Confessions of A Step Mother

Here’s what I’m going to say about being a step mother after muddling thru almost a year of this complicated "title" and it’s brutally, brutally honest: It isn’t for wimps, and don’t embark on this journey without a licensed professional keeping you in check and lots of Mommy Juice. OK so I’m slightly kidding on the licensed professional thing…slightly.

When Jay and I started dating Hudson was 5 and Abigail was almost 7. We didn’t date in front of the kids… we would occasionally get together for a zoo outing or chuck e cheese or the like with all three kids. We didn’t show affection, or make any declarations of a “relationship” to any of the kids. When things became more serious, I started seeing the kids twice a month or so for a movie date and that was the extent of it. Once we became engaged I usually saw them every Saturday that they were with their Dad and we’d try to plan fun excursions for them.

Someone once told me that if you marry someone with kids, you immediately have to love their children, but I think they are completely wrong and you put all kinds of ridiculous pressure on the kids, yourself, and the relationship to feel this compelling love for someone else’s children. It just doesn’t happen overnight and I’ve learned not to beat myself up over it. Do I love my step children and want the best for them? Absolutely. Do they have a deep rooted bond with me? Absolutely not. Do I think they love me? A little. Will it come? Only time will tell, but if it doesn’t, that can’t define me… and as a woman, a mother, someone genetically predisposed to be able to bond with children, it took me a long time to get there and I still have to remind myself of it every day.

Eb and Flow

If you’re a mother, think of all the disgusting parts of your day to day existence when you have kids. Let’s be real: you change diapers, you exist with spit up on your clothes, you nurse them when they are sick, console them when they are sad, clean up all of their nasty messes, scrub stains from their undies, occasionally you venture to the back seat of your car where there is no telling what sort of science experiment you will find and ask youself: What the Hell??? You deal with their moods, their temperament, and their bad days. You celebrate their small victories and offer up lots of hugs and unconditional love. You bath them, you battle to feed them something nutritious, you tuck them in, pray with them, fall into bed exhausted and get up in the morning just to do it all again. You do this in conjunction with trying to teach them manners, respect, doling out necessary discipline, and trying oh so hard to shape them into functioning adults. You do this in conjunction with working at a job you hate because it pays the bills and provides security. And if you’re a mother, you know exactly why you do all of this: because you can’t imagine loving anyone more than you love your kids. I think God gives us children so we can begin to fathom the unconditional love and grace He shines down on us mere humans. Their happiness becomes your happiness and at the end of the day nothing makes me feel better than my son’s blind adoration. At some point it won’t be there, but for now it is and that in and of itself makes all of the crap you deal with daily and all of the inner demons you battle worth it. When he says “Mommy I love you…” for no reason at all, that gives me the courage to get up and do it all again tomorrow and look for the best possible stain removers on the market.

Now imagine doing it for kids that have no blind adoration for you what so ever… none. In fact, after you’ve done their laundry, packed their lunch, entertained their friends, searched 10+ stores for jeans to fit them, cleaned their room and made them their favorite meal, they will want to call their Mom at the end of the day when it’s time to go to sleep and you have served your purpose. You kept their world turning for the day and while you’ve blindly done it because it’s what you would do for your own kids, you walk away feeling used, unappreciated, and exhausted. Stepmother: it ain’t for wimps.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I never ever, for any reason, will try to take the place of their own mother. It’s not my intent,my place, nor do I want the full time role. There are years there that I wasn’t present for and a biological bond. They most certainly didn’t choose me, and I completely respect that. But it’s terribly hard not to take the act of being a “mother figure” without being a “mother” in stride at times. The thing I hear over and over again, that makes me want to scream: you can’t take it personally. How the heck can you not? Before you start in on telling me that I’m the adult and it’s not the kids’ responsibility to validate me emotionally- I couldn’t agree more.

I'll talk more on this evolving relationship with the new direction of my blog. For those of you reading this thinking I’m whining or complaining. Stick with me. That’s not my intent. My intent is to lay the ground work for talking about what I call the small miracles along the way…and when you’re blending a family you have to look for the small miracles daily. Otherwise you’ll loose your mind..and mommy juice isn't an option for me right now..

Holla!

Failure to Launch

As I struggle through parenthood.. hoping oh so hard to get it right and knowing that I am inevitably causing irreparable damage when I, on occasion, I don't know, lose it with my kids..I've come to some fairly deep revelations about differences in parenting style and what might cause such differences... and I've made some correlations.

You parent with one of two objectives (if you're honest): A) Giving your child the life skills they need to go out and make it on their own in this world or B) Encouraging your child to be dependent on you (on some level) for the remainder of his or her life.

With either objective, you clearly love your kids. You want the best for them. Your vision of what's best is just slightly skewed depending on your objective.. the one that is buried deep within you. Don't get me wrong, when I think of an empty nest or taking Cole to college or financially cutting him off in the event he chooses not to go or the worrying that will inevitably come with the "launch" I tear up. But I want my kids to have happy, fulfilled, successful lives and for them not to be dependent upon me. I don't want to raise grandchildren (though I certainly would if I had to). I want to enjoy them. I don't want to be financially supporting four kids after we've kicked their butts all the way through college... and after a while, I don't need any of my adult children living with me. They should go forth and prosper.. and prosperity shouldn't include my pocket book.

On the other end of the spectrum is the parenting style where on some level you always want your kids to need you. You always bail them out. You don't expect them abide by the same rules as other kids... You're the parent at the parent teacher conference who when the teacher says "____ could really use some assistance with_____" that answers that statement with : "well perhaps you could do a better job of teaching" Of course there are times where this is absolutely true, but also times where you as the parent have failed to give your kid some sort of skill and will make excuses for the rest of his or her life rather than looking in the mirror.

I've been told in this life that I have unrealistic expectations of people. And at times, that I am wrong to have expectations of my children.. Frankly, I admit my short comings freely, but if I don't expect my kids to behave, be mannerly, functioning and expect respect- tell me, who will?

Here's the cold, hard, truth in parenting (in my humble opinion). You can't protect your child from every heartbreak.. They'll never learn to move forward. You can't protect them from the sinful nature of this world. You can only talk frankly with them about it and instill a different moral boundary. You can't always fix their problems- they'll never learn to take responsibility. You can't always make excuses for them... Sometimes they need to suffer consequences. You can't always bail them out... They'll expect it the rest of their lives.

I've been pretty frank about becoming a step parent and dealing with that transition. Jay has the opportunity to parent his kids approximately 40% of the time. We have expectations in terms of behavior, manners, respect, & contributions to the family unit.. Our love is not a dependent one and it's a struggle. Frankly, their mother who moved back in with her parents and is re-evaluating the need for a career by returning to school- touts frequently "My Children are my life and my first priority.." And she certainly parents to this extreme. She's their friend, not always a parent and is raising them to be extremely dependent. It's frustrating. Abigail and Hudson are amazing kids and they have to bounce back and forth between the different expectations and I'm not sure who is right?

Hudson is the natural athlete in our family and as such, we try to boost self esteem by playing this skill up. Last year at his soccer game, he was kicked in the shines... Trust me, it was painful.. He decided to sit out. He ran directly to his mother's lap where she coddled, stroked him, babied and re-assured him for the remaining 45 minutes of the game. Jay was pacing saying "Why isn't she sending him back in?" Hudson is one of the team's best players. It's awesome that Hudson is so loved... But there was a lesson here for Hudson to learn: When life knocks you down take a minute, re-group, but get back in the game..that's mine and Jay's expectation, but when your love cripples your children to complete dependence and a an athletically gifted kid is sitting in his mother's lap like he's still a dependent toddler... I wonder, are you failing your child as a parent? How is this example any different than a grown woman, running directly back to her parents to take care of her when the divorce is final?

Time will tell. By no means am I perfect parent and I frequently get it wrong, and while I love my kids more than anything..I also love them enough to be tough on them. To have expectations and to invest the time in teaching them life skills. Because, I honestly couldn't handle a failure to launch and when you sign up to be a parent, you give up the ability to take the easy way out. Holla!