. I know of several amazing ladies having to deal with elderly parents and what the role reversal of becoming the parent rather than the child does to your sense of self. I hear of people losing their jobs in hard economic times, or not being able to move on and drowning in bitterness. What a complicated world we live in. No wonder I feel spastic. We all do.

All we can do sometimes is remember to breath in and out. Pray. Seek out friends and family to comfort us and face adversity the only way we can. One breath, one step, one day at a time.

Or if you're into self pain- have some shove an obnoxiously long q-tip up your nose. That will snap you out of it. Back to the presentation for me. Holla!

A Fashion Makeover Please

2009-02-05T13:22:00.015-06:00

If you have followed my journey over the last year- you know I've been sort of busy. Busy focusing on alot of emotional garbage, trying to raise my son on my own, and working. Now that the dust has cleared and I have a little clarity- it's become painfully obvious that I've taken care of Cole, the house, the emotions, and my physical self-but I haven't had time to focus on the fact that I've lost all the baby weight & then some and none of my clothes fit and I have dozens of suitable black outfits for a funeral. Literally I am swimming in a sea of black... brown and gray are in there too.

Shopping for me consists of the following: I buy all my clothes from the same 2-3 stores because I know what size I am and I don't have to try anything on. I even shop on line. Shopping with a two year old crawling under the fitting room doors or sticking his finger in my belly button isn't that appealing to me. If it's black I buy it. My friends and people who love me make fun of my jeans..my wardrobe.. I'm in a rut. I know it. I just haven't had the time or resources to do anything about it and it's been dragging me down lately. I finally feel good about myself and the closet is a sea of depression for me. I walk in and know I'm putting one the same uniform day in and day out. Slacks, heels and a top for work... or jeans, a t-shirt, and converse on the weekend (mama's dressed for speed). All of it's black. *sigh* How did I get here? You know it's bad when you actually put on a skirt for work and the guys you work with notice and even say "Ashley I didn't know you had legs.."

I was putting away my laundry the other night and just started crying looking at my closet. It's as if I feel like a new person- and the clothes represent the old me..the old life where no one really noticed me so it didn't matter what I put on.

I decided to do something about it. Tuesday during lunch was my first adventure... and Wednesday night I went shopping for non mom jeans. Some that actually fit me. I picked Cole up that afternoon and told him that I needed him to go shopping with me... that Mommy was going to do something for her. I just accepted that Cole would crawl under the door and situated myself in a fitting room with no one next me. I made friends with the sales girl and entered the room with about 10 pairs of jeans. She kept throwing jeans over the door.. by the time I left- I'd tried 60 pairs of jeans on. I'd made friends with the entire sales team..as had Cole. I'd never asked so many people in one sitting how my butt looked? I was sweating from trying on all these crazy jeans and never knew that there was so many different pairs of jeans that could make a mom butt look good. I bought two pair. One pair is being hemmed at the store and the others are in the car. I'll seek committee approval when I see the girlfriends this weekend. I think they will be proud...

It's the first step. When I get my bonus in a few weeks-instead of saving every little bit of it- I'll allocate some funds to shop. You're talking to the girl that had Cole's college fund set up when he was still in the womb... so I won't feel guilty about it. I work hard and I should do my part to stimulate the economy right?

I'm tired of looking like a tired Mommy because the truth of it is- I'm freaking exhausted- but in the best possible way. Cole's at such a fun age, I am seeing someone who's really great, I have a decent job that I'll hopefully be able to weather these crappy economic times with, I have amazing friends, a schitzy dog, and all in all life is finally looking up. So I think it's time the clothes reflected it.

Holla!

Thoughts on Being Mommy

2009-02-01T17:45:00.001-06:00

The great thing about the crappy weather last week and Cole being extremely overdue for his 2yr vaccinations is I had an excuse to spend some time with Bubba. Yes- I affectionately call Cole -Bubba. Spend any amount of time with him and you'll see that it fits.

Most girls dream about weddings and perfect houses and perfect husbands and all that crap- but for me I wanted to be a Mom. And I am. Being a single, working mother challenges me daily in ways I never thought possible. I am nearly certain that my head can spin around while still attached to my body when Cole is being particularly demanding, but I never get more agitated than when work infringes on my time with Cole or at home...

There are times that I wish I could have just a guilt free moment to myself that didn't occur at 12am when I stay up too late catching up on TiVo. Honestly, there are days that I just tell God "I can't handle one more thing.." and I get a little angry at my situation. The reality is He never gives us more than we can handle and that's generally when Cole will come around the corner with a bag of cookies and say "Mommy I want this nok.." or "No Mommy I don't" or shout "M O M M Y" even though I've only stepped into the next room. Then there's "Mommy I watch Monkey George" and he starts his galloping/dancing routine when the music comes on...My favorite is still when I say "I love you Cole" and he says "I juve you Mommy" and buries his head for a hug. That's what makes my world go round.

I think having kids teaches us to be less selfish. To love unconditionally. To realize you're stronger and can do more than you ever thought imaginable if it means providing for or taking care of your child. I think about how much I love Cole and then reflect on the fact that God loves me infinitely more and I find a little peace.

I find myself a little nervous. I'm going to have to take Cole to see a pediatric urologist and surgery is in our future. My little man seems so little to have surgery. Any surgery has a risk and I'm worried. He's my baby and I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to him. If only these Doctors knew the grilling they had in store. I can be particularly obnoxious when it comes to Cole. Shocking I know.

So one day when I pick and choose blog posts where I don't curse or complain and that pertain to Cole for his Baby Memoires. Here's one for the book. Cole I'll never say being your Mom was easy- but I've loved it and it has changed me in ways I never thought possible. So we'll take you to a couple of pediatric specialists and pick the best of the bunch. We'll handle this too.

Roots

2009-01-28T20:02:00.004-06:00

And she's back. Literally. I've been on a one week driving tour of Louisiana and parts of Texas I never care to see again. All part of the merger of which my client is a part of. Odd to find yourself evaluating a real estate portfolio where the sales and/or real estate model is completely different than your own- but I've found myself in po dunk no where too many times to count this past week. Clearly their model of real estate is "build it and they will come" and it seems to work. These little stores are busy. They are friendly and people, I think, come to chat with the employees more than they come to conduct business. I think an upgrade in cell phone or service plan happens while talking about last weeks football game. Whatever. Clearly it works.

Not so nowhere

About an hour south of Wichita Falls is a little town called Graham. Population about 12,250. When this little town showed up on the portfolio list I volunteered to go. My reasons were personal. At the corner of East and Second Street you'll find two small houses. One is rock and the other is a small white frame house with yellow shutters. My fondest childhood memories were made here.. in Graham, Texas. My great grandfather was a carpenter..he built the small rock house and raised his three daughters there, my grandmother being the youngest. When she married, she and my grandfather built the small white house with the help of the family. All in all my grandmother lived some 84 years at the corner of East and Second street in the small town of Graham, Texas. My family took pride in their homes. The yards always immaculate, the paint fresh, and the shrubs pruned. My great aunt Ina (yes I said Ina) still mowed her own yard and pulled weeds by hand well into her 80s. Her proudest moments were quite possibly getting yard of the month multiple times. My grandmother who we affectionately called Grandsam always said she painted her shutters yellow because it was a happy color. Maybe that's why yellow remains my favorite color today.

These houses were not castles. They weren't filled with the finest of things, but they were always tidy and the doors were always open to whoever wanted to come for a visit. My Grandsam would tell me that she never wanted a big fancy house- she didn't want to clean it. The older I get- the more I can relate. But her mantra was always "I want my house to be neat and tidy, warm and for people to feel welcome here." I think she succeeded. The family sold these two houses back in 2004 when my Grandsam could no longer care for them. She moved to Florida to live with my Aunt and Uncle and spend some time where it was warm. Moving her from her little house on Second Street was impossibly sad. My roots had been up-rooted.

Texan

I'm a 3rd generation Native Texan. In this transient world we live in that just doesn't happen much anymore. My Grandsam was pretty proud of the Texas roots too. She always said of people in Texas "Ashley they're just friendlier" I could go on and on about my Grandsam. That's probably another post. But in 2005 she became ill. By the end of 2005 we moved her back to Texas.. She said she wanted to die in Texas. She brought in 2006 in a nursing home near my parents house. I would visit her often and we would talk about life and the impression she had made on mine. I'd tell her how much I loved her and on January 16, 2006 I was getting ready for work when my mom called to tell me that my Grandsam had died. I was going to see her that afternoon to tell her I was pregnant with Cole. I hadn't been back to Graham since we buried her in the family plot in the Graham cemetery. I think that's why January is always such a hard month for me. A new year in front of me and the reminder of her death and a period of time spent missing her and wishing she were still here. I wonder what she would think of the decisions I've made and what she'd have to say about my Cole. I've missed her guidance and her input and the fact that she never called me Ash.. I was always Ashley or Sugarbabe.

Pulling up to the houses that were still present at the corner of East and Second Street was particularly difficult for me. I cried. Gone were the small quaint homes I remember from my childhood.. gone was the sand box I use to play in and the porch swing I would sit in. Instead were two poorly kept houses with a Winnebago parked in the yard. The new residents had painted the yellow shutters gray and the sight itself was equally as gray. They had ripped the rock off the back of my great grandparent's house and left it in the yard. I didn't stay long. I guess there's just a difference between a house and a home.

I'm blocking that image from my mind. I'll choose instead to remember sitting on the back steps with my Grandsam and my Great Aunt Ina tending to the yard in a dress, sneakers and her bonnet. I'll freeze these images in my mind. Remembering them as homes and more importantly remembering the people who cared for them.

That's all I've got for now. It's time for a bath, some coco and last DVD of Season Three of the Gilmore Girls. I am Lorelai. Holla!!

Chew on This

2009-01-14T12:35:00.014-06:00

Sometimes you just need to chew. I find myself reminding Cole frequently to chew his food rather than swallowing whole. I've been chewing a lot on noks myself. I find when I run more- I'm hungrier and therefore want to chew on things. Now comes the debate for me..fruit or cookie? I wish I could say fruit always won out. Doh!

Apparently Josephine aka Joey needed to chew on some things too. I wish we were talking kibble or the bones I leave strategically placed throughout the house. I had my 1st MOPS meeting last night. So I hurried after work to pick up a light snack & some bottled water for the group, and to run home and let the Joey dog out and to feed her. I debated and decided to let her have a little freedom and baby gated off the majority of my house. She had access to the kitchen, the living room , and my room. She'd passed the test with an hour of alone time in the past...so I figured we'd try a little longer tonight.

Cole and I pulled into the garage at a little after 9pm. I put him in his PJs and he all but crawled in his crib himself...It was then that I went looking for Joey. I found her in her kennel in my room looking at the mess she'd created like "whatcha gonna do about it?" I guess she decided to do a little light reading

That would be two of my books chewed up and all over her bed and the floor. Isn't it greatness? They were two really old books that I still pull out occasionally and they were in the basket of books, and magazines by my reading chair... I've had these two old, worn looking paperbacks a very long time. Gone forever are Power Astrology and an all time favorite How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Good thing I can add them to my cart on Amazon-but they won't be the tattered and worn reminders that that these copies were for me... A very sad day. I guess Joey isn't a fan of the self help book.

The Best Compliment Ever

2009-01-10T10:30:00.001-06:00

I was on the receiving end of the best compliment ever last week. It really came out of no where, but when it was said it was possibly the nicest thing that had been said to me all week.

Just about every Wednesday during my lunch hour- if you were to stalk me- you'd see me walk out to my car and drive to see counselor Sherri. I like to think of her as my life coach. Many people don't talk openly about seeking counseling, but as I've previously stated I'm not a person with secrets and I've learned that it's truly the strong people who seek out ways to grow personally. Counselor Sherri helps me do that. I have no qualms about blogging about my efforts or admitting openly that I seek counsel. Give me half the chance and I'll give you a referral to Sherri.

Here's what I love about my sessions. She calls me on my crap. She has expectations of me. We laugh. Often I cry, but I leave there with a purpose of things I need to do, perceptions I need to change or emotions I need to accept. If there is one thing I have learned it's that when it comes to things relational- sometimes you just can't change it.

So this past week, it had been a few weeks since I'd seen Sherri because of the Holidays. We had some catching up to do. I updated her and she commented on my general "blah" state. Clearly I wasn't what she calls my spunky self. I just said "January makes me feel blah. The year is out in front of me and I'm still a little tired from last year."

It was then that Sherri made me talk about 2008 & all that I'd accomplished Here's where the best compliment came in: She said " It takes an extremely strong person to do what you did last year. Many people wouldn't have the courage...and the common denominator for all things great you accomplished last year was you."

I don't generally look at things like that. Maybe you don't either. So I wanted to post about it. To encourage you (if you're reading my random blog) to think about all the great things or happenings in your life over the past year and to recognize that you're the common denominator too. I wanted to pass an awesome compliment on to you.

The Power Song

2009-01-09T10:04:00.006-06:00

Everyone should have one. One of the coolest Christmas gifts I received this year was the Nike + iPod (good job marketing boy) Let me explain: If you're really cool you buy the Nike running shoes that are equipped with a pocket for this little sensor thing that communicates with your iPod and records your workouts. Since I'm not a fan of the Nike shoe and an Asics girl you can also buy a little pouch to strap on to your shoes and it does the same thing. I must admit my first few runs with Nike + iPod totally pissed me off. I calibrated the damn thing. I followed the directions, but there's nothing quite as frustrating as running 5 miles and having your workout being recorded as 1.5 miles in 50 minutes and now my stats on the Nike Plus site show my average as 15 minute mile. I received some advice that my pouch thing for my sensor wasn't strapped down tight enough and the sensor needed to be facing up..so I re calibrated on a 1 mile run and poof! I have Nike + iPod greatness.

Here's what I love: I pop the little Nike + gizmo into my iPod, scroll through and tell it how far or how long I want to run..it let's me pick the play lists that I want to listen to while I'm running I hit start and I'm off. During my run, a pleasant sounding voice tells me when I've run a mile and what my pace is... as you near the end of your run it starts counting down the end in meters... and at the very end Lance Armstrong comes on to tell me that I've completed my run and good job. There's another chick too that informs you if you set a new personal best in your pace.

Sometimes I need a little reinforcement during a run so my only suggestion to Apple & Nike would be to have drill Sargent voices saying things like " My grandmother runs faster than you..." or "You're slowing down you wuss- pick up the pace.." or "You suck..run faster" or perhaps "if you hurry up and finish there's some bread pudding waiting for you" would be greatness too. After all is said and done I can sync my iPod and upload my workout to the NikePlus website and track my progress.

The best feature of this little get up is the Power Song. I can hold down the center button of my iPod and my power song plays. The power song being the song that gets you moving. A song that makes you bob your head, shake your booty & run faster. Mine is "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" by KT Tunstall. I was somewhat disappointed in America when I learned that the no. 1 power song is "Eye of the Tiger" ugh... We're so not original any more. But how awesome is it to press a little button during your run and instantly hear that song that makes you pick up the pace? Life should have a power song.

You'll Never Finish

So on my life list I have down that I want to run a marathon. Reality has set in- and I am learning that's not really a realistic goal. I'm an almost 32 year old mother. These hips have given birth and I'm just not that svelte. BUT I have signed up to run the Austin Half Marathon on February 15, 2009. That's 13 miles if you were wondering. I'm a little stressed, but I have a training schedule and my lazy butt hasn't missed a run this week.

I know me and the more people I commit to, by telling them I'm running it- the more apt I'll be to finish. So there you have it.

I told my family over the break. My awesome new sister in law had my back, my mother had my back...my brother and my dad.. not so much. My Dad said "No..you'll never finish.." This, of course, instantly got me good and fighting mad. This could just be my Dad knowing that if you tell me I can't do something- I'll be more determined to do it..or it could be my Dad acknowledging that I'm not in the physical shape to do it. Regardless, the challenge has been made.

As I reflect on my childhood and remember my Dad always encouraging us to be competitors, athletes, and yelling at/coaching us from sidelines of soccer fields, I'm reminded of a particular soccer game where I got pegged in the face with the ball and landed flat on my back in the middle of the soccer field. My Dad trotted out to the center of the field where I was, of course, crying and certain that my nose had been broken. I was expecting an "it'll be okay Ash" He helped me up, walked me to the bench and gave me about two minutes before he informed me I'd better shake it off and finish the game. You might be reading this thinking "that's harsh" and it might have been, but these are the moments where our parents help us define our character.

Hopefully, I'll finish 13 miles. I do, after all, have the greatness of the power song.

The 1st Post

2009-01-06T11:36:00.004-06:00

This is the 1st post of 2009. I'm so excited to be writing it-- because well- I've got nothing to ramble about. A first I realize. I can always ramble..but I guess I find myself looking out onto 2009 and sort of cocking my head to the side and saying "hmm?" I get this way this time of the year nearly every year. But something is a little different about this year I suppose. I don't feel that there's any huge internal conflict to resolve or write about. I'm not preparing myself to trudge through another year, but rather I'm hopefully optimistic. I have my list of things that I want to accomplish in 2009 and of course the unspoken things in my heart that I don't share with anyone but the Big Guy Himself. It all seems "do" able and manageable. I suppose like most of America I'm concerned about the economy and my job. I worry about my kiddo and the things that need to be fixed around the house and finding the money to fix them, but for the most part I'm in a "hmm" state of mind. I'm ready to shake it off.

The Holidays are over and I've packed away all the decorations. I've received the credit card bill and I stayed within my budget and will gladly send my Christmas payoff into Mastercard. I'm ready to clean out my closets and the garage and maybe that will help clear the crazy cob webs in my mind. While it seems a little dusty in there- I know this: I am hopeful that 2009 will be good to me. I feel sort of like I've been through battle and I'm experiencing the calm before the storm. I don't fear the storm- I feel like it will be an amazing experience.

I'm going to make myself a promise for this year: I won't look back on 2008. It is over. It is done. I felt it and lived it and I can't do anything about it now.

On that note: I do have a random thought. Does Facebook ever make you feel like a stalker? I mean you can download it onto your mobile device and see what your friends are doing at any given moment so long as they update their status...Over the holiday I found lots of my old high school friends and connected with them, but could see recent pics of them before ever really even chatting with them in email.. and so I found myself wondering..Am I a stalker? Is Facebook legalized stalking? Craziness. Now I know several of you marketing guru people will tell me that it's social media.. and a tool for sharing and discussing information among people.. but are we sharing or are we just nosy? I know we tell ourselves that we're so busy that a web based application helps us feel connected.. but I miss connecting over coffee, lunch or drinks and Facebook makes me feel like a loser sometimes.

Facebook loserness aside. I'm hopeful about 2009 and thanks to a fellow blogger Random Cathy My theme for 2009 is Hope. Holla! My flavored cardboard otherwise known as Lean Cuisine has been consumed and I have some work to do.

Signing Off on 2008

2008-12-24T09:16:00.000-06:00

Much like my boss signs off on my expense report (which usually includes a cup of Starbucks as breakfast) I am signing off on 2008. In my industry- we're pretty much done with our year by the middle of December and the Holidays are a good time to take a much needed break. I've had to stumble into the office for a little while, but for the most part, I am signing off until the New Year. I'll be spending most of my time frantically getting Christmas presents bought, wrapped and enjoying time at home with Cole & Joey. I'll also spend some much needed time with God reflecting on this crazy year. There are also a stack of books screaming to be read.

I have to say I'm glad that 2008 is soon to be in my rear view mirror. Hopefully, I won't look back. In case you are just now tuning in, I began 2008 knowing I was headed for a divorce and the road this year has been a rocky one. My amazing Dad, who was married before he and my mother married some 37 years ago, told me that my divorce would probably be the hardest thing I ever did. As usual, he was right. While my theme for 2008 might have been Bitter Party of One..2009 will be a much more positive.

So to summarize in 2008. I sad goodbye to Will. I got over bitter. I got mad and totally channeled that energy into some pretty cool home improvements and weight loss. I've navigated the beginning of the terrible 2's, and single working mommy world. Survived another merger/acquisition on the professional front. Completed 14 new retail stores for my client and signed on all of my 2009 deals. I've made some amazing new friends, met a marketing boy, and let some really cool people into mine and Cole's life. I said goodbye to Tobie. I adopted Joey. I saw my big brother get married. I supported friends through their journey. I started running. I started Blogging. I started accepting help from people. I grew as a person and in my Faith. I cried a lot but, all in all I laughed much more.

I started this Blog as an outlet for the random thoughts in my crazy head. It's been therapeutic for me. A very real documentary of my journey. I have to thank all of you who read and comment. Some of them publicly on the blog, but I get many emails of encouragement that are much more private. I've been amazed at the notes I've received from people I've never met who have been where I'm at or are contemplating it and thank me for just putting it out there. I'm not a woman with many secrets. If I have a thought- you'll generally know what I'm thinking so blogging has been really natural for me. I think my favorite notes have been : "no pressure but keep the blog posts coming.."

I brought in 2008 fearful and alone with a case of strep throat, a bottle of champagne, and a lot of Wii ( I think I made the pro level that night in Tennis) Two NyQuil capsules later I woke up to 2008 and in addition to strep throat I had pink eye so my eyes were swollen shut. It took me a couple of days to get them open again, but they have been wide open all year long. I finally saw that I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for. I saw that though I didn't feel worthy of it, God never left me this year. He showed me the way and brought really amazing people into my life who have helped & supported me. The past months & my ex's actions have shown me that I absolutely made the right decision in walking away from my marriage. I felt more alone in that relationship than I have ever felt out of it. I hope he feels less alone too.

So if 2008 was a year of bitterness and fear. I'm vowing to make 2009 a year of Hope and New Beginnings. I am hopeful that Cole will continue to thrive, that I'll find the next step in my career path, and that I'll continue on my meandering soul journey. I'm also hopeful that I'll run a 1/2 marathon, finally take a guitar lesson, channel some of my writing energy into actually starting the book that's in my head, continue to build on the new relationships that have been brought to me this year, travel more, worry less, and be okay with not always being okay.

I have no idea what's in store for me. I only know that Cole and I made it through this year and I feel like my little man and I can make it through anything. We have a pretty amazing supporting cast & now have a new sidekick in Joey to join us on the roller coaster that is our life. I didn't get around to Christmas Cards this year (shocking I know) so I hope this post finds you and yours at Peace and that you have a moment to think about the true meaning of Christmas and to be thankful for all that 2008 showed us and hopeful that 2009 will rock!

New Addition

2008-12-17T09:56:00.016-06:00

Big news everyone. Really big news... There's a little one involved..Just kidding...pick your jaw up off the floor...No worries on the baby front.

I've adopted a companion for Cole & I. She is so sweet and clearly has good genes on her side. She has freckles like me, some red coloring (which is always a good thing) and she's really smart. She's been a little shy and slow to warm up- but baby steps are being made everyday.

I have so named her.. Josephine Drury Peterson. But we'll call her Joey. She already has her own theme song.. "Joey" by the infamous Concrete Blondes. So when she's upset me I can bust out in song with "Joey...baby..you're driving me crazy.." it's awesome.

After I adopted Joey (who is an Australian Shepard if you're wondering) I told my Dad and his response was " I knew you wouldn't go too long without a dog.." He was right. I'm a sucker for the dog. I think I lasted about a month.. and really wasn't planning on getting a dog so quickly, but she was everything I was looking for. I had narrowed it down to three breeds really: Golden Retriever, Australian Shepard, & Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I wanted an older puppy,close to a year in age, because I knew I didn't have time for the itty bitty puppy craziness. Cole and I had tagged along with a friend to visit a breeder and I was instantly taken with Joey who they were calling Tapp. She was extremely concerned about Cole. She just watched him... she'd slowly start to make her way toward him and then back off. I'd done quite a bit of research on Aussies and knew that the females often began being the keepers of small children. I loved her temperament, her coloring, and it felt right. The breeder explained that another lady was interested and had submitted some samples of Joey's DNA for testing because she had plans to breed Joey. Someone else was 1st in line for my dog. The nerve! I wouldn't know until Thursday of the following week if I could have her. It was fairly nerve racking,but told myself if it's meant to be- it will be. I prayed. Stressed a little bit and was my usual persistent (bordering on obnoxious self). Obviously Joey is part of the family now. She's really part of Cole's Christmas and he's really concerned about her. "Mommy..Joey?" He wants SO badly to play with her but I'm encouraging him to give Joey plenty of space.. She's not completely out of her shell yet.

I feel slightly guilty as I am usually an advocate for rescuing a dog and this is my first actual dog "purchase." There are so many dogs in shelters who need good homes, but with a little one around- I guess I wanted to know what sort of temperament I was going to get. I guess in a way I did rescue Joey from being bred herself? That's what I'll keep telling myself. But please welcome Joey to the cast of characters in mine & Cole's crazy life!!

I knew I could...

2008-12-15T09:27:00.005-06:00

OK so I didn't know I could..but after Friday night when I plowed thru 4.5 miles and felt like I could run another 1/2 a mile with no worries- I felt a little more at ease.

Saturday night I was good and opted for Crab Cakes instead of a steak, only ate one of the cakes, two martini's (liquid courage is awesome) and I was out of the restaurant by 10pm and in bed by 11pm resting up for the race Sunday morning. Race day child care was a little stressful.. Cole's Dad was going to take him for the entire day, but wanted me to drive 1/2 an hour north before the race (which was downtown) on Sunday and bad communication put me in a pickle. So once again, my amazing friend helped me out and opened her door at 6:30am for me to drop off a very confused toddler. "Mommy -No! I sleep" he protested as I jostled him out of bed. There was no Good Morning sunshine to be found. When he saw Ms Rhonda in her PJs I think he knew he had it made.

So off we went to the race. I have to give kudos to the folks who organize the White Rock Marathon. With over 30,000 participants it was extremely well done. Lots of bands playing along the way. The residents of the Lakewood Community and around White Rock stood out in their yards handing out orange slices, holding banners and cheering runners on. I had five people to share 26 miles with. What amazed me on my run were the runners doing the full 26miles on their own. It wasn't glamorous. It was, instead, a mental and physical battle for them. Along the route you could see people yakking, stopping to relieve themselves in the bushes, stretching out muscle cramps, stopping to walk, and tend to injuries and sadly some of the runners were just passed out.

It was nothing like what I pictured in my mind of all of these extremely fit people sprinting through 26miles. It was brutal. A very real battle of the body and mind. One of my teammates summed it up best when he said " Running isn't a glamorous sport.. today we're all just humans..." It was very human. Nothing extremely vain about sweat, stank, and bodily functions. But what amazed me as a battled through my own five miles running into the 35mph winds.. when you're out there it's all about finishing what you started. Setting an objective for yourself and committing to finish. The rest of it being aches and pains, the elements, the course and the other runners, well it just becomes road kill as you plow on through. I never looked back as I ran and didn't notice any of my fellow runners looking back either. How awesome would our life journey be if we could all just keep looking forward in our run and not look back at the carnage & mistakes behind us. I thought about this a lot during my five miles. I spend way too much time in life looking back and wondering if I could have done something differently rather than focusing on the next mile marker.

As I rounded a corner and saw the mile 13 marker, I must confess that somewhere in my mind I thought I should be coming up on mile 14, and just when I started to feel a little defeated there was a lady holding up a sign.. Yes, it might have been a little cheesy, but as I read it...it did give me a little warm fuzzy. It said " Tough times never last- but tough people do.." Chew on that for a while.. I'm chewing on whether or not I should train for a 1/2 marathon or hang up the running shoes for anything more than a leisurely run and fitness for the time being. Here are my team's race results:

overall place : 380 of 757 teams
Pace: 10:14 mile
time: 4:27:58

*please note that this results are a little off..we lost about 5minutes of run time in the hand off between runners at the 2nd exchange point & it was 4:44 before our first runner got to cross the start line* I'd say we did a little better than a 10:00 mile. I'll take it. Holla!

I think I can..

2008-12-12T15:38:00.002-06:00

I'm just going to be completely honest and ask for prayers, good vibes, and general happy thoughts for me on Sunday morning. I'm running the 5 person relay at for the Dallas "Run the Rock" marathon craziness. http://www.runtherock.com/race_info/relay/index.html. Shout out to my friend Christina who is actually going to run the full marathon.. you go girl!

So I only have to run five miles.. and I can run five miles. I haven't been doing a great deal of five mile runs here lately and I have to admit I'm a little concerned about this five mile craziness for several reasons:

There are four other people on my team..they are all runners. Good ones and I'm not so great. I'm going to bring the average way down.
I'm insanely competitive and don't like to be "not so great"
Day light savings time and crazy winds have been messing with my running mojo and running on a treadmill makes me feel like a little rat in a wheel so my running time has been greatly decreased lately. So I haven't been running to become better than "not so great" Oh and I also have the excuse of a vile stomach plague too...
If I totally suck and I'm the only one effected that's one thing- but there are 4 other people who probably won't suck and I'll feel really bad if I let them down
Did I mention the insanely competitive part?

Yeah, I'm a little stressed. But I have a plan. I'm going to get some good rest this weekend. I will not stay out late and get tipsy with my girlfriends Saturday night for our annual Christmas dinner. (OK just slightly tipsy but I'm leaving the restaurant by 10pm come hell or high water) I'm going to run tonight... I'll rest tomorrow and Sunday morning I'll have a Jamba Juice with the energy boost..crank my iPod with bitter chick music that keeps be going, breath deep and plod through five miles the best way I can. Hopefully there won't be a whole lot of old people passing me because that makes me feel like a huge loser...but it does motivate me to run faster.

So there it is. A blog confession of fear. On Monday there may be a pic of me crawling that last mile posted on my blog... or I could run my fastest mile ever..who knows? Guess you'll have to tune in Monday to find out.

Everything's Broken

2008-12-09T16:03:00.004-06:00

Are all of the broken things in my life symbolic of me as a person? Just kidding with this one..you were starting to worry weren't you? Ashley's sad again here comes another blog post of her going on and on about how broken she is.

Actually everything is broken in my life. My faithful Volkswagen is getting old and becoming not so faithful. I was driving down the highway the other day when across my driver's console flashed "STOP!" (with a loud beep of course) "Brake Failure" Service Manual!" Seriously.. all of that while cruising 70 mph down the highway. That'll make you pee your pants. Of course, the service manual wasn't of any help. Luckily one of my gal pals turned me on to a good mechanic who is honest and tells it like it is. I need new breaks and my pads are done..so the brake fluid got low.. and caused the "STOP you crazy idiot" message from my faithful car. That's what I get for not buying a GM product. My Dad worked for Chevy for 40+ years and until I bought my Volkswagen I'd never driven anything BUT a GM product. Every time I call my Dad about something wrong with my car I can almost hear the snicker in his voice. "Ash you've got 95,000 miles on a Volkswagen...Really?" He says...

So my oven is possessed as well. When cooking anything, depending on my oven's mood, F1 or F2 flashes and it makes this horrible beeping noise. I sometimes get convinced that machines develop a mind of their own..Like my oven is secretly screaming at me.."you want to bake something well F U 1" or "oh, you think you want to broil something well F u 2" Truly the oven is telling me it's okay not to cook. So I called the GE service man and he advised me that my oven is just older than dirt and they don't even make the control panel for it anymore... so it'll cost you $800 for a new oven and have a nice day... Awesome.

That leads me to my roof..(though not currently leaking) got trashed in all the hail storms last spring. The insurance man has been to look at it, cut me a check for my depreciated roof and left me to get bids for a new roof. Why do roofing guys give me the creeps? It's like they all but say they are going to commit insurance fraud with all of their "we'll absorb your deductible" mambo jumbo. Do I look that stupid? Maybe I do, I don't know..but it just puts me in a foul mood to talk to one so I guess I'll wait for it to start actually leaking.

Lets move on to my fence that's falling down... I just need to the wind to blow really hard and I'm sure it'll blow away too. Nice!

Thankfully, my Dad was able to replace the several bricks that had to be removed from the back of my house when Marketing Boy & I tried to fix the water hose hookey up thingy and broke the pipe off in the wall. So that one only set me back a small fortune in after hours plumbing costs...but I totally saved on hiring someone for the masonry work!!

I also have a peculiar wet spot in the middle of my back yard..like a pipe burst underground or something and there's a crazy mud pool in the middle of the yard..not near the house or anything. I'm sure a small moat is inevitable.

For the grand finale-my laptop . The piece of crap. I boot up this morning only to get this long "beeeeeepppp" and another stupid blue screen. Luckily a different blue screen than the "blue screen of death" I got when my last laptop crashed. I've backed up all my work.. so lightening can go ahead and strike- let's just hope said lightening strike takes out ALL of the re-imaged laptops in my office. Good grief. Somebody get me a Mac already.

So with all of these broken things in my life.. I really am broke myself. Broke in the financial sense. It's going to be a long, cold, lonely winter with no money for shopping...which reminds me I have to cut a check for my $178.00 speeding ticket before they haul my broke *ss to jail.

Maybe if fix all of these things..I'll feel fixed too. Thank God for coffee and Mommy Juice.

Habitat

2008-12-08T10:38:00.006-06:00

hab⋅i⋅tat/ˈhæbɪˌtæt/ [hab-i-tat] –noun
1.the natural environment of an organism; place that is natural for the life and growth of an organism: a tropical habitat. 2.the place where a person or thing is usually found. Paris is a major habitat of artists. 3.a special environment for living in over an extended period, as an underwater research vessel. .

I often say that if my house isn't together- I'm not together. Hello my name is Ashley and I am a neat freak. I've mellowed greatly since having a two year old- but for the most part I can't stand dishes in the sink, crap everywhere, and I try to keep things tiddy. It totally messes with my world if a bed isn't made or things are amuck. I'll revert to doing a mad dash through an airport before I'll leave my house in disarray. I have issues.. I know...I can't help it. My most efficient helper in my life as a single mom is my housekeeper who I affectionately call "Poppins" who comes in twice a month and on those weeks I'm in a noticeably better mood. I'd give up a lot of things in my budget before I'd give up this luxury...When I'm at home, after Cole is asleep.. I don't sit down on the couch and zone out. I putter. I pick things up...I fold laundry..I wander looking for something to do. I can putter picking things up for hours..it's my thing. When I'm stressed you'll generally find me with bleach and a tooth brush scrubbing something..it's not normal. The day before I had Cole I washed every window on my house and cleaned my air purifier with a q-tip. I have issues.

As I look around, if you looked at my office right now- you wouldn't guess that I'm a neat freak..there are market maps, piles of paper everywhere, a coffee cup, my water mug, a blackberry here, a financial calculator there..it's kind of scary. You might actually wonder by looking at my office if I had a handle on my life... but this isn't my Habitat. This is where I land to do my job..it's not what keeps me centered.

I have a great deal of sweat equity in my house. When I bought it- I was certain that Rainbow Bright had vomited there and then moved on the greener pastures. It was hideous..but the price was right, the floor plan was awesome, and so I bought it. It's been painted floor to ceiling, bathrooms re-done, granite installed,and six years later I finally have it about how I want it. I'll probably sell before Cole goes to school as there are too many memories associated with it, but it's my home and I am a firm believer that in today's world our homes should be our sanctuaries..The place where we can land and relax, get our love cups filled up by the people and animals who reside with us, and gather the strength to go out and do it all again the next day.

I thought about this as I was scrolling through some pictures that I had on my Blackberry and found a picture that I had snapped at a recent Habitat for Humanity http://www.habitat.org/ build that I had the pleasure of being involved with. My church does a great job partnering with this organization and we usually send out a team of folks to work on several Habitat projects per year. I like to work on one right before Thanksgiving as I find that it puts me in the right frame of mind for the Holidays. We were working one of the last weekends on the house- so it was a lot of laying sod, and detail trim painting- but as the family worked with us.. I asked if they were going to be able to be in the house in time for the Holidays. They should have moved in this past weekend. How awesome is it that they will get to spend the Holidays in their new home-one that they helped build. I was moved again as I stumbled onto the picture on my Blackberry this morning trying to find some space for yet another Cole pic.

We all need a soft place to land.

The Tree is Up!

2008-12-03T12:09:00.002-06:00

So I got the Tree up. Woo hoo! It was major thing I'd been avoiding..but I poured myself some Mommy Juice... handed Cole the lights..cranked the Christmas carols and two hours later I had a tree up, lit, and standing somewhat erect. Yes, the star is a little off and the lights aren't great- but I had a two year old helper. The fact that he didn't shock or strangle himself on Christmas lights is amazing.

For the first time in six (6) years the tree is all about me and Cole. It sort of rocked. My childhood ornaments..my special handbag ornaments (I had a handbag issue before I had a kid and became broke) all of my Eiffel Tower ornaments..I bought a couple of new sassy chick ornaments.. There are, of course, the Cole ornaments and this year I bought him a new choo choo ornament that he put on the tree and then he promptly yanked it off. He also got tangled up in my "bead" tinsel. The whole experience wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be and when we were done I took him outside and let him see the tree lit up in my dining room window. He said "Mommy wow!!" and we were pretty proud of our accomplishment. Above is the crappy picture taken from my Blackberry Curve.

Who is Marketing Boy?

Some of you have asked... so let me try to explain that relationship..or maybe you'll have to wait. Here's his pic:

Ok I have downed my take out salad. Back to work for me. Holla!

I survived..and I'm thankful

2008-12-02T09:44:00.006-06:00

So I survived my first Thanksgiving post divorce. I got down the Christmas tree and the ornaments.. yes they are still sort of scattered around the front half of my house but hey..progress was made. This year is all about new traditions and new memories and so I found myself spending Thanksgiving with Marketing Boy and his family. It's nice to spend time with someone who gets where you are and is okay with it. While I love my family it was hard to explain this concept to them. I tried by just saying " Let me figure out how to get through this first Holiday season. I've always been there and done my part, but this year I need my space." So they rallied and were supportive and Cole and I spent Thanksgiving night with them and stayed through breakfast the following morning.

The Plague
It was shortly after that- when the plague hit us. We'd seen Marketing Boy's kids become stricken and just written it off as food poisoning, but when the plague came knocking on our door it was brutal. Projectile vomit from a two year old cruising down I-35 isn't fun. A Saturday, Sunday & partial Monday spent thinking the end was near wasn't very fun for me either- but I weighed in this morning and the good news is I've made my goal weight loss before the Holiday season. Woo hoo! I found the entire process very cleansing..literally...

The moral of the story is beware people..there is a nasty stomach virus lurching around so keep your homes stocked with Sprite and Ginger Ale and lots of antibacterial cleaning products. You'll thank me when the green monster comes knocking on your door.

Transforming Thoughts
I took last week off to spend some time with the C Monster, catch up with some friends, and just sort of give myself a break. I hadn't had a week off yet this year? So it was good. A lot of soul searching. A lot of thinking and a few moments of giving myself permission to not be okay. Will came to collect Tobie, which was painful. He chose not to see his son during the Holiday,which was also painful, but here's where I am at: It's not my fault and there's nothing I can do about it other than what I've already done and that's surround my son with the best possible people I can. No, his Dad chose not to see him, but I had friends who did want to see him and by Wednesday the Wahlstedts were in Cole withdrawal and needed to have lunch to get a Cole fix. I'm lucky. Cole is a lucky boy. Sometimes we have to get over the fact that love and support doesn't come from the people we think it should. I'm learning to accept it where I find it and to quit asking questions or having expectations.

I stumbled into Church on Sunday a little late, and too stubborn to admit I was still feeling sick and heard the message. It was a good one about accepting that where we are on our Soul Journey is exactly where we should be. To accept the twists and turns, the delays, and the shortcomings because at the end, the divine detour of life sometimes leads to a divine appointment. I pondered this while trying not to hurl: this year has felt like I've done nothing but Crazy 8's in my journey... but here I am.. apparently exactly where I should be. I remembered that this time last year I had given myself a very real timeline for determining my next step in life. Stay in my marriage or walk away. Look how far I've come? It's been painful and hard, but I'm exactly where I should be and what if this Divine detour or delay is leading me to something great?

I've gotten past the plague and this morning I woke up tired, but I think I've shaken off feeling blue. There are 29 days left in 2008....I'm going to enjoy the Holiday season and be thankful. I find myself thinking 2009 has got to be good to me.

Cole Craziness

2008-11-21T10:11:00.005-06:00

So I had a work trip this week to Atlanta. It was as trip I needed to make because with it came resolution. When I landed in Dallas on Wednesday evening, I couldn't wait to go get Cole. I hate it when I have to leave him overnight. There are times that I don't mind so much as it's nice to sleep uninterrupted, but for the most part it kills me.

Getting to him took longer than I wanted it to because the obnoxious flight crew in Atlanta made me check my bag, so I had to wait at baggage claim, then I couldn't use the SkyLink and then I found myself waiting for a stupid bus to get me from Terminal D back to Terminal C. All this while needing to pee like a race horse. Good times had by all while traveling for business.

Finally, I get to see Cole and I am reminded why I do any of this. After the reunion, I do what any parent does. I futally tried to win back affection for the abandonment and took him for a chocolate shake which in Cole speak is "choca cake" before dinner and then drooled as he slurped it down and I had a diet soda. Then we were off to get home and gear up for a run with Tobie before it got too dark. I strapped Cole in the jogging stroller, tethered Tobie's leash to the stroller..handed Cole his Thomas the Tank Engine flashlight.. turned on my iPod and we were off. About a mile into my run... Cole began chanting "go go go Mommy" All I could think was someday he'll have to push my butt around in a wheelchair and I hope I remember to beat my cane on the ground and chant "go go go Cole!!" Perhaps there will be some retaliation for the past two years of really nasty diapers too. Who knows?

I ran and when we got back to the house, I unstrapped Cole and he immediately started in with
"Sit Mommy. Sit" So I let Tobie in the house to cool down and assumed the "sit" position with Cole on my front step. We passed the bottle (of water) back and forth and commenced serious conversation. I began by saying " Cole I hope I'm not screwing up your life?" He looked at me.. and pointed to the sky "Mommy Plane!! Dights" (the plane had it's lights on if there was any doubt) Clearly he's concerned about my screwing up his life too. We talked about the cars, my flowers, Tobie, the planes, icky poo poo and dights. He's two. His vocabulary is somewhat limited. I took a deep breath in and let it out. Cole mimicked me and then snuggled up close to me. I only had a moment to squeeze in a hug before I smelled icky poo poo and my priceless memory of invaluable time with Cole was drawn to a close..

"Cole did you poop?"

He looked me right in the eyes, shook his head and said "No.." Clearly he has a future in politics.

Feeling a Little Blue

2008-11-20T11:55:00.010-06:00

I'm usually a really upbeat person. I get a little bogged down sometimes.. generally I allow myself time to work through whatever I'm feeling & then I move on: hopeful.

The hits have just kept coming lately. I feel sort of like I've been knocked down and I'm having a little bit of difficulty picking myself back up. Work stress. Life stress. I've had to make a really hard decision about my Tobie dog, and the holidays are fast approaching.

This week Tobie (my mutt of a dog) will go to live with his Dad. I rescued Tobie from a local no kill animal shelter with my ex a couple of months after we were married. I had a little Westie (Sophie) that was mine pre-marriage and so Tobie was always meant to be my ex's dog. We both spoiled him. Will a little more than me as he seemed to think that everything Tobie did (obnoxious or not) was cute. Sophie died several years after marriage and I couldn't bring myself to attach to another dog. Tobie was our child until Cole. When Will & I split we agreed Tobie would stay with me because of Will's crazy firefighter schedule and to not upset him as he had always lived in our home. I've done everything I could to feel like Tobie was really my dog and offer him enough love, but somewhere deep in my heart he is just a painful reminder to me. As crazy as it sounds, Will paid more attention to the dog and his needs than he ever did to me. Don't get me wrong... I love Tobie greatly and always will, but since our parting Tobie mourned Will leaving. He's grown more out of control and taken to biting me, Cole, other people and kids and so Will has worked with me and is coming to take Tobie to live with him. I can't have a biter around Cole, but it still breaks my heart to see him go and to think of my house without a dog. I am a lover of dogs and it seems like just one more thing I'll have to mourn and worry about eventhough I know it's for the best. Tobie needs to be with Will. He'll be happier and I have to let him go.

Mawiage is what brings us together today..
Chris, my big brother, got married last weekend. I was so happy for him and I know that's he's found his partner in life. I am excited to watch him start his life with Rachel. But attending any wedding since my divorce is painful and hard. I still believe in marriage. I don't live in a dream world where it's easy and doesn't take work every single day. It's a comittment, a spiritual union, but I still think when you find a true partner it has to be the most fulfilling relationship possible? Will I ever have the opportunity to experience that sort of relationship and how could I ever promise anyone "forever" again? This weighs on me.

This is usually my favorite time of year.. I love the fall and the Holiday season. I love dragging out the Christmas ornaments and putting up my tree and dorky Christmas carols. I love cooking Holiday food and coming up with a crazy idea for the Peterson family Christmas card complete with a picture of us in matching santa hats or red sweaters or whatever. But this year I'll climb up in my attic and sift through all of the ornaments and know I'll have to box up all the ones I'd collected through the years for Will because he didn't have any of his childhood ones when we got married. There will be firetrucks, stockings & dog ornaments and things that aren't really symbolic anymore...one last box of things to pack up for someone who never could invest in me the same way I invested in him...I'm going to need some Mommy Juice.

Watching my brother get married, learning that my cousin's wife is pregnant with baby no. 2 made me sad for Cole as well. If you're lucky there is special bond when you grow up with a sibling. There will always be someone who knows every childhood wound or heartache.. who understands your difficult relationship with your parents and truly gets you in every sense of the word. I've always sort of had that with my brother. We may fight or disagree or snap at each other... but the history, love and respect is there. I'd do anything for my brother. It hurts my heart that Cole might never have a sibling to grow up with. After explaining this to Counselor Sherri, she smiled and said

"well yes, but Cole has a Mom that will over compensate in other ways.."

I nodded and replied " I know God has a plan for me..but this isn't what I had in mind.."

she smiled and said "His path is best and only He knows what's in store for you..it's hard, but you have to trust.."

There's a concept.

I'll work on that one while I finish my lunch and get back to work. But I'll be back with more positive ramblings after the intermission. Holla!

How Did I Get Here?

2008-11-12T22:42:00.001-06:00

I've had an interesting couple of weeks on the work front. A lot of accusations about me not advising my client of something...threats... me producing valid documentation that I did in fact present the information and gain approval. How did I land in a world where daily I feel like I'm operating in CYA mode... That's "Cover Your Ass " in case you were wondering. I've learned that CYA is just the nature of the business, but I'm still sick of it. Now I'm in "earn the trust back mode" when I never should have lost it? I did my job exactly as I should have.

Growing up I always wanted to be someone who helped people. A nurse, a physical therapist, a psychologist or something? All I help people do now is acquire real estate: at the best possible price, in the most efficient amount of time, and with the least amount of legal or financial exposure. I pondered this as I stared at my laptop and my office covered with Cole pics, with my headset on my head, in my thinking mode (which is sitting Indian style in my office chair with my heels kicked off)...how did I get here?

I know the answer. A series of events in College that led to the Bank I worked for reimbursing me for a lot of my upper level classes as long as they were business related. I made sure they were. I was a Finance Major with a minor in Real Estate. It came easy to me. It seemed logical. I landed a good job fresh out of college with a great commercial Real Estate firm in Dallas. I'd even say they were the best commercial Real Estate firm in Dallas. I started at the bottom and have worked my way to where I am now. Now I've sort of mommy tracked my career. The next level of advancement would mean less time with Cole and more time traveling and managing people and I'm not willing to make that sacrifice right now. Good thing the economy is in the crapper because I don't really have an opportunity for the next level. It makes me feel less guilty about not being more pro-active in my advancement.

So as I think about the things that led me here..is this really my calling in life? Because I'm good at it and can make an okay living? Or am I missing a world where I would be totally satisfied and fulfilled by my career? Is it God's will for me to be here when all of the steps along the way have been easy or have I missed a greater calling by always doing what's comfortable?

I don't hate my job. Most days I enjoy it and feel like I'm a contributing member of society. I'm also really good at it. But are these things that make a worthwhile career or have I missed the point? OK..I'm turning off the computer and going to bed. I have to bring my "A" game at the office tomorrow. But can someone please tell me what I'm meant to be when I grow up?

Holla!

Hmm.. Politics...

2008-11-11T12:15:00.006-06:00

“If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible…who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of Democracy..tonight is your answer..”
-Barack Obama

Gathering my thoughts for this blog has taken me some time. Political views are never easy to discuss. This Presidential election raised much emotion in the United States. I felt fairly passionately about it. I caucused in the Primary and found myself awe inspired that for the first time there was a possibility that a woman or an African American man could be the President elect. In my dream world Obama & Hillary would have been on the same ticket. In our discussions of this Presidential campaign, I asked Marketing Boy if he remembered thinking as a child if he would ever see a black man or a woman as President. His answer was honest... He hadn’t really thought about it. He just assumed he would.

I had. I’d thought about it as a young girl... our parents tell us that there aren’t any limitations, but there always have been. Presidents, the highest political office, the Commanders in Chief, the leaders of the free world… have always been white men. I pondered and even journaled about it as a girl… “Will I live to see a Woman be President?” I hated watching the media attack Hillary because she cried or because of supposed cankles or because she was too tough or not sensitive enough? She couldn’t win any way she presented herself?

Politics in my family has always been an interesting coversation. My father’s family was die hard Republican. My mother’s were Democrats. My Mom and Dad did a fairly good job of selecting candidates and not always voting within party lines... but the battle ground was present. Democrat or Republican?

I don’t consider myself a die hard liberal. But if one were to look at my voting track record…I voted to re-elect Clinton in 1996, let’s just say I didn’t vote for Bush either time (not that it matters in the Great State of Texas) and I didn’t vote for McCain in this election. I realize in the Christian community, in the professional community of which I am a part, and amongst many of my family and friends that makes me a minority. I certainly don’t discuss politics in the office because well the day after the election my client began forwarding me “Obama is the anti-Christ” "The end is near" emails. I’ve received the email chains that Obama is not really a citizen because his father was an African Muslim and that his birth certificate is wrong, so he couldn’t possibly be a citizen? I’ve seen the You Tube videos showing working class America going on and on about Barack HUSSEIN Obama. The spelling of his name apparently makes him a terrorist? Someone even commented to me that if I voted for Obama- I was responsible for our country going to “hell in a hand basket.” Wow….

I’ll spare you the break down of the issues and my stance. I have a very real opinion on all of them, but I didn’t agree 100% with either candidate’s stance on them. I had to look at the bundle of issues and make my call. I did so without ever saying “McCain is the Anti-Christ” Truthfully, when McCain gave his concession speech I thought to myself “that’s a class act” there is the man that I expected to see run the campaign for the Presidency

My thoughts, however random, are getting a little lost. When I watched Obama give his victory speech, I knew I was witnessing history. We might not all believe in his views, but 70% of registered voters turned out to vote in this Presidential election.

I read an article not long ago that made an interesting correlation. Great American leaders have either come from strong political backgrounds with strong male role models (ie the Kennedy’s) or they have rose above their means or situation and did so without a strong Father figure present (Clinton or Obama). Barack Hussein Obama may have a crazy sounding name. His father was a Muslim and not born in the United States..but Barack was. That makes him an American Citizen and qualified to lead. He rose above his situation to gain an education. He has served his community and his State as a Senator. He is a practicing Christian and while he has been linked to some fairly questionable people in the past—haven’t we all? Can’t we celebrate his efforts to better himself? Appreciate his willingness to serve?

Regardless of our views or our vote…We have set an example for our children, finally, that there are no limitations. Obama inspired an entire generation that “Yes We Can.” He reached across party and racial lines. Let’s see what he does with it and realize that great accomplishments often begin when we embrace change.

This liberal has a Lean Cuisine hiding in my Get Hip Get Green lunch bag. Time to go nuke it , recycle the container and eat some lunch. Holla!

Toys Toys Mommy!!

2008-11-08T19:32:00.005-06:00

Thanks to the Target Corporation for sending out the mega toy catalog.. Cole saw it.."Toys! Book!!" he proclaimed and grabbed it from me with his sticky, grubby, chunky little toddler mits..Then he carried it to the coffee table where he could place it at exactly the right reading/thumbing through it height and looked at it cover to cover..proclaiming "Wow!" at every page.

When he got to a page with a choo choo or a Car... He's pick it up.."Mommy! Thomas...Purcy!!" or CARS!!" Just like the shampoo bottle says "rinse lather repeat" Cole felt it necessary to peruse the Toy catalog twenty times.. The most exciting page to him was the one with the train table....

Doh! Where the heck am I gonna put a train table? Coffee Table or Train Table?.. messes with my whole Pottery Barn motif..but what the heck. Choo choo! Santa sign me up. Do you want my MasterCard number now or later for a "priceless" Christmas morning?

Chocolate In My....

2008-11-04T13:22:00.007-06:00

I am a Mom. I try not to be that Mom that goes on and on about my child all the time... but I have to say that Cole was the cutest possible train conductor for Halloween. I couldn't get him to wear the red bandanna or the work gloves, but that's okay. We only had one meltdown when it was time to call trick or treating quits but he said "t-a-n-k-s" for every piece of candy..I was so proud.

We worked on "trick or treat" for a couple of weeks leading up to Halloween. Cole had a Thomas the Train trick or treat pale, so "trick or treat" became "Chocolate in my Choo Choo" At least he gets points for being consistent. Every house I'd say "trick or treat" & he would chime in with his chocolate choo choo greatness. It was pretty classic.. Oh so cute.

And when all of the trick or treating was done.. I put him in his jammies, we said our prayers, I told him I loved him and he was so tired that he all but climbed up into his crib himself. He assumed his butt up sleeping position and dreamed of treats in his choo choo.

I'm drained

2008-10-26T14:30:00.002-05:00

I had a crazy weekend. Nothing happened the way it should have. I had concert tickets Friday night to see Ray LaMontagne. He was awesome. He's the kind of artist that can stand there with his guitar and sing. No gimmicks or strobe lighting needed. Just his soulful voice. He gives me chills. What didn't give me chills but rather REALLY annoyed me was tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber aka annoying Highland Park chicks who showed up extremely late and then proceeded to talk to each other and play with their cell phones during the concert. Why bother? Here is this man pouring his heart out singing at the Majestic and these ditzes are twirling their hair, smacking their gum and trying oh so hard to be seen. I saw you and I wasn't impressed. I realize that this isn't a nice statement, but really? Why pay money to ignore an artist and distract those of us who are trying to appreciate the show?

Saturday got all messed up as well. Cole & I had plans to take Nana to lunch for her birthday, and hit Boo at the Zoo later that afternoon...but Nana had an accident (thankfully she's okay) and wasn't up to it and Tobie decided to run away from home Saturday afternoon so I spent the afternoon looking for my Mutt. He was found and is okay. I called the ex to let him know Tobie was missing because he's still a contact for Tobie and listed on all of the vet info., He showed up to help look for Tobie and fixed the fence that fell down. I appreciated the effort. Can't say I appreciated meeting his new girlfriend and her daughter under those circumstances...The timing was just off. While I am happy that he has moved on and only want his happiness. I hadn't prepared myself for such a meeting. Or the "show" that had to happen with Cole, Tobie & I. It felt fake and while I think I manged myself pretty well being polite and offering beverages and making idle small talk..there I was with my ex husband, his new girlfriend, her kid, & Cole trying to figure out what would Emily Post do? It's a little violating for a meeting such as that to happen in my only sanctuary...my home. It's over and done. Tobie is back and once again I had to console by boys as they watched the ex get back in his car and drive away..this time with someone else and her child.

While I'm making my own efforts to move on. I just think there's a way to handle things. I won't show up to drop Cole off to see his father with someone else in the car..but I'm still new at this and working on my own boundaries. In my opinion, the ex won't need to know about anyone I'm seeing unless I'm fairly certain that person is going to be around long term. Then I would tell him and let him know that this person is a part of my life and I'd like him to get on board. Other than that, the wounds are still fresh. I'll have a little respect for his feelings. Even when people part ways--why can't there be a continued respect? Have we become so insensitive as people that we can't think about how things might impact another person?

After something like this happens- there is a need to just say "what the heck?" You need a sounding board. Someone who will just listen to you talk through it. It can upset me even though I'm happy for him. It was awkward and draining. My sounding board sounded back with a lot of things I didn't really want to hear at that moment. Things that were hurtful and critical and not needed when I was already drained. The wound was open and salt was poured in.

Thankfully there are other people in my address book that helped me on my way. The good news is I think I now know what my calling is for the book I want to write. Divorce etiquette. I think there's a niche here. More than 50% of us are divorced and we need an Emily Post for the commitment challenged. Right? I think I have my first chapter in the "what not to do section"

Anyway, not a banner weekend. But I got my cup filled back up at church, I'm planning to run five miles (though not well) I've given Cole lots of love and have plans for a relaxing evening ... Once again my friends listened and comforted and another divorce hurdle was crossed I suppose. There really should be a handbook for this crap.

Ramblings of My Crazy Two Year Old

2008-10-23T09:30:00.012-05:00

Good times are had being a parent to a 2 yr old. I love that he can finally communicate to me what he wants and needs. Sometimes I don't understand what the heck is saying, but I suppose that's half the fun. I love that Cole is developing this super cute personality and really I think that overflows into his own little language.. Last night I dug out Cole's Thomas the Train trick or treat pale ...(Sir Cole is going to be a Train Conductor for Halloween) I said "Cole say Trick or Treat" fascinated with his Thomas the Train pale he said instead "Chocolate in My Choo Choo.."

Sometimes I'll say "Cole I love you..." and ask him to say " I love you too Mama.." instead he'll say " I love (long pause)...ma ma"

Often he points at me & says "You Mama" and he can now say "ToBie" instead of "Togo" Every morning we rush out of the house and I say "go go go Cole" and then I say "bye bye Tobie" Now as soon as I say "go go go Cole" ... My little man begins his "Bye Bye Tobie" & heads to the door. When we get in the car he'll begin requesting "cars cars cars" and that's my cue that he wants to hear the song from the Movie "Cars" ...so we start our day listening to "Life is a Highway" and I have to dance and act silly with him while he bobs his head and dances in his car seat. I look fairly spastic driving through my neighborhood every morning. What we'll do to make our kids laugh? We can't just listen to it once...he immediately starts in with "gin gin" which is code for "again"... here I was hoping for a dirty martini with all the gin talk.

Cole has an obsession with movies... his favorite titles:

"Super" = The Incredibles

"Sheak" or "Donkey"= Shrek

"Happy"= Happy Feet

"Choo Choo" = Thomas the Train

"Cars" = Cars the Movie

"Mimi & Maxc" = Max & Ruby

Other discoveries I've made in Cole language:

Outside= I want to go outside... we say this one a lot. The child would live outside if he could

Fries= I'm scared that he knows this one..Rhonda you wouldn't know anything about this would you?
Coffee= He knows what Coffee is.. I'm blaming the Wahlstedts : )
Cake= donut or desert looking stuff
nok=snack

diapoo= diaper

cycle= bicycle

boaple=fruit. usually strawberries or apples
more bat= he's not ready to get out of the bathtub

teeth= he wants to brush his teeth

night night is communicated when he is ready to go to bed

when he rubs his head- that's my cue to play with his hair to help him wind down before bedtime
nana papa (spoken as one word)= my parents...when he says their name..he's ready to give them a call..but then he won't actually speak

duck cycle= he wants me to read him his new favorite book before nap time "Duck on a Bike" thanks uncle Chris!

The cute little language that is all Cole is fun...but then there are moments when he doesn't get his way... he clenches his fists..the mouth gets square, he throws back his head, lets out this wail and I swear the veins are going to pop out of his neck. The drama of it all!! It's like a scene out of the Exorcist. I swear I think he's being possessed or something. There is no reasoning with him at this point. So I just look at him like he's crazy and ask "are you done?"

What has been really interesting is, that lately, when we get to the 3rd time of my asking him to do something and we graduate from my "asking" to "telling" and he can see the disapproval on my face that sets him off too (see above reaction). He gets his feelings hurt because he knows he has disappointed me. These instances get " Cole I love you so much but you need to do this for me.." and I usually get a "k" and he wipes his tears and we move on.

It's hard out there for a little guy....

The Life List

2008-10-20T09:49:00.017-05:00

Shocking I know..but I do have a life list.. A list of things that I'd like to accomplish with my slightly sound mind, somewhat functioning body, & incredible desire to be content when I'm laying on my death bed & know that I put it all out there... To give you a peek at my list (in no particular order):

Have a real and lasting partnership
Travel to at least twenty countries
Read the Bible cover to cover
Be comfortable in my own skin
Raise Cole to be an amazing man
Sit at Cole's college graduation & know I've given him the tools to be successful in life
Sky Dive
Bungee Jump
Take a Hot Air Balloon ride
Own a convertible
Go on a mission trip to Africa
Have a career that is meaningful to me
Always have at least five friends who I know I can count on
Run a marathon...or maybe just a lot of races..(see further commentary below)
Write a book..even if it's never published
Become deeply involved in a charity that is meaningful to me
Go on a trip alone... and find myself again...at least three times in my life
Make sure the people I love---know it...
Buy an old house and restore it... (this one is becoming less and less appealing as I struggle to keep my somewhat new house from falling down)
Allow myself to fully accept Grace
Liposuction (ok I'm kidding about this one...)
Own a beach cruiser bicycle (red of course) with a basket and ride around on it..even when I'm 80
Own a home with a porch swing
Learn to knit (I need something to do when I'm old)
Learn to play the guitar...
Matter to people
Take lots of photography classes
Live on the water at some point in my life
Make it to the end of my life & be at peace

If someone had read my life list from several years ago it would have included a lot of career type or financial goals. I guess I'm just becoming a slacker in my old age? Or maybe I've just accepted that those are just accomplishments and it's more about the journey and the relationships I form outside of my profession that fulfill me? What really makes us successful anyway? I'm still wrapping my mind around this one.

I am proud to say that with the help of marketing boy I completed my first 5k race on Saturday (see life list # 14) Yes, I ran the whole thing and didn't pass out. I didn't even stop for water or to walk. So I was pretty pleased. I'm waiting for race results to be posted- but I know for a fact that I didn't finish last!

However, Tuesday reality set in for me when I couldn't really walk without pain. I twisted my back some sort of crazy way running over the weekend I think? After the back spasm my goal has become less about running a marathon because I just don't think this body is equipped to do that... so I'll settle for running a lot of races for charity and keep my acupuncturist, chiropractor extraordinaire Dr. Miner on speed dial..

Maybe I'll work up to a 10k eventually, but I'm thinking why in the world do I need to run more than 6 miles at one time? That's what cars are for...so bye bye marathon aspirations. My back hurts!

Random Ramblings on Self Image

2008-10-17T12:35:00.003-05:00

Another turkey sandwich on wheat at the desk. I had a rough meeting this morning and another one this afternoon.. so what I really want to do is go eat something comforting with a friend. But I'm focused on losing a few pounds (what else is new?) so I'll eat my little sandwich, save myself some $ and blog. Lucky you.

My meeting was rough because I got my *ss handed to me. Not really for something I failed to do, but rather a failure to foresee how this person would want the information presented to them. Perhaps it's hard to predict this because it constantly changes...the preferred method of delivery of information..who knows. Just give me my butt chewing and send me on my way. Next time I'll consult with the Magic 8 ball before submitting my stuff. I'm a big girl... I can take a butt chewing.. say my "yes sirs" and go on my way. I don't even cry..because that would prove me weak in the business world.

But being a little bitter about eating my turkey sandwich led me to some thoughts about self esteem issues and how most women I know are constantly struggling to conform to an ideal image of what a woman should be. In business she's assertive without being bitchy...At home the house is perfect and she's supportive of her family without being a doormat... In relationships she struggles to express herself without being perceived as overly opinionated or overbearing. It's a constant balancing act. No wonder we need a trough of Ben & Jerry's occasionally.

But we better not overindulge in the Ben & Jerry's because then butts will expand.. and as women it seems we're always struggling to be that "picture" of what beauty is... From a very young age we're shown through media, conversation, perception and experience..that society appreciates the tall, thin, blonde woman with perfect measurements. Trust me... I got sucked in at an early age too.. I'm still sucked in (literally) at 31. My expectations are a little more realistic I think, but none the less... here I am on yet another diet. In reality I will never be 5'10, barely weigh 100 pounds, and not have a physical flaw.

At 13 I came home and told my Mom I wanted to go on a diet...and oh by the way, I needed to get rid of my freckles..freckles aren't pretty. I really wanted to dye my hair too...but Mom drew the line at that. She bought me some products guaranteed to fade freckles, taught me the importance of sunblock and off I went to diet and conform. I didn't need a diet... I just needed another year to grow up instead of out... but I was convinced I was fat? The girls at school told me I was? I certainly didn't look like the chicks on Beverly Hills 90210. I lost 15 pounds... but constantly "watched" what I ate through High School... "watching" it became a little obsessive in College....

Recently, I have appreciated companies like Unilever and their Dove Campaign for Real Beauty http://www.dove.us/#/cfrb/ as well as their efforts to positively impact realistic self esteem for young girls... If you have a moment check out these links :

http://www.dove.us/#/features/videos/default.aspx[cp-documentid=8354359]/
http://www.dove.us/#/features/videos/default.aspx[cp-documentid=8354359]/

Some shocking statistics.. 75% of young girls are unhappy with their physical appearance.. this scares me. I'm glad I have a son. How do you teach a young girl as well as yourself that beauty comes in all shapes, colors and sizes. That the beautiful women on TV and on the cover of the magazine have been nipped, tucked, sucked, airbrushed and photo shop'd until they are really just imaginary women... No wonder women are crazy!! I recently saw The Women with one of my best girl friends and it was a great film.. Annette Benning sums it up:

http://www.dove.us/#/thewomen/videos.aspx/

Now I'm 31.. I'm still worried about crows feet, gravity, laugh lines... stretch marks...baby weight.. AHHH!! It's craziness. Even with all of these worries of aging and time marching on across my body.. I figure this body with red hair and freckles is really just my vehicle for getting through life. After 31 years, I'm getting pretty good at handling my vehicle and learning that maybe I don't need to trade it in for a better model? Somebody get me a cupcake.

Technology Sucks

2008-10-13T21:05:00.001-05:00

Technology sucks. Okay maybe it doesn't... but I'm so frustrated with technology right now I could just scream. I'm over all these devices that are suppose to make my life easier giving me attitude. I want my Blackberry, Laptop, iPod, Oven and life to be normal again. Good grief!

I came back from a trip last week to boot up my laptop at the office, all ready to conquer the world and I get what I'm now told is the Blue Screen of Death.... I'm now on my 3rd re-imaged (what the heck does that mean) laptop...While they are at it can they get me a new image too?

I left my new Blackberry on the table at a wedding Saturday night...only to come back after "busting a move" to a huge crack across the screen of my new Blackberry Curve..our relationship has only just begun and I've already flawed her...hopelessly... that's what I get for dancing..

I get so frustrated when trying to explain IT issues to the crew at the office. I just want to turn the damn thing on and have it do what it's suppose to do. I want my files to be where I left them in "My Documents" and I want my Blackberry to NOT have a crack in the screen. I just got this one and now I have to process a stupid claim through the insurance provider, wade the bureaucracy at the office to get back on the Blackberry server, download all of my ringtones, pics etc., THIS IS MADNESS.

I'd like to take this piece of crap laptop out in the parking lot...throw it on the ground with the Blue Screen of Death still staring me down, start up my VW and drive over it... then get out, pick it up, and throw it.. then maybe jump up and down on it in my sassy shoes... piece of crap.. AHHH !! I just want my files back. I document crap and keep redlines of documents because I need them. Can you hear me now?

Damn you!- stupid, piece of crap computer... damn you! person who cracked the screen of my blackberry and didn't have the decency to own up to it... damn you! arrogant, IT people who look at me like I'm an idiot...damn you! oven at my house that makes beeping noises with F1 & F2 blinking on the screen and only stops after I hit "clear" what feels like 200 times.

I just want to bake something without headache..work with without drama.. and not get pissed off every time I look at my cracked Blackberry screen.

Wow. That was cleansing.. I feel better.

Please no comments about how I should back up my work, get a Mac, or get a life. Sell crazy someplace else...we're all stocked up here.

It Takes a Village

2008-10-12T14:05:00.011-05:00

The other day I was watching Cole play with his choo choos, cars, and favorite toys of the moment. It was his birthday not too long ago so we're still weeding our way thru all new toys. We stumbled upon one still in the package.. Cole was wrestling with getting the package open...
"Bubba can I help you with that?" I asked... "No mommy..I do it.."

God reveals our character to us by giving us children..who emulate us and our habits both good and bad. Then He chuckles when we struggle with being the parent to our character flaws. My Mr. Independent son was like a big dose of reality for me. I do own a T-shirt that says "I can do it!" I am really really bad at asking for help. I'm also really bad at accepting it or admitting that I need it, but I am getting a little better. Not so long ago I had an epiphany... I thought that I'm usually the person who helps out other people. I'll generally do what I can and show up in a time of need. I reciprocate. I give back...why can't I take a little too?

Someone really special to me frequently says " I don't need anyone or anything" half joking of course, but I usually respond with "Yes you do.." We all do. We weren't meant to figure out the journey by ourselves. Needing people and helping people, caring and depending upon other people..it helps us make sense of this thing called life. I am frequently made better by the people who stumble into my life. So yes, I need them.

Which brings me to "It Takes a Village" which is a theory and book by Hillary Clinton. In it she basically advocates the importance of extended family and community to raise a child. I know lots of you don't agree with her politics, but she hit home for me with this. She's right. We need a Village. What has surprised me in the past year is who showed up for me in my time of need. My close circle of friends showed up for me in every way imaginable. My neighbors who are constantly looking out for me. My family. The new friends that have made their way into my heart and my life..

But there is one family that has really been there for me every step of the way.

I remember the day I realized that the "thing" I had been hiding from and covering up and ashamed of was my marriage. I was at church. The sermon was about letting go of these things.. of giving them up to God. My pastor had set up trays of sand throughout the sanctuary so that we could write it in the sand individually, pray about it, and let it go. I am guessing you can figure out what I wrote in the sand that day.

The following week I sought out a therapist. I met my pastor for coffee and began the process of trying to fix my marriage with the guidance of professionals because my solo attempts over the past year had failed miserably. I was given some very real challenges by my pastor and therapist. I did my homework. I learned the lessons and then there came a time where all I did (it felt like) was pray about it and I felt like God answered. I couldn't fix it by myself. I needed to burn my "I can do it!" T-shirt because I've learned I can't. Admitting it has been liberating.

I met my Pastor for coffee again one Friday morning...months later. He would be one of the hardest people to tell that I wasn't going to make it work, but I needed his insight on how to make sure that I made it easiest for Cole. How could I make sure I put him around positive male role models so that he would grow to be a good man? He never really answered me..other than to tell me that my focus needed to be on Cole and to pray. I guess on some level I expected to receive a verbal lashing and a reminder of the sin of divorce, but all I received was compassion and acceptance.

He never really answered me, but his amazing wife who's a pro with children now watches Cole during the work week. She just totes Cole everywhere and I love it. My pastor spends time with Cole.. Cole can now say "Starbucks" as it is a favorite hang out but I'm glad because since he began spending time with Cole.. Cole is no longer afraid of men, seeks them out and now openly gives hugs. Their daughters babysit for me all the time so I can actually have a break.... they took us in.

I have a pretty awesome Village. While there isn't the police officer, the construction worker, the Indian, the biker, or a military man and we don't sing "Macho Man" or "YMCA" there's me, Cole, and a lot of really special people who have accepted us along the way.

Alrighty.. I have a cup of coffee to finish. Holla!

Thoughts on the Road

2008-09-25T13:31:00.009-05:00

Thoughts from the Road

I don't talk much about what I do.. probably because a long time ago I came to the realization that it's what I do, it's not who I am. To summarize I am a site acquisition girl for a national retailer. Simply put: that means that when you see a store for the retailer I represent- I'm part of the team that found the site, negotiated the deal, the lease and managed the general transaction. If real estate were a circus, I'd be the clown juggling all the balls. The balls being the parties to a deal: Lawyers, brokers, clients, and landlords. I make sure everyone stays warm and fuzzy until we open a door and commence selling our product. Essentially, I'm an overpaid babysitter to grown men.

Most of my work is done from an office or I can day trip to cover my splendid territory that is Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, and Oklahoma. I wish I got to go cool places like Boston, San Francisco, or New York- but I get to figure out how to get to places like Natchitoches, Louisiana and the Rio Grande Valley of Texas..good times. Sometimes my travels are solo missions and sometimes I'm traveling with my team and find myself in the back of a TrailBlazer, a party to some interesting conversations. Here are some of my deep thoughts for the trip this week:

It has been proven that on average men speak 15,000 words per day, while women speak 30,000 words per day. I think this theory is a load of crap. The guys I work with talk way more than I ever thought about talking. I respect the members of my team, but sometimes I wonder if their ego drives them to talk as much as they do and have told them I thought this...they usually laugh at me.
I feel fortunate that the guys I work with find decent potty stops for me and don't make me use nasty gas station bathrooms, but if necessary I'll hang at the gas station with lots of anti bacterial goodness once I get to the car..
Politics. Never talk politics in a car on a two lane highway in the middle of no where Texas. I'm not extremely conservative nor am I extremely liberal, but the conversation of my co-workers made my blood boil. I have some strong opinions about this election and sometimes I feel that uber conservative beliefs are nothing more than sticking your head in the sand and being resistant to change. Do your research and decide and respect every person's opinion and/or vote. Blanket "Liberals are idiots" statements aren't really necessary are they?
Hunting and deep sea fishing - I've got nothing to contribute to this conversation.
Women are crazy conversations. Have I really become so much of one of the guys that I get to be party to these conversations?
Sports- I pay attention to sports so I can keep up with the conversation when necessary
Cars- I can keep up with this conversation, but really, I'm starting to find some validation in the fact that men who drive sports cars are compensating for something...unless you're retired and it's all about the fun factor..then it's okay.

Perhaps the best conversation of the trip is the "good ole day" conversation. The 80s when Real Estate was booming. My client was a developer and living the good life. Big house. More money then he could spend. Leveraged to the hilt. The broker I work with, his Dad was a big developer..same story. Both of them lost it all in the real estate bust. They spoke of how it was really ridiculous, the life of excess.. the "things" and the "status" that consumed them. That is was really God intervening in their life bringing them back to center when they lost it all and had to start again...meaning that had to live a much more humble existence. My client is one of the most Godly men I know and now lives a very modest life. The broker I work with confessed that he just wants a simple life.

I reflected.. I'm so glad my family, my life, hasn't been about keeping up with the "image." I haven't had a life of ridiculous excess... I gave up apologizing for my working class roots a very long time ago and I've decided that it's usually the really insecure people in the world that need to boast about "things" or "money" or "status." My family taught me the value of hard work and gave me every opportunity, but really strived to focus on people rather than things. I'm glad I can sit quietly in the back seat of the TrailBlazer on mute and not get my 30,000 word quota in. You learn to be thankful for your simple existence.

Gifts from Cole

Cole missed me. Which is nice, but being a two year old he shows me he missed me by punishing me with tantrums and melodrama..I was still glad to see my little man after being stuck in what felt like "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" on repeat. We ate dinner. We went outside to play..where Cole gave me several gifts. Two leaves and a handful of rocks that he was calling "cookies"

But the best gift from Cole was at bath time. I ran the bath and put Eucalyptus oil in my little man's bath because his allergies are bothering him.. and some bubbles. As we sat and talked he said "Mommy?" he then proceeded to grab his man part and make his own fountain... I had to duck to keep from feeling the spray. "Potty Mommy..." "Wow!!!"" I'm officially in boy overload..

After cleaning up and getting Cole to bed, I took my own bubble bath, did some laundry, and climbed into bed. I needed to refill my estrogen container after the last couple of days..so I watched my TiVo'd Dancing with the Stars.. did some praying and found myself really looking forward to some shopping with my girlfriends..

Down to One

2008-09-19T13:26:00.006-05:00

So "Down to One" is a good song by the great Melissa Etheridge. One of the best lines of the song is "sooner or later we all end up walking alone.." I've found myself thinking a lot about this. It's so true.

If, at some point, we're all alone.. I guess we better learn to love the one we're with. Right? I consider myself fairly lucky in that I enjoy my own company. I didn't always, but I'm thankful that after college and before I married.. I lived alone for nearly three years. It was during this time that I learned to tackle some ridiculous issues with doing things on my own. I lived alone with my dog "Sophie." I went to church alone. I went to movies alone. I went shopping alone. I worked out alone. The ultimate step in my "graduation" when I was a twenty something single girl was to sit at a table in a restaurant by myself and eat a meal...alone. I was reminded how far I've come this week, when between an appointment and a meeting, I pulled into my favorite salad dive and enjoyed my lunch on the patio, under the trees all by myself and loved every minute of it. I was thinking "I should have a date with myself more often.." This is nice. I read a chapter of a book. Turned off my Blackberry and just enjoyed the weather and my own company. I'm pretty decent company.

The point, I guess, is I'm so glad I had those years on my own. I think time like that gives us security that we can be alone, and if we chose not to be alone then that's huge. You can enter into relationship because you want to, not because you feel like you have to in order to avoid your own company.

When I first moved into my little apartment post college by myself. I HATED it. It was horrible. I'd just broken up with a long term boyfriend and here I was in this dumpy one bedroom apartment working my first real job, struggling to make ends meet. After a while I embraced it. I adopted Sophie. I decorated it. It was mine. I did what I wanted to, when I wanted to. I learned to do those things by myself. I learned to be good at my job. I made some great friends. I grew up. And when I got married and moved out of that dumpy apartment... I sort of grieved the loss of my single self. It happened on moving day. The family had gone ahead with the U-Haul to the house we were moving into. I'd stayed behind to clean up the apartment a little bit... my gal pal Rhonda had taken a load of the misc crap down to the car... I was alone in my little apartment. I just became sort of overcome. I started crying about the time my cell phone started ringing... it was my Dad.. "Ash where do you want me to put this..." He was calling to ask. He could tell I was crying. "What are you crying for?" He asked... " I don't know Daddy.." I replied. He said " I know what it is.. you don't want to leave that apartment because it's who you were before you got married..and it was yours.. now where am I putting this table?" That's so my Dad. He just throws the profound out there and moves on along before you have time to blink.. But he was right.

Time alone makes us who we are. So that we can be better when the right relationship does come along. It gives us perspective so we don't feel like we have to settle.

I have to give a shout out to one of my best girlfriends this week. One of the women who showed me how to embrace living alone. Because she's so comfortable in her own skin, she sent a seemingly nice (although a little aggressive) guy packing. You know who you are...I'm talking to you and I'm on your side. Glad you're not settling to avoid being alone. I'm proud of you.

OK that's all I've got. I'm done with my salad for lunch. I've typed this blog and it's time to get back to it. Holla!

Cole James

2008-09-15T09:47:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe that two years ago today I brought the most amazing little guy into the world. I was terrified, but the moment I held him my life changed. He looked at me with one eye open and my heart melted. I thanked God and realized that a life dream had come true. I'd always wanted a son and here he was. This perfect little creature that I had been entrusted to nurture through life.

I named him Cole because I felt it was a strong and timeless name. James because it's a family name on my Mom's side and one of the kindest, strongest, most compassionate men I ever knew was my grandfather James Thomas.

Those first few days I would hold Cole and openly sob because never could I have imagined loving someone so much. My ex was sure I was suffering from post partum depression, but I was really just overcome with joy. I felt so vulnerable. It was amazing.

I had every kind of sling imaginable. I wore Cole everywhere. I held him. I nursed him. I swaddled him, rocked him and soothed him. This precious little gift. When he was up in the middle of the night, that's when I would have some fairly serious conversations with God about the awesome responsibility He had given me with Cole. I'd pray. Pray for the wisdom to get it right. The patience to make the right decisions. The love to forgive all. The strength to be his Mom. The time to make an impression. These conversations with God led to a lot of raw emotion. It made me realize so many things about myself. It made me want to be a better person and I've sought to grow and become that person.

Leaving Cole to go back to work was so hard. I was able to be with him for 14 weeks and work from home quite a bit until he was 6 months old. The guilt was overwhelming, but really I had no choice. I am a working mother. I struggle with it often, but I'm hoping one day Cole will see that I manged to balance it. Sometimes not very well, but he's being raised by a strong, independent woman. Maybe that will help him learn to appreciate one in his adult life.

All of this before he ever even muttered Mommy. As the months have passed it has been amazing to watch Cole develop his own little personality. He's so tough and stubborn. Independent and feisty. He's smart and he's loving. He's funny. I hope I'm showing him how to be a Godly man. I'm hoping that he'll be compassionate and know how very much I love him. He's so chatty (I have no idea where he gets it from) He goes to sleep talking and wakes up talking. He's smiling most of the time. Running around most of the time. Such a joy for me. Especially when he says "Ok Mommy.." " Night Night Mommy.." "Love you Mommy.." when he says "No Mommy.." not so great...When he sits down on the ground and looks at me like "make me Mommy" again- not so great. When he finds and plays with Tobie's poo like yesterday...REALLY not so great...

I've blogged openly about my struggle with my divorce. The greatest weight in my decision was, of course, for Cole. I spent most of my life making decisions, staying out of trouble and away from boys because I didn't want to be a single Mom. Look how that turned out for me? God does have a sense of humor doesn't He? Someday, when he asks, I'll be honest with Cole about what happened between his father and I. I assure him constantly that his Dad loves him very much.

Two years. It has gone by so quickly. I can't believe it. What happens when I'm writing about his 18th birthday..What kind of man will my son be? Will I be able to give him every opportunity? Enough time? Will he hate me for the decisions I've made? These are the things that weigh on me. For the most part, I was able to keep it together while going through what I've been going through. Cole rarely saw me cry, but I cannot lie. There have been days in the past when it was too overwhelming. I'm embarrassed to admit this as we are to be strong for our kids. On one particular day (I'll call it my rock bottom) I just sat down on the kitchen floor..sobbing (quietly)..hoping Cole would pay attention to the Max and Ruby episode I'd just turned on and not me. Around the corner he toddled. "Mommy?" When he saw me, he put his arms around me and said "It's okay Mommy.." and then he sat down in front of me and smiled. How do you keep crying after that?

At almost two, Cole was right. It has been okay and it will continue to be okay. I find my greatest joy in being Cole's Mom. I've become stronger and wiser being Cole's Mom. I've known more sorrow and happiness being a Mom than I ever thought imaginable and it has been amazing. I've been changed by my son. I am thankful and grateful for the past two years. I cannot wait to watch him grow.

So Happy Birthday Cole James. I love you.

The Week In Review

2008-09-12T09:26:00.004-05:00

I've had one of those weeks. I probably should have stayed in bed. Nothing catastrophic, but annoying all the same.

So last Friday I had a flat tire. If you know me well, you know that I don't know how to change a flat tire. I'm embarassed to admit it, but I just don't. I can negotiate real estate deals, support myself, fix a lot of stuff around the house, make dinner, take care of Cole, multi task like there's no tomorrow.. but my version of changing a flat tire has been to walk to a pay phone (before there were cell phones) or call from my cell phone (when I finally got one) "Daddy, I have a flat tire..." I'm a little better now. I'll call roadside or AAA. Luckily, I was able to get my hands on some fix a flat and drive to NTB..where they repaired the tire.

Tuesday I had the customer service experience from *ell at the store I affectionately call Worst Buy... never, ever do the in store pick up. The morons managed to get me the wrong darn cable. I won't go into the entire experiece, but good grief. So by the time I got home with the wrong darn cable and needed it to hook something up to my TV,well that involved me getting extremely agitated and going back to the store where on the way I got behind some crazy teenage driver on the main street out of my community and when I passed him that's when the HVPD clocked me and I got pulled over for speeding. Damn you Worst Buy!! On a positive note: I negotiated my way out of the ticket and drove away with a warning.

Wednesday night..my right hand failed to communicate. My Blackberry 8703e died. Tragically. I was just getting the track wheel good and worn in. It only had a few scuff marks from Cole chucking it across the room. I had downloaded all of these cool ringtones from crackberry.com and then he (Blackberry) went and checked out on me. Damn you Blackberry!! When you represent a National Retailer who happens to be a wireless provider living without a pda/cell phone for 24 hours is similar to shipping off to Mars for the night or something. I'm expected to be dialed in.

After two hours at the wireless store, I left with the new Blackberry Curve. I'll let you know how our relationship progresses, but so far I'm digging the name: "Curve" I like anything that says curve. I'm a curvy girl. I've got some junk in the trunk so I think the Curve might just be the right PDA for me. I'll let you know.

When I departed the Wireless store I ran home and took Tobie to the PetsHotel for a play day/ grooming session. On our way in this nice guy with a German Shepard stopped to talk to us.. in the process Tobie yanked me across the green area and got about four inches of mud on my favorite peep toe, patent leather pumps, and because they are "peep toe" mud all up in my shoes and on my feet. Nice. We ran into the PetsHotel Manager (who loves Tobie) outside and she walked us in and witnessed the German Shepard exchange, gave a paper towel for my shoe and even helped me find some Bitter Apple so Togo will quit chewing on his paw. I dumped Tobie and headed back to the office...

By the time I landed at the office, the PetsHotel called to let me know that two fleas jumped off Tobie during playtime and she thought Tobie had picked them up from the German Shepard because he didn't have any flea dirt (what?) on him and no other signs that he'd been living with fleas. Damn you "man with the German Shepard!!" But she felt bad that Tobie had picked up the fleas under her watch and comp'd our day at the PetsHotel. Nice! I still felt the need to clean my house from top to bottom last night and crawled in bed just before midnight.

Finally today, I drop Cole off..drop my favorite teenagers at school on my way to the office..land at my favorite Starbucks to stumble in for some coffee and my key won't come out of the ignition of my car. It's stuck. I wrestle with it for a few minutes...then decide the morning will look so much better with some coffee. So I grab my wallet, my curve (to call someone when my car gets stolen) and stumble into Starbucks...where inevitably in front of me is the chick who's looking at the menu and says " Umm like.. I usually get a carmel macchiotto..but I'm sort of over it..what do you think?" The Barista runs through some drink choices and the ding bat is just sitting there twirling her hair going.."umm no..I don't think so.." Finally she orders. Then she wants a pastry. The process starts over again... I very nearly screamed " I'm suffering from PMS, I need coffee before my car gets stolen...go audition for the new Legally Blonde sequel or something... and get outta the way." I refrained. It wouldn't have been very nice of me....

I get to the counter..order my tall drip in a grande cup and get the heck outta dodge before I body slam the ding bat.. luckily my faithful VW is still parked in the lot (running) with the key in the ignition. I drive straight to the VW dealership where they are able to solve my problem. My faithful VW is becoming unfaithful. What to do?

There you have it. My week in review. As I reflect, I'm painfully aware that, yes, all these things did happen. At least my cell phone didn't die on the same day I got my flat tire, with a key stuck in the ignition of the car? I did negotiate my way out of a ticket and make a new Curvy friend...Someone's looking out for me I suppose.

Holla!

Choo Choo

2008-09-11T08:58:00.006-05:00

So Cole's Granny G G in California sent the little man a box of goodies for his birthday which is Monday. I'd given her the memo that he is obsessed with trains right now so in the box was a Thomas the Train Choo Choo flash light/push train/ new annoying kid toy.

I only gave him the one prize. "WOW!" He prolaimed and he was obsessed. We proceeded on with bathtime, dinner and snuggles. I had plans last night so one of the girls in the neighborhood baby-sat for me and actually put Cole to bed.

I get home before 10... The usual routine : pack the bags for tomorrow, take a bath, crawl into bed and over the video monitor I keep hearing these crazy sounds. I'm thinking "what the heck?" I look at the monitor and realize that Cole has negotiated for the new annoying choo choo to go to bed with him.. he's got it wrapped in his arms and he's even managing to turn the flash light on in his sleep. I laughed out loud. Cole was just laying there sleeping with a smile on his face.

"Choo Choo"

Faith

2008-09-10T09:39:00.013-05:00

1faith Pronunciation: \ˈfāth\ Function: noun Date: 13th century
1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs
synonyms see belief— on faith : without question

Faith. Where do I start? Talking about my Faith often makes me cry so getting through this blog will be a cleansing process I suppose.

What has amazed me about my walk of Faith is that no matter how many times I've tried to do it on my own... He finds a way to pull me back. Sometimes it's probably more of a He waits for me to fall flat on my face and then drags me along for a little while.... Wait, Jesus wouldn't drag me. He picks me up.

I think one of my first memories as a child is of my grandmother(Grandsam) piling on the bed with me, my brother and cousins every night before bed to say the Lord's prayer. She would make us all join hands and while we prayed if you opened your eyes you would see her watching all of us as we prayed. A gentle glow on her face.

So I was raised a good little Lutheran. Baptised and confirmed. Here's what Lutherans do really really well: we memorize creeds, books of the Bible, prayers, liturgy, confessions and hymns. We didn't actually read and discuss the bible at church (at least I don't remember doing so). Every Sunday we'd get dressed. My mom would do my hair, force my tom boy feet into some patent leather Mary Jane's and hand me my matching bag. Chris and I would usually fight in the back seat all the way to church where we'd go to Sunday school and sing our little hymns and do our Jesus related arts and crafts. Confirmation was two years of weekly meetings with the other kids my age and the Pastor. Here's where church got interesting for me- in my adolescence I was ridiculed CONSISTENTLY at church. The kids at church were obnoxious and little punks. It was more of a mating game than an actual learning experience. I began to hate church. When I approached the Pastor about what I was feeling, I was pretty much told I had to suck it up. It was the right advice, but I began to see organized religion as this place where I was more uncomfortable than anywhere else. In high school I drifted from the church, but not in my prayer and my faith. I did really began to grow frustrated with organized religion. I hated the bride of Jesus. How awful was I?

In college I bounced around between churches that had evening services . I prayed, but wasn't deliberate in my prayer. Life was just sort of happening to me and I didn't really talk with God about his plan for me. I think I was coasting along on the prayers of my Grandsam and my Mother. After college I landed a professional job and lived 20 minutes or so from the church I grew up in. So back I went. I was married in that church and later joined another Lutheran church on the other side of town close to where I bought my house. I didn't always attend regularly. My commitment to church and to God was not that strong if I am being truthful. I don't remember praying (other than with my Pastor) for my marriage. After I was married, I continued to pray, but I wasn't growing in Faith. I was stagnant. I was frustrated that I didn't think God was listening to me anymore. Really I was frustrated that He wasn't allowing me to tell Him how it should be. My brother, sensing my frustration, invited me to church with him. I went for several weeks and then decided not to go back because while I loved the church, I knew my Catholic ex-hubby would never appreciate the contemporary atmosphere. Something happened in my first weeks of visiting my brother's little church, but I wasn't quite ready for what would later be revealed to me.

Enter Cole and after he was born I knew I would need to attend some church regularly.. it was time to grow up. I was going to need help with the task at hand. I took Cole only one time to the Lutheran church where I was a semi regular member. I brought him by myself... and I just felt something was off. I knew I didn't want to raise my son in this type of church/political environment. I never went back. I told my ex that I would be taking Cole to my brother's church. I felt welcome there and I felt finally like I was ready to hear the message I would receive. I knew I would be challenged to grow in Faith. I knew the message would be real. I started opening my heart to Jesus and His bride (the Church).

So far it's been a beautiful partnership. I've laid it all out there for Him. I confessed that I turned away and made some fairly serious mistakes when I did so. I landed flat on my face and He met me where I was and pointed me in the right direction-Towards the little Church that I now call home to help me with my journey. There I felt His presence, enough so, that I began to expect it and look for it daily in my personal journey. What amazed me was that when I started really praying, I began to find clarity and began asking questions of the people in my life that I had been too weak to ask questions of in the past. I began to ask questions of myself. A lot of self forgiveness happened and I think some growth occurred along the way. Then I asked forgiveness from Him.

Now when I feel lost and helpless I don't forget where to turn. I stop. I pray. I try to wait and listen. I am exactly where I am suppose to be and I know if I trust - I will be okay. It's terrifying to be tasked with raising a son on your own. To be a single working mom and feel the weight of being the provider, the nurturer, the everything by yourself- every day. If I allowed myself to see it that way, I don't know that I'd have the courage to get out of bed everyday.

But I'm so not alone.

Resilience

2008-09-08T09:51:00.013-05:00

re·sil·ience
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s\ Function: noun Date: 1824
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress 2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

I blog today about resilience. It's something that lately I am trying to notice in people. Life is so hard and there are people who say "you know what? today was bad, but tomorrow will be better" and they channel the energy and make things happen. Then there are people who say "you know what? today was awful and tomorrow and the next day will be equally as awful.." until they are sucked down to become this piece of a person..defeated by life. A victim.

I realize I have had somewhat of a charmed life. My parents are still married and I have a good relationship with them. I consider my brother and my sister my friends. I have a great circle of friends, an amazing son and a lot of amazing people in my life. I have a good job that I don't hate and it pays the bills. I haven't had a life overwhelmed with sorrow, loss or uncertainty. I've lost people I cared about. I've tried to be the personal cheerleader for people wallowing in their victim mentality and failed miserably. I've had to work really hard and I don't always make great relationship choices (clearly) but even when I felt like life dealt me a big hand of crap I realize I have two choices:

Get up, learn from it, own my mistake and move on

Sit around being a victim asking "why"

I'm a "get up" kind of girl. I remember hearing ALL the time growing up "Can't never did anything.."

Where do you learn resilience?

Where do you learn to be resilient? I don't really know the answer to this. But I think you learn it by watching people in your life. It's always the people who are positive and say "I love life" that I feel drawn to be around. I think you learn it by spending a lot of time in prayer and trusting in God.

I think you learn to be resilient by picking yourself up a few times and when you feel compelled to ask "why" you already know that it's all part of God's plan and there was a lesson to be learned, a trial to endure or whatever because at the end of the day it has made you stronger, better, and more compassionate. There is always a reason.

I have blogged about Fear and Resilience because, well, I've been intrigued by a new parenting theory that teaches that the qualities we want for our kids are best learned by parents representing those qualities. No, I don't want Cole to have a fear based life.. I want him to know that his Mom had a lot of fears and I tried to face them. I want him to see that I've made mistakes but I've tried to be resilient in life. I want him to see my Faith. My loyalty to the people and things I care about. My compassion for the world. A work ethic. A love of life and a belief that something great is always just around the corner.

I'll worry about him cleaning his room later...

Holla!!

Mommy Juice

2008-09-05T09:19:00.008-05:00

Here's one for Cole's memory book... I sort of hesitate to post about it, but what the heck right?

So the other night a friend was over for dinner and we were about to open a bottle of wine and Cole is toddling around being his usual spunky self and as my friend gets the bottle from the wine rack to open.. Cole points at the bottle, smiles and says "Mommy's Juice.."

You're probably thinking I'm a lush? Not really. I do enjoy a nice glass of wine, but I don't think that means I need to be seeking out the local AA chapter...right? Definitely NOT one of my finer moments, but then again I don't have a lot of great ones do I?

Here's where I think he got it from... For a while he was obsessed with trying to climb the piece of furniture that holds the wine rack... he kept pointing at the bottles saying "juice juice" and I would say "No Cole- that's Mommy's Juice.." At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, he is stuck with me and my Mommy Juice... but I love him so!

What Would He Look Like?

2008-09-02T09:25:00.011-05:00

So every week I am tasked with homework. I'm 31 and still have weekly homework. I have small group/bible study homework, prayer homework and therapy homework. I talk openly about seeking out counseling and I've come to realize that it makes me a stronger, better person to have a "professional advisor" Sherri. She has become this safe sounding board for me and weekly she challenges me to grow.. So here I grow again.

This past week during the context of our session I was asked what my ideal mate would look like. Sherri said "Ashley if the perfect guy showed up- I'd want you to know what you were looking for..." So I've contemplated this for a week and jotted down a note here or there when I had a second to think about it. It's scary to actually think about this, but I'm getting good at facing fears so here goes (in no particular order):

1. He will be a Godly man
2. He will be kind and generous
3. Must love dogs and kids
4. Will feel a need to participate in community...I want someone who will share my desire to give back through charities, church or volunteer work. I think you have to pay it forward.
5. He'll dream big and work hard
6. He'll accept Cole as a part of his life and love him
7. Non Couch Potato
8. Love to travel
9. He will get my sometimes crazy sense of humor
10. He will respect my need for alone time
11. He won't let me run over him...sometimes I need to be told I'm wrong
12. He will be my partner who won't run away or shut down when things get rough
13. He will develop hobbies with me
14. He'll know how to deal with my sometimes difficult personality
15. He'll understand that I'm always striving to be better or do better and feel the same
16. He will be a good male role model for Cole
17. It would be nice if sometimes he knew what I needed before I did.
18. He'll pray with me
19. Affectionate
20. Not a slob ppllleeeaaassee
21. He will blend in with my family and friends
22. He’ll go to church with me
23. Love music
24. He will fight fair..no insults..no comments that can't be taken back or are just hurtful for the sake of being hurtful
25. If I've done something wrong- he'll tell me and give me the opportunity to plead my case, apologize or say I was wrong. No silent treatments please.
26. He'll think I'm fabulous even when I've lost it, burned dinner, had a bad hair day or am a wreck
27. He'll let me cry and realize that sometimes I just need to cry
28. He will know that I'm really not that tough
29. He will be my best friend. The first person I want to talk to everyday and the last person I want to talk to at night. The person I want to talk to about something good or bad... He'll work with me constantly on renewing our relationship.
30. He will read to me... and read actual books in general
31. Didn't think I would ever actually admit this- but I want a man to take charge sometimes. I'm tired of being in charge...
32. Great sense of humor and a great laugh
33. He will appreciate me. I try really hard in a relationship
34. He will forgive me for being hard on myself and the people I love
35. He won't be critical of me
36. It will be a true partnership…not just a relationship. There’s a difference
37. He'll love to live life

So I guess that's a pretty tall order after a week of thinking about it? I could probably come up with 30+ more qualifications, but I think those are the big ones. I guess now the list goes down in history and as I muddle through life I'll know when I meet someone that has what I'm looking for.

There's a movie entitled Meet Joe Black that I really like. Most people thought it was lame.. and at times it was. But there's a line in it that I love.. that I think sort of sums up good relationships for me anyway. Joe is speaking to "Quince" the less than agressive son in law of Mr Bill Parish and Joe asks him about whether or not his wife loves him? Quince is confident of his wife's love and responds (choked up of course) with "Because she knows the worst thing about me and it's okay..."

No questions asked. Total and complete acceptance. Is that really possible?

Fear

2008-08-25T20:45:00.001-05:00

As defined by Webster's Dictionary:

Fear is 1archaic : frighten2archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)3: to have a reverential awe of 4: to be afraid of : expect with alarm intransitive verb: to be afraid or apprehensive
— fear·er noun
note: it's also the title of one of my all time favorite Sarah McLachlan tracks

In my own personal experience Fear has been a crippling sort of paralysis. Most of the time my fear is based on making the wrong decision or failure or being hurt. I always want to evaluate the potential risk against the reward.

I blog about fear today because well, where would I be right now if I had let fear be my ultimate decision maker? Good thing I already know the answer (for once): I'd be trapped in a bad marriage...too afraid of the unknown and comfortable in my own sort of isolation to make a change.

When I look back on my life, I always think about all the times I was too afraid just to make a decision or afraid I would fail that those thoughts kept me from just jumping without thinking. It's these moments I would go back and do over if I could. But then again those moments might impact where I am today and frankly I like today (yes you read that statement correctly).

Finally... I have reached a place where I'm done trying to please everyone and on some level I have to be done being afraid to make a mistake. I want to look back on life and say " I lived it." Don't get me wrong I want to live life being respectful of the people I care about, taking care of my son, my family, and myself. But maybe I should stop being afraid all of the time and just have faith in God and myself?

If the past year has done anything for me, it has shown me that I'll figure out how to get through life no matter what happens. Somehow, someway I've got to figure out how to not always second guess people and to trust that their motives are good. What would happen if I let go of those fears of disappointment?

To be continued....

I'm tired and looking forward to a hot bath in my big tub, reading, praying and maybe I'll have a date with TiVo. I think he has a few surprises for me. Holla!

Dan in Real Life

2008-08-17T21:48:00.002-05:00

So a couple of weekends ago I stumbled into my neighborhood Blockbuster to rent Cole a "me me" that Cole speak for Movie. He wanted Bee Movie.. again. I should just buy the darn thing already. So I perused the store looking for a "me me" for me. I settled on Dan in Real Life.

I was pleasantly surprised. Poor Dan from the opening scene I could sort of relate to the schmuck. Sleeping on his designated side of the bed- waking up in the morning and looking longingly at the other side. I was shaking my head at this point muttering to myself- "Dan move on over to the middle... it makes things a lot easier.." Dan is sleep deprived or disturbed (again I can relate) and is doing laundry and packing lunches long before any of us have even thought of pressing the snooze button. Dan is a single Dad. His wife having died some years earlier.

Enter a road trip with his three daughters for a long weekend at Dan's parents' house where it seems Dan has more brothers and sisters than I care to count. So Dan's mom sends him out- Dan needs a break and while at the neighborhood book store- Dan meets" the one"... and it all becomes this bizarro love triangle.. complete with Dan's own version of "Let my love open the Door.." and well I won't spoil the surprise for you but at the end of the movie.. Dan says something I find somewhat profound (okay not profound but I liked it) He says "what do we tell our kids when they are talking about their plans for their life... we should tell them to plan on being surprised.." Yep. Right you are Dan in Real Life I should have planned on being more surprised... things certainly haven't turned out the way I thought they would- but I can't help but think something better is just around the corner. " Plan on being surprised.."

Girlfriends

2008-08-08T00:00:00.002-05:00

So one of my favorite movies is Fried Green Tomatoes.. "The secret is in the sauce. I know you're shaking your head- but it's a good movie. I love movies about Southern women. I have a theory.. women from up north well they are sassy.. Women from the South, well we've got spunk. Idgy Threadgood in Fried Green Tomatoes has got the spunk part down.. But one of my favoritest lines in the movie is when Jessica Tandy's character tells Kathy Bates .. "you need to get yourself some hormones and some girlfriends.." I'm so glad I have mine.. the pic to the right is just a few of them- but I'm lucky to have amazing women in my life. I wish that they all saw how great I think they are.. they are all entirely too hard on themselves. I look around at the women I know and think "You're pretty amazing.." So I make it my thing to try to tell one of the amazing women in my life something positive everyday. " You look great in that color.. You're an awesome Mom.. You're having a good hair day.."

I have girlfriends who are like 2nd moms to me, and girlfriends that have struggled with addiction. I have girlfriends that are "power women" and girlfriends who are stay at home moms. Some of my girlfriends have committed partners and some of them are married. Some are single... or are soon to be married. I treasure them all... my eclectic group of friends. When I've been at my lowest it's these women who've picked me up most often. My mom gave me very valuable advice when I started in my 1st serious relationship a long time ago... she encouraged me to maintain those friendships and not let myself get all consumed with the business of a relationship. I'm glad I've taken that advice to heart- because well, where would I be right now if i hadn't maintained friendships?

I certainly wouldn't be sitting at my computer with my jaw sort of aching from laughing so much over sushi, martinis and a movie...I wouldn't have had them calling me often just to check in and make stupid conversation with me.... I wouldn't have felt prayers and gentle support. I think as women we're more supportive of each other because-well we know what it's like to feel alone or unappreciated or isolated as mothers, sisters daughters, & wives. Sometimes the best thing we can do for a friend is make them laugh or remind them that they are not alone...or tell them that they are amazing.

My closest friends, well we sort of have a pact. We don't get angry about forgetting to return a phone call, or being a few minutes late, or messing up on the little stuff. Life is too rough for us not to offer the other complete support. We often joke... You're really someone's freind if you'd bail them out of jail, not ask any questions and not tell a soul. And then we joke about adjoining rooms in the nursing home...

So in the midst of the randomness I hope you can see that this is a blog to celebrate those female relationships that we all need to struggle through all things relational. So go on..get yourself some girlfriends... and laugh. Then go snuggle up to your men.

I've got a date with my man: TiVo. Holla!

The Couples Bridal Shower that Didn't Suck

2008-08-01T13:50:00.013-05:00

So I had a couple's bridal shower last weekend. It was actually for my big bro and rockin Rachel. While I couldn't be happier for Chris and Rachel... and am so jazzed that they are getting married, you can imagine "couples" things aren't really on the top of my "to do" list.

As we got the final headcount on Wednesday last week, there were 23 confirmed guests including the hostess'. Woo hoo!! Nothing like being that 23rd person. 11 couples and me. Good times.

Me, Rachel's awesome bridesmaid, and her two sisters were putting this shindig on in Ft. Worth. I volunteered for cake, decorations, paper products, fruit and some other misc stuff. The other girls were going to provide more of the "eatings" and the booz. Which I was told was beer and sangria. My rationale for volunteering for the cake was simple. First of all-I'm a little obsessed with cake and secondly after I'd become severely depressed about this "couples" hoopla I wanted some decent cake to dive into and to console myself with chocolaty or cream cheese frosting.

I also came equipped with my own bottle of wine because I can only drink so much beer and I was going to need some major liquid courage. I found it in the yummy sangria that was there. Also helping me along was Mr. Wonderful. He was in my bag and just a joke to myself to remind me to laugh at my situation. I didn't' need my hidden bottle of hooch and the shower was a blast! It was so much fun. And I wasn't the only one flying a solo mission which made it even better!!

As the evening wound down, I packed up my VW and headed home. For giggles I yanked Mr. Wonderful out of my bag. Hit the "press me" button and on que he said " You know honey, why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight.." I laughed. Cranked my stereo and drove on.