Monday, August 25, 2008


As defined by Webster's Dictionary:

Fear is 1archaic : frighten2archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)3: to have a reverential awe of 4: to be afraid of : expect with alarm intransitive verb: to be afraid or apprehensive
— fear·er noun
note: it's also the title of one of my all time favorite Sarah McLachlan tracks

In my own personal experience Fear has been a crippling sort of paralysis. Most of the time my fear is based on making the wrong decision or failure or being hurt. I always want to evaluate the potential risk against the reward.

I blog about fear today because well, where would I be right now if I had let fear be my ultimate decision maker? Good thing I already know the answer (for once): I'd be trapped in a bad marriage...too afraid of the unknown and comfortable in my own sort of isolation to make a change.

When I look back on my life, I always think about all the times I was too afraid just to make a decision or afraid I would fail that those thoughts kept me from just jumping without thinking. It's these moments I would go back and do over if I could. But then again those moments might impact where I am today and frankly I like today (yes you read that statement correctly).

Finally... I have reached a place where I'm done trying to please everyone and on some level I have to be done being afraid to make a mistake. I want to look back on life and say " I lived it." Don't get me wrong I want to live life being respectful of the people I care about, taking care of my son, my family, and myself. But maybe I should stop being afraid all of the time and just have faith in God and myself?

If the past year has done anything for me, it has shown me that I'll figure out how to get through life no matter what happens. Somehow, someway I've got to figure out how to not always second guess people and to trust that their motives are good. What would happen if I let go of those fears of disappointment?

To be continued....

I'm tired and looking forward to a hot bath in my big tub, reading, praying and maybe I'll have a date with TiVo. I think he has a few surprises for me. Holla!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Dan in Real Life

So a couple of weekends ago I stumbled into my neighborhood Blockbuster to rent Cole a "me me" that Cole speak for Movie. He wanted Bee Movie.. again. I should just buy the darn thing already. So I perused the store looking for a "me me" for me. I settled on Dan in Real Life.

I was pleasantly surprised. Poor Dan from the opening scene I could sort of relate to the schmuck. Sleeping on his designated side of the bed- waking up in the morning and looking longingly at the other side. I was shaking my head at this point muttering to myself- "Dan move on over to the middle... it makes things a lot easier.." Dan is sleep deprived or disturbed (again I can relate) and is doing laundry and packing lunches long before any of us have even thought of pressing the snooze button. Dan is a single Dad. His wife having died some years earlier.

Enter a road trip with his three daughters for a long weekend at Dan's parents' house where it seems Dan has more brothers and sisters than I care to count. So Dan's mom sends him out- Dan needs a break and while at the neighborhood book store- Dan meets" the one"... and it all becomes this bizarro love triangle.. complete with Dan's own version of "Let my love open the Door.." and well I won't spoil the surprise for you but at the end of the movie.. Dan says something I find somewhat profound (okay not profound but I liked it) He says "what do we tell our kids when they are talking about their plans for their life... we should tell them to plan on being surprised.." Yep. Right you are Dan in Real Life I should have planned on being more surprised... things certainly haven't turned out the way I thought they would- but I can't help but think something better is just around the corner. " Plan on being surprised.."

Friday, August 8, 2008


So one of my favorite movies is Fried Green Tomatoes.. "The secret is in the sauce. I know you're shaking your head- but it's a good movie. I love movies about Southern women. I have a theory.. women from up north well they are sassy.. Women from the South, well we've got spunk. Idgy Threadgood in Fried Green Tomatoes has got the spunk part down.. But one of my favoritest lines in the movie is when Jessica Tandy's character tells Kathy Bates .. "you need to get yourself some hormones and some girlfriends.." I'm so glad I have mine.. the pic to the right is just a few of them- but I'm lucky to have amazing women in my life. I wish that they all saw how great I think they are.. they are all entirely too hard on themselves. I look around at the women I know and think "You're pretty amazing.." So I make it my thing to try to tell one of the amazing women in my life something positive everyday. " You look great in that color.. You're an awesome Mom.. You're having a good hair day.."

I have girlfriends who are like 2nd moms to me, and girlfriends that have struggled with addiction. I have girlfriends that are "power women" and girlfriends who are stay at home moms. Some of my girlfriends have committed partners and some of them are married. Some are single... or are soon to be married. I treasure them all... my eclectic group of friends. When I've been at my lowest it's these women who've picked me up most often. My mom gave me very valuable advice when I started in my 1st serious relationship a long time ago... she encouraged me to maintain those friendships and not let myself get all consumed with the business of a relationship. I'm glad I've taken that advice to heart- because well, where would I be right now if i hadn't maintained friendships?

I certainly wouldn't be sitting at my computer with my jaw sort of aching from laughing so much over sushi, martinis and a movie...I wouldn't have had them calling me often just to check in and make stupid conversation with me.... I wouldn't have felt prayers and gentle support. I think as women we're more supportive of each other because-well we know what it's like to feel alone or unappreciated or isolated as mothers, sisters daughters, & wives. Sometimes the best thing we can do for a friend is make them laugh or remind them that they are not alone...or tell them that they are amazing.

My closest friends, well we sort of have a pact. We don't get angry about forgetting to return a phone call, or being a few minutes late, or messing up on the little stuff. Life is too rough for us not to offer the other complete support. We often joke... You're really someone's freind if you'd bail them out of jail, not ask any questions and not tell a soul. And then we joke about adjoining rooms in the nursing home...

So in the midst of the randomness I hope you can see that this is a blog to celebrate those female relationships that we all need to struggle through all things relational. So go on..get yourself some girlfriends... and laugh. Then go snuggle up to your men.

I've got a date with my man: TiVo. Holla!

Friday, August 1, 2008

The Couples Bridal Shower that Didn't Suck

So I had a couple's bridal shower last weekend. It was actually for my big bro and rockin Rachel. While I couldn't be happier for Chris and Rachel... and am so jazzed that they are getting married, you can imagine "couples" things aren't really on the top of my "to do" list.

As we got the final headcount on Wednesday last week, there were 23 confirmed guests including the hostess'. Woo hoo!! Nothing like being that 23rd person. 11 couples and me. Good times.

Me, Rachel's awesome bridesmaid, and her two sisters were putting this shindig on in Ft. Worth. I volunteered for cake, decorations, paper products, fruit and some other misc stuff. The other girls were going to provide more of the "eatings" and the booz. Which I was told was beer and sangria. My rationale for volunteering for the cake was simple. First of all-I'm a little obsessed with cake and secondly after I'd become severely depressed about this "couples" hoopla I wanted some decent cake to dive into and to console myself with chocolaty or cream cheese frosting.

I also came equipped with my own bottle of wine because I can only drink so much beer and I was going to need some major liquid courage. I found it in the yummy sangria that was there. Also helping me along was Mr. Wonderful. He was in my bag and just a joke to myself to remind me to laugh at my situation. I didn't' need my hidden bottle of hooch and the shower was a blast! It was so much fun. And I wasn't the only one flying a solo mission which made it even better!!

As the evening wound down, I packed up my VW and headed home. For giggles I yanked Mr. Wonderful out of my bag. Hit the "press me" button and on que he said " You know honey, why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight.." I laughed. Cranked my stereo and drove on.