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Thursday, April 15, 2010

You Can Probably Guess What Happened

So back to my series of Blog posts about Jay.. I mean Marketing Boy..

I will never say our relationship hasn't been a rocky road. It absolutely has. We have had to deal with so much in our time together. New jobs (both of us), selling houses (his and mine) this economic recession that has hit us all... our kids.. and his ex wife remains a super fun treat : )

But we've weathered the storm and at the end of the day he's the first person I want to tell when something great happens, and the first person I need to help me along when it feels like I just can't any more.

We absolutely fight, but we fight fair. We're both willing to admit that we were wrong. We still love to do things together... We laugh a lot but when there's been two divorces between you- we cry a lot too. We worry about the kids together. We struggle with day to day life together. But we remain committed to work on the relationship every day.

In November, I had some minor surgery. The night before Jay said we should go have a relaxing dinner and get my mind off of it. We re-lived our first date. He proposed at the restaurant where we first met. It was expertly timed: asking my parents for permission, the kneel down, the entire restaurant clapped, and there was immediately some champagne to enjoy. I couldn't have been happier.. When we crossed the street to go have a celeberatory beer at the Old Monk all of our closest friends were there to celebrate with us.. I floated around on my own private cloud for a while..

Shortly thereafter, fear set in. Could I really do this again? I had a "what if" for everything. I had an excuse for why I wasn't planning the ceremony and I let fear rain on my parade. Everyday, Jay showed up. Answering all of my questions. Dealing with my concern of the day and all of the relentless discussions I insisted we have. Another failed marriage wasn't an option for me, and fear kept me stagnant.

Several weeks ago, I totally got called on the carpet for the way I was proceeding in our premarital counseling... "Ashley, you pursue everything in your life with a passion and a vengeance.. why aren't you pursuing this marriage?" There it was. That thing I hadn't dealt with.

I struggle with Faith and my relationship with God is something that challenges me daily. Over the last two years, I have been constantly questioning "God when will you stop punishing me for getting a divorce?" Then it was ever so delicately brought to my attention that God just doesn't work that way. He's not keeping score. Romans Chapter 8 " There is no condemnation for those who remain in Jesus..." I'm forgiven if I choose to forgive myself.

I'm not saying that I got up and said "I forgive myself!! I rock!!" It was more along the lines of sleepless nights,crying and trying to let it all go. There wasn't some magical "ahh haaa" moment, but shortly after I worked through this garbage and began the process, everything started coming together. I had the "divine" sign I was looking for. I finally received an offer on my house. We put an offer on the "dream" house we'd been drooling over off and on (literally on and off the market) for over a year.. and we now have a wedding date set.

Grace is something that humbles me daily. Honestly, it remains something I have difficulty fathoming. But in relationships, I'm learning, it's something that you have to constantly be willing to offer up.

And through it all, Jay has continued to amaze me by being right there with me while I try to sort it all out.