Tuesday, June 3, 2008

May Madness

So about a month ago I was sitting in my dr's office. The special doctor that women are required to visit once a year. Mine is Dr. W.

Dr. W-well she rocks. I love her. She delivered Cole. She's practical, rational and well when someone delivers your baby you feel this special bond. Once a year you have to complete new forms and update info. And there it was. Marital status & choices
"single.."divorced"... "separated"... "widowed"..."other" and I didn't know what to check? So I checked "other" & wrote "divorce pending" and typing it on this blog is equally as painful. My Dr offered condolences, a hug, and support... As we commenced with the exam I jokingly said this is probably the most action I'll get for years... and she laughed and encouraged me to keep the crazy sense of humor...

So with that knowledge, confession, & sadness. I blog about the journey that started along time ago I suppose as I dealt with my Faith, Morals, & Values and that those things tell me that divorce is wrong. I struggle with the Sin of it everyday. But the truth of it is.. I've held myself accountable- I did everything I felt I could. I prayed daily and tried to work through things for over two years. Now I have to work my way thru the grieving process and find a way to make it okay for Cole, Tobie & myself.

May has always been a lucky month for me.. Look at the life timeline:
May 17th 1977- Birth
May 1995 High School Graduation
May 1999 College Graduation
May 25 1999 1st day of employment with my Company
May 25, 2000 Met my husband
May 10, 2002 Married

And on May 2, 2008 I filed for divorce. I cried all the way to the courthouse to file the papers and all the way back & shortly thereafter I got angry.. because that's when the negotiations started and when I started I prayed. I prayed that Jesus would take my hand and help me make the right decisions. That it wouldn't turn bitter for me when dealing with the business of divorce. I would take the high road and do the right thing even when insults would be easier. And so far I know I have. I negotiate real estate deals for a living...but I've found it hard to apply those skills to negotiation when it's my child's life and mine.

This journey has humbled me. Refinancing, all the legal paperwork, the horrible phone calls & the craziness it just leads to a world of uncertainty and heartbreak. But everyday I feel His presence. This May was hard. Nothing like turning 31... a week after what would have been your 6 year Anniversary and a Mother's Day as a newly single Mom. Then to get on a plane and have to go work and to leave Cole so soon after his Dad moved out. To open the paper on a Saturday morning to see an article in the Business section that the Company I work for might be a part of a merger...which might mean I could be out of a job..

Once again... Prayer... and He Answered. I had made a commitment to help a friend with a mission trip and I had one last check to write.. I had the money, but with all this uncertainty it's so easy to say " This $ could pay for..." but I had committed. I needed to honor that commitment and as I wrote the check I worried for a moment and I prayed.

The Sermon at Church that Sunday: Philipians 3: 12-14
"....But I focus on one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly price for which God, through Jesus Christ, is calling us.."

The following Tuesday.. I was expressing concern to my colleague about our work situation and merger talks. He said he was going to be calling our client to tell him of the "word on the street.." Within a couple of hours I received a call from my client... "Ashley I don't want you to worry about your job...if your Company is bought then I'll sign a new contract with the portion of the Company that remains and insist that my current team stays in place and that means you..." Later that week I opened my mailbox to find a check from the above OB-GYN. Over payment of my deductible was on the memo line- but I've called to question if it's really the case?

On Wednesday a couple of weeks ago- my soon to be ex came to collect the remainder of his things and on that day..that really hard day.. I cried some more..

The next day I walked in after work and found this blue scrap of paper on the floor. I could have tracked it in..Cole could have..the handy man could have..but on it was the following: ""Guide our feet into the path of peace" Luke 1:79 It was a sticker of some sort- but it's found a home on my cork board and is just a reminder that I'm being taken care of. In every way. He has to shout at me sometimes with timely sermons, calls from the client, checks in the mail and random pieces of paper. But I find myself in awe. Because at this moment when I feel utterly unworthy of His Grace and presence. He reminds me of it almost daily. And I've found a little peace in my moment. I acknowledge that those who love me have continually "picked me up, dusted me off and told me I was okay" (great lyrics from a great song) I am thankful and find myself ready for June. The official beginning of summer and the Texas heat. Because this May... it's been maddening and I'm ready for a new lucky month.