A Fashion Makeover Please

If you have followed my journey over the last year- you know I've been sort of busy. Busy focusing on alot of emotional garbage, trying to raise my son on my own, and working. Now that the dust has cleared and I have a little clarity- it's become painfully obvious that I've taken care of Cole, the house, the emotions, and my physical self-but I haven't had time to focus on the fact that I've lost all the baby weight & then some and none of my clothes fit and I have dozens of suitable black outfits for a funeral. Literally I am swimming in a sea of black... brown and gray are in there too.

Shopping for me consists of the following: I buy all my clothes from the same 2-3 stores because I know what size I am and I don't have to try anything on. I even shop on line. Shopping with a two year old crawling under the fitting room doors or sticking his finger in my belly button isn't that appealing to me. If it's black I buy it. My friends and people who love me make fun of my jeans..my wardrobe.. I'm in a rut. I know it. I just haven't had the time or resources to do anything about it and it's been dragging me down lately. I finally feel good about myself and the closet is a sea of depression for me. I walk in and know I'm putting one the same uniform day in and day out. Slacks, heels and a top for work... or jeans, a t-shirt, and converse on the weekend (mama's dressed for speed). All of it's black. *sigh* How did I get here? You know it's bad when you actually put on a skirt for work and the guys you work with notice and even say "Ashley I didn't know you had legs.."

I was putting away my laundry the other night and just started crying looking at my closet. It's as if I feel like a new person- and the clothes represent the old me..the old life where no one really noticed me so it didn't matter what I put on.

I decided to do something about it. Tuesday during lunch was my first adventure... and Wednesday night I went shopping for non mom jeans. Some that actually fit me. I picked Cole up that afternoon and told him that I needed him to go shopping with me... that Mommy was going to do something for her. I just accepted that Cole would crawl under the door and situated myself in a fitting room with no one next me. I made friends with the sales girl and entered the room with about 10 pairs of jeans. She kept throwing jeans over the door.. by the time I left- I'd tried 60 pairs of jeans on. I'd made friends with the entire sales team..as had Cole. I'd never asked so many people in one sitting how my butt looked? I was sweating from trying on all these crazy jeans and never knew that there was so many different pairs of jeans that could make a mom butt look good. I bought two pair. One pair is being hemmed at the store and the others are in the car. I'll seek committee approval when I see the girlfriends this weekend. I think they will be proud...

It's the first step. When I get my bonus in a few weeks-instead of saving every little bit of it- I'll allocate some funds to shop. You're talking to the girl that had Cole's college fund set up when he was still in the womb... so I won't feel guilty about it. I work hard and I should do my part to stimulate the economy right?

I'm tired of looking like a tired Mommy because the truth of it is- I'm freaking exhausted- but in the best possible way. Cole's at such a fun age, I am seeing someone who's really great, I have a decent job that I'll hopefully be able to weather these crappy economic times with, I have amazing friends, a schitzy dog, and all in all life is finally looking up. So I think it's time the clothes reflected it.

Holla!

Thoughts on Being Mommy

The great thing about the crappy weather last week and Cole being extremely overdue for his 2yr vaccinations is I had an excuse to spend some time with Bubba. Yes- I affectionately call Cole -Bubba. Spend any amount of time with him and you'll see that it fits.

Most girls dream about weddings and perfect houses and perfect husbands and all that crap- but for me I wanted to be a Mom. And I am. Being a single, working mother challenges me daily in ways I never thought possible. I am nearly certain that my head can spin around while still attached to my body when Cole is being particularly demanding, but I never get more agitated than when work infringes on my time with Cole or at home...

There are times that I wish I could have just a guilt free moment to myself that didn't occur at 12am when I stay up too late catching up on TiVo. Honestly, there are days that I just tell God "I can't handle one more thing.." and I get a little angry at my situation. The reality is He never gives us more than we can handle and that's generally when Cole will come around the corner with a bag of cookies and say "Mommy I want this nok.." or "No Mommy I don't" or shout "M O M M Y" even though I've only stepped into the next room. Then there's "Mommy I watch Monkey George" and he starts his galloping/dancing routine when the music comes on...My favorite is still when I say "I love you Cole" and he says "I juve you Mommy" and buries his head for a hug. That's what makes my world go round.

I think having kids teaches us to be less selfish. To love unconditionally. To realize you're stronger and can do more than you ever thought imaginable if it means providing for or taking care of your child. I think about how much I love Cole and then reflect on the fact that God loves me infinitely more and I find a little peace.

I find myself a little nervous. I'm going to have to take Cole to see a pediatric urologist and surgery is in our future. My little man seems so little to have surgery. Any surgery has a risk and I'm worried. He's my baby and I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to him. If only these Doctors knew the grilling they had in store. I can be particularly obnoxious when it comes to Cole. Shocking I know.

So one day when I pick and choose blog posts where I don't curse or complain and that pertain to Cole for his Baby Memoires. Here's one for the book. Cole I'll never say being your Mom was easy- but I've loved it and it has changed me in ways I never thought possible. So we'll take you to a couple of pediatric specialists and pick the best of the bunch. We'll handle this too.