He "ssshhhd" Me

So I was laying down with Cole last night winding down for the evening...he was having some Go n Grow... we'd read a b-o-a-p (that's code for book) said our prayers, and were on to our allotted TV viewing..last night it was Shrek 2 and while we we watched the movie I asked him a question and he said "sssshhh...Ma"

What has happened? I'm already being sssshhh'd? It goes by so quickly... I can't believe it.

Home At Last!!

Did it again. I don't know how I manage to hit "return" and suddenly I've posted just a title? But the moral of the story is another Vegas ICSC is completed for the record books. I'm home. Have a mountain of laundry to do. Some plants that need some recessitating..a dog that's a nervous wreck, and a fairly bitter toddler.

So my trip was productive. Lots of good meetings at ICSC. Got some deals made..got some killed..and I managed to leave the convention without my feet bleeding this year. I did however lose my drivers license somewhere at DFW on the flight out and in order to come home had to subject myself to some rather violating security screening procedures. I should have had the friends overnight me the passport. But I made it home and was so happy to see my Bubba. Who wouldn't let me put him down for the longest, but quickly decided that it was time I was punished for leaving him for three days. Let's keep in mind that he was in the best of care: Good friends Rhonda and Leslie moved into our Sunny Point Palace and doted on my little man like there was no tomorrow. I left a video of me reading stories, saying prayers and telling him how much I love him? I called him everyday and he still had to throw himself on the floor repeatedly every time I didn't let him get away with something. My little guy's way of saying "Payback is a wippen Ma..." Regardless- toddler tantrums are better than Vegas any day.

Thank God for my totally amazing friends who took such good care of Cole and of me when I was struggling with this trip. It was especially hard for me to leave him this time given all of the changes we have going on, but once again God's totally taking care of me. For me that happens with the people he sends to be a part of my life and the peace that comes over me when I pray and say I need His guidance. I managed to get my job done (well I might add) and hopefully I've earned my keep in the workforce a little longer.

So when you have a trip like this- it's certainly difficult- but there are a couple of perks: Nice Dinners Out with clients and co-workers. Nice wine. Nice cocktails. I have to admit sleeping in a hotel room with no household chores has some perks. Sleeping SOUNDLY because you don't have to worry about not waking up if someone's crying in the middle of the night, but my favorite part is reading two books un-interupted during my little hiatus. Read them both cover to cover on the plane and I have some recommended reading: The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (cried my eyes out on the way to Vegas) LOVED IT. Amazing book. Great Read. Read it and decide if you're Tiger or Eeyore and what you do with the brick walls in your life?

Another good read.. James Patterson-Sundays at Tiffany's. Wow. I love Mr. Patterson and read all of his books in the Alex Cross series or the Women's Murder Club series..but every once in a while he writes one of those poignant relationship addressing books that I just end up loving. My favorite to date is Sam's Letters for Jennifer. As it's about the relationship between a grandmother and grandaughter and how they sustained much of their relationship thru letters... But Sundays at Tiffany's is good too: What would you do if your imaginary friend from childhood showed up in your adult life? Funny.. I didn't mind having to sit on the jet way to take off in Vegas or freak out when my flight was delayed leaving DFW. I'd prayed. He had it under control and was giving me an opportunity for a little self care and I took it and am thankful for the time and the people He brings into my life and the lessons He is teaching me in my current situation.

I'm not flying the plane. None of us are. So I'm learning to get good at enjoying the in flight entertainment and the company of other passengers. And now I'm going to go enjoy putting clean sheets on my bed, taking a bath in my tub and snuggling with my Tobie dog.

Ma

So when I thought of all the names that Cole might call me. I thought there would be Mom, Mommy, Mama for a while it was Meee.... Now I'm just Ma. Not quite sure how that happened but I guess it works. Kinda fits my little man. He's much too busy for much more than M-A. I guess in his mind it gets the job done.

Mother's Day
Sort of a new concept for me still. I always think to get my Mom something and do something for her, but haven't really started to comprehend that I'm part of the club now. I knew I always wanted to be a Mom, but had a very LARGE fear about actually becoming one. What an awesome responsibility and I was confident that I would find some way to mess it up- but maybe I haven't. God keeps sending me reinforcements.

The most difficult thing for me has been comparisons in my mind to my own mother. My pastor spoke of the sacrifices his own Mom made for him in his childhood and it made me admire the sacrifices my Mom made for me. She stayed home with two kids. Cloth diapers. Cleaned houses on off hours when she was a skilled RN, she made nearly every piece of clothing we had, and managed to do all of it without my brother or I ever knowing we struggled financially. She also managed to volunteer at church, at our school and perhaps her biggest sacrifice was decent wine for the occasional Boones Strawberry Hill with her girlfriends.

Big shoes to fill when you come home to a Mom who had cookies waiting or a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Or had a Mom who stayed up half the night sewing one of my formals which was a knock off of some random dress I'd seen on Beverly Hills 90210. So when it's time to look at yourself in the mirror as a Mom- you think I couldn't possibly be the Mother my Mom was. This was the source of great conflict between my Mother and I in those 1st months of being a Mom. I misunderstood every suggestion as criticism and was defensive. Every compliment I was sure was some backhanded insult...but the truth of it is...Mom's, I don't think can ever turn off trying to take care of their kids. It doesn't come with an "off" switch.

I got it
Now my Mom & Daughter relationship is much better. Because I finally got it. It hit me upside the head as things usually have to... I don't think until you're a parent you understand how much your own parents love you. And then there's a moment when you recall every time you smarted off or weren't appreciative or how many times you must have just ripped your parent's heart out and the best part... they love you anyway. They just can't help it.

One of my good friends Leslie who is pretty amazing in her own right. She was young and in love and found herself pregnant at 18. She married her high school sweetheart and he later died and she was 19 or 20. ..alone and had a daughter to raise. That daughter is now 25 and Leslie frequently relates a current relationship or friend to the following:
"I love him. I'd do anything for him...but I'd push him in front of a bus if it meant saving my daughter..." And I always laugh. Every single time. Because however random this statement is...there's a little truth to it.

When I was pregnant with Cole I worried that I wouldn't have that maternal instinct. I remember thinking: How can I be a good Mom? I HATE being pregnant. The first time I felt him kick was in the car on the way to work. Bitter because I couldn't have any coffee and I felt my tummy flutter..and at first I was annoyed because it reminded me of that tummy flutter you get right before a big meeting or a first date or a presentation and I was stopped at a red light and I felt it again. And then lightening struck and I felt like a complete and total idiot and again the thought of "i really suck at this maternal thing..."

Defining Moment
We all have them. Moments that we found ourselves in that we knew would change everything. I found out I was pregnant with Cole the day before I lost my Grandsam. She was a guiding light in my life. I didn't get to tell her about Cole. But it was one of the last conversations I had with her. My fear of parenthood and getting it wrong. She always said the right thing.. she said
" you'll get it right sugar babe... you always do" and then she smiled at me and winked. And 40 weeks later.. another defining moment.

Cole James Peterson (the outlaw future bull rider) He was in a hurry to get here. Most 1st time mothers labor for hours. I was induced the night before...but had advised the family at 7am that it would be afternoon before Cole's grand entrance. I got an epidural 20 minutes before Cole was born... I was finally relaxing in my epidural coma after hours of profanity when the Dr came in and said it was time to start pushing.. Cole's heart rate wasn't normal. Old me would have started freaking out. Mom me knew I couldn't. But I did proclaim.. " I can't start pushing my Mom's not here.." (funny how that works). The NICU team came in to be ready if they needed to be and for me I think that's when the Mom thing finally kicked in or maybe it was the epidural.

With a little help Cole joined the world at 9:42am. Like I said... my little guy was in a hurry and hasn't stopped since. And the first time I held him: Life changing moment. Nothing would ever be the same. My Faith is stronger. My Family relationships are better. I'm better at asking for help and admitting I'm wrong. I get that I can't do it on my own. I need help from who ever God sends in my life and so far he hasn't sent anything but greatness.

And that Mama Bear instinct I was so afraid I wouldn't have.. Now I don't worry about having it. I worry about controlling it?

But I think the moral of this random blog tonite is that something happens when you're a Mom. A day to celebrate it and recognize Mom's is great-but even on those days Cole drives me to seek out a glass of wine..it just doesn't get any better than being his Ma. Until of course he's a teenager and tells me I've ruined his life. Then all bets are off.

Alrighty. There's some Tivo'd American Idol waiting for me...and I should have been getting myself together for a business trip next week and closing on my house again and getting instructions for my amazing friends who are staying with Cole next week while I'm working... This procrastination thing is starting to agree with me. Holla!

Brudder

So BIG NEWS...well it's not so recent big news but the older brudder (Chris) is getting married to the most fabulous girl- Rachel. They were engaged earlier this month.

Rachel Rocks
Rachel truly does rock. Very down to earth, humble, small town Texas girl and all that means. She's very intelligent & level headed....and she's really pretty too, but doesn't know it. My Grandsam always said that's the best kind of pretty.

She's the kind of person who rolls up the sleeves and gets to work. She can talk about most anything, her faith is amazing and to top it off she's awesome with kids! Cole just loves her. Too bad she's marrying into this family... (hee hee)

She's everything I prayed my bro would find...and it's a good thing. I was starting to think God had me on mute.

The Brudder

So posting how much I love my future sister in law.. I also felt it necessary to post some valuable intel on the older Brudder

Growing up with Chris was interesting. He was the creative one and I was the not creative one. He's super uber intelligent and I'm not always the brightest crayon in the box. I was better with extra curricular stuff- but Chris was totally the brain who didn't really have to try at it. He knew from a very early age that he was called to do what he does and knew that writing creative stuff would be there to. I think his Spiritual relationship developed much more deeply and at an earlier age than mine. But even being as different as night and day- we've always managed to get along & even be friends but usually after we beat each other to pulp or I received belch in my face or a fart n run ...."Hey ash!" fart and walk out and then close the door.

Provoker

He was always the one to do the provoking and I always reacted. He's an expert at figuring out what pushes your buttons and well sometimes pushes it a little too far. Loves to do this. He might have taken my allowance, but I was punished more because I reacted & dialed 911. He might have just hit the crap outta me- but I was punished more because I chased him with my Dad's razor. He'd try every morning to annoy me with obnoxious sneezing and horribly bad music..Weird Al, Ska, They Might be Giants, a brief interest in trying to learn the harmonica, Irish Pub Toons-- I could go on but these are just to name a few.

Good Advice
It might not always be what I want to hear... and he enjoys telling me I'm wrong, but he generally gives good advice and will have your best interest at heart. My most functional relationship was with a guy that my big brudder hand picked. I worked with him at the Pharmacy where I worked in high school & part of college.. Chris dubbed him "stock boy" because he stocked the shelves of the drug store and we dated for nearly four years. He even answered the door and would say "it's stock boy!" He might have been a stock boy, but he was the greatest boyfriend.

Run- Away

He doesn't really get mad to often, but when he does ..look out. Really mad isn't good at all. Kinda scary. Makes me look calm. Also run away after he's visited the all you can eat pizza place. See note above about fart n run. These days I don' t think he bothers with the run part...

Communicator

No one can deny that my brudder likes to talk. But he's also a pretty good listener and a good communicator. I didn't need to talk in the early years...Chris would tell everyone what I needed for me...

Note: none of the above applies if he is napping or sleeping or tired. All bets are off. As I'm sure you know.

Worker

Shocking I know, because he describes himself as a sloth. But actually he's a really hard worker when he needs to be. He'll always show up for a friend, a cause, or whatever. I'd even say he's a perfectionist about his work. We were brought up not to "1/2 *ss things" He's not, however, someone who defines himself by posessions or surroundings which I've sort of always admired.

I know that having a wife and possibly kids he'll do what he has to take care of them...That's just who he is. But when it's just for him- he's good sleeping rather than working for stuff he doesn't feel matters.

Protector

So when we were growing up we spent most of our time outside with the other neighbor kids. I believe it was just after Christmas...Chris & I had each gotten a set of roller skates. I'm not sure I remember if he had em or not. But mine were red with yellow laces.. and they were starter skates so they had metal wheels.. and I took myself down the street in my skates. Well this neighbor kid(Chris Scott) made fun of me, my skates and pushed me down to the ground. I skated/stumbled home crying and Chris wanted to know what was wrong... I told him whatChris Scott had done. I was in the process of unlacing my skates... Chris picked one up and went down the street to Chris Scotts house and hit him upside the head with metal skate and told him to leave his sister alone.

Nuf said. I can't wait to see him get all protective of his own family.. ( hee hee)

So I'm settling in for the show. I can't wait to watch my big bro get married and to watch he and Rachel begin their life together. Cole is saying "Whoa!" and I couldn't be happier. Yay!!

I could get even happier if they'd move a little closer?