Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Spring Cleaning

It's Spring... or at least it felt like it until I woke up this morning to cold rain. What a dreary day...

So if Spring has sprung-I guess it sort of explains my current contemplative thoughts. I feel like I should be cleaning things up. Cleaning up the mess that the last year left behind. For so long, I was doing good to get up, put one foot in front of the other, and remember ot breath in and out. What a difference a year makes. Now I feel like it is Spring, we're through the first part of the year, Easter is coming.. then Summer.. I feel like I need to get ready. To get my crap together. To open the doors to the closets I've been piling a years worth of crap in.

There feels like there is so much chaos and uncertainty right now. My car is acting crazy again *sigh* but I don't really want to committ to another one right now. My back yard looks like a sand pit from Joey and company running around in it. I have a closet full of baby stuff, maternity clothes, and clothes that no longer fit screaming for me to get rid of them but I just can't seem to find the time. My gate is currently being propped up by my recycling bin and I'm afraid if I actually wheel my recycling bin down my driveway to put it out for collection that my fence will fall over... then my dog will kid will be distraught and I'll have lyrics to a really bad country song.

But here is what really needs to get cleaned up. Cole has seen his Dad a lot more than usual in the last month. He's been waking up asking " I wanna see Daddy" and I don't know how to respond. When I pick him up in the afternoon it's "I wanna see Daddy" and again I don't know what to say. My canned response is "I'm sure you'll see Daddy soon.." and I hope it to be true. There is a part of me that wants to say "W-H-A-T?" It's been Cole & I pretty much from day one.. I've been the one to nurse every illness, to take him to every doctor's appointment, to dress him, to bath him, to plan for his future, and to care for him every day. " I wanna see Daddy" can cut you to the core when this has been your existence. I want to reason with my two year old " What about Mommy?" but that's not rational. I think it's great that Cole is starting to relate to his Dad..but what do you say when you're not exactly sure when he'll see him again? I've swallowed my pride and just started asking if he'd like to take Cole for a little while. It's a lot of work to clean up your own attitude I'm realizing.

It's much easier for me to focus on the things that are falling down around me than to realize I need some cleaning up in my thought process too.. I need to focus on the mess I'll be cleaning up in the future if I don't do everything possible for Cole to spend time with his Dad. So I'm trying to do some Spring Cleaning..starting with me. Maybe next week I'll actually have the courage to put the really full recyling bin out for pick up.


Jay Ramirez said...

What a fantastic post, Ashley. I know it's been hard, but I also know that Cole appreciates the sacrifices your making to keep things upbeat. It's not the easy road, but then when is the right way the easy way?