Progress

Today is Ash Wednesday. The beginning of the Lenten season. It is customary to give up something for the season of Lent to be reminded of the sacrifice that was made for us. My pastor suggested that I should think about giving up blogging..while I marinate on that sacrifice and decide if that's something I should do..this could be my last blog for a while... or not. I could just give up mommy juice. Coffee isn't an option if we're thinking about the well being of those who love me...so there you have it.

I've found myself reflecting a little this week. I vowed not to look back on 2008 in my first blog of 2009.. but this is me we're talking about.

Cole spent the day and night with his Dad this past weekend. A first sleepover since the split. I talked about it all week so he'd be excited. I kept telling him that Saturday he was going to spend the night with his Daddy and Tobie and it would be so much fun. Meanwhile I had a ball of fear wallowing around in my stomach. It truly made me a nervous wreck to think about it. Luckily, Saturday I had plans to shop and have lunch with the girl friends and Saturday night I had plans to take Marketing Boy to dinner for his birthday.. all good distractions. I called to check on him before bed and he seemed happy enough... So I made it through the night without too much fear or worry.

I've always joked about divorce ettiquette. I've tried so hard not to speak badly about Cole's Dad. Because honestly, we had some good years... In my heart I know Will is a good guy, it was just clear that we didn't want the same things for Cole or for the family. We weren't on the same page. It's sad and tragic, but we were never truly partners. However, without those years I wouldn't have Cole and I'll always be glad that Will and I had Cole.

As I reflect over the past year..it was about this time last year that I knew it was over. The decision was made.. steps were taken. The past year has been hard because Will has been so very angry with me and he let me know it.. It felt like every chance he got. I am proud to say that I never waivered. I didn't indulge in the verbal assaults (at least to him- girlfriends, friends and family don't count right?).. I vowed to take the high road and trust me there were times when all I wanted to do was go postal. To just lay it all out there and lash into him for all of the hurt..for all the years of indifference.. ..but I refrained. He had to work through it at his own pace as well.

The past few times Will and I have talked.. I would say it's been pleasant. It doesn't feel like he's angry at me anymore. We coordinate the details and are cordial. He seems happier and I'm relieved. I think he finally realizes that it was for the best. He's moved on and he seems content in his new relationship. I wanted that for him. I prayed for it for him, so I'm thankful.

After the Daddy sleepover this weekend.. we were missing a binky. I texted Will to see if he had it. He replied that he did and told me what a great job I was doing with Cole. There were times that I never thought we'd get here..but that's what I call progress.

The Present

So this morning was a little dramatic. Cole fell down and hit his head pretty hard. Maybe it's because he was trying to get out the door in a pair of Mommy's heels and his Converse? You're probably reading this thinking.." Umm Ashley- why were you letting Cole walk around in your heels?" I was trying to get to work people. I had Cole to drop off and kids to drive to school. Ever gotten ready for work with a two year old holding up every possible product, make up brush, or tweezer and asking "Mommy what's this?" Or turning the hair dryer off and on repeatedly? It can get a little overwhelming. So I figured if he wanted to walk around in heels and it would give me a minute to find mine- we were going to roll with it. He did great in the house-- it was when we were trying to load up the car that it became a challenge. I even said "Cole let's take Mommy's shoes off and then BAM! He fell and I mean hard. Then it was on. The mega meltdown. The crying. The shaking. The kicking. The squealing.. the looking at me like "Mommy why did you let me walk around in your heels?" And I realized I probably shouldn't have done that. I felt fairly horrible. I couldn't get him calmed down. He was clinging to me like he was drowning. In my head I was chanting "bad mommy bad mommy." Five minutes later the melt down subsided. Cole moved past it and we were on to just sniveling and sniffing and wiping tears from our face. We both needed to change our clothes at this point. The drama of it all. Being 2 is hard work.

Back in the house we went. I got him changed first. Then went looking for something suitable for me to wear to work. It was about that time Cole came toddling in my closet.. "Mommy!! Here you goes..present..." I thought it was really sweet until I realized what I'd just taken out of his hand was a booger. Gross.