Thursday, November 20, 2008

Feeling a Little Blue

I'm usually a really upbeat person. I get a little bogged down sometimes.. generally I allow myself time to work through whatever I'm feeling & then I move on: hopeful.

The hits have just kept coming lately. I feel sort of like I've been knocked down and I'm having a little bit of difficulty picking myself back up. Work stress. Life stress. I've had to make a really hard decision about my Tobie dog, and the holidays are fast approaching.

This week Tobie (my mutt of a dog) will go to live with his Dad. I rescued Tobie from a local no kill animal shelter with my ex a couple of months after we were married. I had a little Westie (Sophie) that was mine pre-marriage and so Tobie was always meant to be my ex's dog. We both spoiled him. Will a little more than me as he seemed to think that everything Tobie did (obnoxious or not) was cute. Sophie died several years after marriage and I couldn't bring myself to attach to another dog. Tobie was our child until Cole. When Will & I split we agreed Tobie would stay with me because of Will's crazy firefighter schedule and to not upset him as he had always lived in our home. I've done everything I could to feel like Tobie was really my dog and offer him enough love, but somewhere deep in my heart he is just a painful reminder to me. As crazy as it sounds, Will paid more attention to the dog and his needs than he ever did to me. Don't get me wrong... I love Tobie greatly and always will, but since our parting Tobie mourned Will leaving. He's grown more out of control and taken to biting me, Cole, other people and kids and so Will has worked with me and is coming to take Tobie to live with him. I can't have a biter around Cole, but it still breaks my heart to see him go and to think of my house without a dog. I am a lover of dogs and it seems like just one more thing I'll have to mourn and worry about eventhough I know it's for the best. Tobie needs to be with Will. He'll be happier and I have to let him go.

Mawiage is what brings us together today..
Chris, my big brother, got married last weekend. I was so happy for him and I know that's he's found his partner in life. I am excited to watch him start his life with Rachel. But attending any wedding since my divorce is painful and hard. I still believe in marriage. I don't live in a dream world where it's easy and doesn't take work every single day. It's a comittment, a spiritual union, but I still think when you find a true partner it has to be the most fulfilling relationship possible? Will I ever have the opportunity to experience that sort of relationship and how could I ever promise anyone "forever" again? This weighs on me.

This is usually my favorite time of year.. I love the fall and the Holiday season. I love dragging out the Christmas ornaments and putting up my tree and dorky Christmas carols. I love cooking Holiday food and coming up with a crazy idea for the Peterson family Christmas card complete with a picture of us in matching santa hats or red sweaters or whatever. But this year I'll climb up in my attic and sift through all of the ornaments and know I'll have to box up all the ones I'd collected through the years for Will because he didn't have any of his childhood ones when we got married. There will be firetrucks, stockings & dog ornaments and things that aren't really symbolic last box of things to pack up for someone who never could invest in me the same way I invested in him...I'm going to need some Mommy Juice.

Watching my brother get married, learning that my cousin's wife is pregnant with baby no. 2 made me sad for Cole as well. If you're lucky there is special bond when you grow up with a sibling. There will always be someone who knows every childhood wound or heartache.. who understands your difficult relationship with your parents and truly gets you in every sense of the word. I've always sort of had that with my brother. We may fight or disagree or snap at each other... but the history, love and respect is there. I'd do anything for my brother. It hurts my heart that Cole might never have a sibling to grow up with. After explaining this to Counselor Sherri, she smiled and said

"well yes, but Cole has a Mom that will over compensate in other ways.."

I nodded and replied " I know God has a plan for me..but this isn't what I had in mind.."

she smiled and said "His path is best and only He knows what's in store for's hard, but you have to trust.."

There's a concept.

I'll work on that one while I finish my lunch and get back to work. But I'll be back with more positive ramblings after the intermission. Holla!


NancyJ said...

You're a good mommy and a good person and a good sister...and God would adore you even if you weren't all those things. Whether or not you can FEEL that at any given time in any given circumstance doesn't change that those are the FACTS. Cling to the FACTS, Little Missy! You're on the right path even when it feels desolate and painful! ...and maybe go home and hug that little bugger and have a glass of wine and watch a Christmas movie DVD...I think wine, snuggles, and White Christmas might make any world look brighter! :-)

NancyJ said...

P.S. Vicki Garrett is a genius at finding the perfect doggies for homes who want them. She'd LOVE to help you find the best buddy for you and Cole when you're ready!