Monday, August 25, 2008


As defined by Webster's Dictionary:

Fear is 1archaic : frighten2archaic : to feel fear in (oneself)3: to have a reverential awe of 4: to be afraid of : expect with alarm intransitive verb: to be afraid or apprehensive
— fear·er noun
note: it's also the title of one of my all time favorite Sarah McLachlan tracks

In my own personal experience Fear has been a crippling sort of paralysis. Most of the time my fear is based on making the wrong decision or failure or being hurt. I always want to evaluate the potential risk against the reward.

I blog about fear today because well, where would I be right now if I had let fear be my ultimate decision maker? Good thing I already know the answer (for once): I'd be trapped in a bad marriage...too afraid of the unknown and comfortable in my own sort of isolation to make a change.

When I look back on my life, I always think about all the times I was too afraid just to make a decision or afraid I would fail that those thoughts kept me from just jumping without thinking. It's these moments I would go back and do over if I could. But then again those moments might impact where I am today and frankly I like today (yes you read that statement correctly).

Finally... I have reached a place where I'm done trying to please everyone and on some level I have to be done being afraid to make a mistake. I want to look back on life and say " I lived it." Don't get me wrong I want to live life being respectful of the people I care about, taking care of my son, my family, and myself. But maybe I should stop being afraid all of the time and just have faith in God and myself?

If the past year has done anything for me, it has shown me that I'll figure out how to get through life no matter what happens. Somehow, someway I've got to figure out how to not always second guess people and to trust that their motives are good. What would happen if I let go of those fears of disappointment?

To be continued....

I'm tired and looking forward to a hot bath in my big tub, reading, praying and maybe I'll have a date with TiVo. I think he has a few surprises for me. Holla!