Tuesday, May 13, 2008


So when I thought of all the names that Cole might call me. I thought there would be Mom, Mommy, Mama for a while it was Meee.... Now I'm just Ma. Not quite sure how that happened but I guess it works. Kinda fits my little man. He's much too busy for much more than M-A. I guess in his mind it gets the job done.

Mother's Day
Sort of a new concept for me still. I always think to get my Mom something and do something for her, but haven't really started to comprehend that I'm part of the club now. I knew I always wanted to be a Mom, but had a very LARGE fear about actually becoming one. What an awesome responsibility and I was confident that I would find some way to mess it up- but maybe I haven't. God keeps sending me reinforcements.

The most difficult thing for me has been comparisons in my mind to my own mother. My pastor spoke of the sacrifices his own Mom made for him in his childhood and it made me admire the sacrifices my Mom made for me. She stayed home with two kids. Cloth diapers. Cleaned houses on off hours when she was a skilled RN, she made nearly every piece of clothing we had, and managed to do all of it without my brother or I ever knowing we struggled financially. She also managed to volunteer at church, at our school and perhaps her biggest sacrifice was decent wine for the occasional Boones Strawberry Hill with her girlfriends.

Big shoes to fill when you come home to a Mom who had cookies waiting or a peanut butter and banana sandwich.
Or had a Mom who stayed up half the night sewing one of my formals which was a knock off of some random dress I'd seen on Beverly Hills 90210. So when it's time to look at yourself in the mirror as a Mom- you think I couldn't possibly be the Mother my Mom was. This was the source of great conflict between my Mother and I in those 1st months of being a Mom. I misunderstood every suggestion as criticism and was defensive. Every compliment I was sure was some backhanded insult...but the truth of it is...Mom's, I don't think can ever turn off trying to take care of their kids. It doesn't come with an "off" switch.

I got it
Now my Mom & Daughter relationship is much better. Because I finally got it. It hit me upside the head as things usually have to... I don't think until you're a parent you understand how much your own parents love you. And then there's a moment when you recall every time you smarted off or weren't appreciative or how many times you must have just ripped your parent's heart out and the best part... they love you anyway. They just can't help it.

One of my good friends Leslie who is pretty amazing in her own right. She was young and in love and found herself pregnant at 18. She married her high school sweetheart and he later died and she was 19 or 20. ..alone and had a daughter to raise. That daughter is now 25 and Leslie frequently relates a current relationship or friend to the following:
"I love him. I'd do anything for him...but I'd push him in front of a bus if it meant saving my daughter..." And I always laugh. Every single time. Because however random this statement is...there's a little truth to it.

When I was pregnant with Cole I worried that I wouldn't have that maternal instinct. I remember thinking: How can I be a good Mom? I HATE being pregnant. The first time I felt him kick was in the car on the way to work. Bitter because I couldn't have any coffee and I felt my tummy flutter..and at first I was annoyed because it reminded me of that tummy flutter you get right before a big meeting or a first date or a presentation and I was stopped at a red light and I felt it again. And then lightening struck and I felt like a complete and total idiot and again the thought of "i really suck at this maternal thing..."

Defining Moment
We all have them. Moments that we found ourselves in that we knew would change everything. I found out I was pregnant with Cole the day before I lost my Grandsam. She was a guiding light in my life. I didn't get to tell her about Cole. But it was one of the last conversations I had with her. My fear of parenthood and getting it wrong. She always said the right thing.. she said
" you'll get it right sugar babe... you always do" and then she smiled at me and winked. And 40 weeks later.. another defining moment.

Cole James Peterson (the outlaw future bull rider) He was in a hurry to get here. Most 1st time mothers labor for hours. I was induced the night before...but had advised the family at 7am that it would be afternoon before Cole's grand entrance. I got an epidural 20 minutes before Cole was born... I was finally relaxing in my epidural coma after hours of profanity when the Dr came in and said it was time to start pushing.. Cole's heart rate wasn't normal. Old me would have started freaking out. Mom me knew I couldn't. But I did proclaim.. " I can't start pushing my Mom's not here.." (funny how that works). The NICU team came in to be ready if they needed to be and for me I think that's when the Mom thing finally kicked in or maybe it was the epidural.

With a little help Cole joined the world at 9:42am. Like I said... my little guy was in a hurry and hasn't stopped since. And the first time I held him: Life changing moment. Nothing would ever be the same. My Faith is stronger. My Family relationships are better. I'm better at asking for help and admitting I'm wrong. I get that I can't do it on my own. I need help from who ever God sends in my life and so far he hasn't sent anything but greatness.

And that Mama Bear instinct I was so afraid I wouldn't have.. Now I don't worry about having it. I worry about controlling it?

But I think the moral of this random blog tonite is that something happens when you're a Mom. A day to celebrate it and recognize Mom's is great-but even on those days Cole drives me to seek out a glass of just doesn't get any better than being his Ma. Until of course he's a teenager and tells me I've ruined his life. Then all bets are off.

Alrighty. There's some Tivo'd American Idol waiting for me...and I should have been getting myself together for a business trip next week and closing on my house again and getting instructions for my amazing friends who are staying with Cole next week while I'm working... This procrastination thing is starting to agree with me. Holla!